Page 56 of Open Water

Tom just wipes the dampness pooling in his eye away with his thumb.

It shouldn’t work like this. A tiny stroke over his eyelid. But it makes Lukas feel small. Small and helpless and vulnerable and he clings to him back. Wraps his arms around Tom’s neck. Hides his face in the collar of his jacket. Breathes in the scent of him in deep gulping sobs.

“I’m so tired,” Lukas whispers. He is. It’s true. He’s so tired of trying to keep it together.

“Me too. It was a busy night,” Tom whispers back.

“Sorry. I should let you sleep.” Lukas really should let Tom rest. Not that he is letting go of him. Not yet.

“No, no…no,” Tom says. “Stay. Please stay a while.” His hands are strong on Lukas’s back. Calm strokes over the outside of Lukas’s jacket.

“Okay,” Lukas says back. He thinks. Because he doesn't quite know what is happening right now.

He has to loosen his grip as Tom gently nudges him up the stairs. Letting go as Tom turns the key in the lock. Standing there like a fool with tear stains down his cheeks.

He’s a wreck. A mess. And he just stands there, letting Tom go back down the steps to retrieve the shopping bags from the drive.

“Let me help,” he says quietly, and Tom just nods. Walking heavily back up the steps handing a bag to Lukas. Reusable and worn. Eco friendly. Big showy green letters almost too sharp for Lukas's eyes right now.

It’s the strangest thing, standing there in what is obviously Tom’s kitchen, unpacking these random groceries from a bag. Lukas placing things on the kitchen table as Tom loads things into cupboards. Absentmindedly twirling a packet of spaghetti through his fingers, then clumsily dropping it, and Tom just picks it up with a nervous smile.

He’s so fucking pretty, despite the obvious exhaustion written all over his face. He is beautiful. A little rugged and lived in, but his eyes are right there on Lukas’s. Grounding him like a stake into the soil.

“Do you want coffee?” Tom asks, nodding over to the coffee machine in the corner. Lukas just shakes his head. “Sandwich? I could make us some breakfast?” Tom offers. Again, Lukas just shakes his head.

“I don’t know what I want,” Lukas says. It sounds wrong, but it’s the truth. “Look, Tom, the sending stuff to me, the trying to find out my address, the stalking shit you have going on. It’s not cool.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I was desperate. Desperate and pathetic. But I had to get you to talk to me. You wouldn’t talk to me Lukas! You wouldn’t listen!”

And now Tom is shouting and Lukas stands there like a loser, trying to figure out how to respond to that. Because the talking part is true. And Lukas never was a great listener.

It’s just a little movement of Tom’s head, that Lukas follows as he walks down the short hallway to the living room. A large open space framed by windows. Views over the city. A sofa large enough for a football team and a widescreen TV. Books stacked randomly on the bookshelves lining the walls. And Lukas's hands are back in his pockets. His snapback landing on the coffee table. Feet shuffling on the rug beneath his feet.

“Sit,” Tom says. And Lukas does. Because what else can he do?

Tom sits himself down a cushion length away. Stares into the blank TV screen with a resigned expression on his face, He takes a deep sigh, not even casting a glance Lukas’s way. Almost like he can’t bear to look at the man. Like if he did, he would totally lose his nerve. Swallowing loudly before he finally speaks.

“Lukas, I have no fucked-up illusion that this is going to be easy. I know this is going to be hard, and I have no doubt in my mind that you and I will struggle at times, and we might even hurt each other in the process. I don't know if we can even like each other enough to be friends, because even though I might sound like I have this whole thing figured out, I am shit scared. I am terrified of you. I am terrified of the way you make me feel, and I have no idea how to deal with that.”

“Don’t be scared of me.” Lukas doesn't sound convinced himself. Because, to be honest, he is frightened of what might come out of Tom's mouth next. Not to mention his own.

“I have never been in love with anyone else but you. No one has ever made me feel like you do, and that is quite a shitty place for me to be in, because if you walk away, that is kind of the end of the line for me. I’m not saying that my life would be over. I have a good life, and I would live, but I have to try this. I have to try to fight for you, for you and me, because I don't want to look back at my life and think that I didn't try when I finally had the chance to put this right. I don’t want any more regrets, Lukas.”

Tom looks like all the words have drained him. Like there really is nothing left.

“You were with that Linnea. And you made Max. Surely you loved his mother?” Lukas looks sceptical. He feels it too. Tom doesn’t make any sense, not that he ever did.

Yet, Tom just shakes his head.

“I was with Linnea, because it made us both look good. She was quite clear that looking good was the whole idea behind what we were. She was smart and funny and loving, and don’t get me wrong, I loved being with her, and we had some amazing times, but it was never right. It was never going to last, and Max’s mother…”

He stops and tries to compose himself, which in a strange way, makes Lukas just want to reach out and touch his hand. He doesn't though.

“Max’s mother was this amazing whirlwind of a girl. We met at this club, and she just danced into my arms, laughing. Holding on to my collar whilst I spun her around the room. She was bright and smart and funny, and we just kind of clicked over some disgusting sticky cocktails, and then we did shots, and then I ended up in her bed. I left in the morning after a cup of instant coffee and a headache tablet. Romantic, eh? The next time I heard from her, she told me that she was pregnant, and that I had just under three months to get my shit together to be a single Dad. She’s never laid a claim on Max. Signed her parental rights away once the umbilical cord was cut. I picked him up from hospital three days later, and my life has never been the same since. I have no regrets when it comes to Max, Lukas. Zero. He has been the light of my life ever since the day I first held him in my arms, and that willneverchange. Somehow, I lost you… but… if I had you, then… I wouldn’t have had Max, but now…” Tom sighs. “I’m not making any sense, am I? But, at least… you’re here.”

“Yeah?” Lukas starts, and then he doesn't know what to say. He has nothing to say. What can he say?

“Max’s mother works at the European Commission in Brussels. She’s never married or had other children. We google her now and then, for Max. He knows she’s an amazing person, and that she made the choice she thought would be best for everyone. And I will never say a bad word about her. She gave me the greatest gift and never asked for anything in return. I can’t say it enough, my son is a little shit, butdamn,he’s amazing.”

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