Page 63 of Open Water

“Okay,” Lukas says. Then he leans over. Places a small soft kiss on Tom’s head and Tom just wants to cry. Throw his arms around Lukas and beg him to stay. To please,pleasetry. Because Tom just needs someone on his team. Someone who will tell him all those things he needs to hear and hug him and reassure him that he is not a complete failure in life.

He needs someone to help with Max, because it’s just too much for him to handle on his own. He needs someone to help himself stay sane. He needs a lot of shit right now and it’s a lot to ask of Lukas, who honestly hasn't signed up for any of this. Most of all, he needs someone to hold him at night, when everything seems so damn hopeless.

His eyes never leave Lukas’s back, closing only to let out a resigned sigh when the door slams shut behind him.

* * *

LUKAS

The air is too warm for Lukas to think. And even though he has slept all day, he feels all fuzzy and confused. He can’t believe he has slept all day. He never does. He doesn’t sleep well when he’s like this, rattled and antsy, when his stomach curls up with nerves and self-doubt and constricts at the thought of food. He hasn’t eaten well over the past week.

No wonder he’s a wreck. No wonder his body let itself shut down for a good couple of hours, because it probably needed it. And if Lukas is very honest, he needed the closeness too. It’s been a long time since Lukas slept curled up with another warm body against him, and the memory of having Tom so close makes him instinctively wrap his own arms around himself. No doubt looking a little bit stupid walking down the road with a big shit-eating grin on his face, hugging his own arms.

But, the thought makes him irrationally happy. His head is full of images of sleeping next to Tom, like that, only Lukas prefers less clothes. And maybe under the duvet. Nice and warm, skin everywhere. Maybe lying with his head on Tom’s chest and letting Tom’s hands stroke his arms.

It’s not even the thought of sex that is foremost in Lukas’s head. It’s the closeness. The intimacy. Having someone take all your fears away by just holding you. No wonder the two of them had slept like logs all day, all snuggled up like a bunch of overgrown kittens.

He laughs out loud to himself as he walks through the door of the small shop, heading straight over to the chilled section where pathetic-looking plastic containers of meat stare him in the face whilst his head is all over the place.

In his head, he’s already moved in. Imagining what it would be like coming home to that house after work. The sounds of the boys messing about in the kitchen. Tom upstairs in his office. Lukas grabbing a coffee and taking it upstairs. Placing a cup on the desk and then, burying his face in Tom’s neck. Kissing the warm skin under his hairline and Tom swirling around, still sitting in his chair, until he is right there, his face buried in Lukas’s stomach. Lukas’s hands in Tom’s hair. Tom’s hands on Lukas’s hips, tugging at his trousers. The buttons of his fly popping one at a time, as Tom’s fingers work over the erection that is now kind of straining in his real-life jeans.

He’s thinking of S.E.X. In a supermarket.

His face is blooming pink as he pays for the mince, thinking he should probably grab some condoms. But then, he shouldn't. He shouldn't assume, and he knows full well that if he is going to survive this intact, he needs to follow the rules that he has drawn up with his therapist.

No rash decisions.

Don’t act on impulse.

Take things slow and steady.

Get to know the person before you even think of taking the next step.

It sounds so damn sensible and dull in his head, no wonder his relationships go to shit. Because Lukas wouldn’t date himself with those fucking rules thrown in his face.

And Tom.

Tom deserves more. Tom, who is so full of life and hope and his head is one big damn fairy tale of impossible things that will never happen in real life. Yet here Lukas is, galloping down the road like some desperate Prince Charming, coming to the rescue of his dashing knight.

Because Lukas runs back home. ‘Home’. He laughs at himself. Pathetic. He still takes the steps in two double jumps and opens the front door without ringing the doorbell. Well, why should he?

“Mince,” he states, a little out of breath.

Matteo is laying the table, and Max is sitting down cutting up strawberries, like nothing is wrong with the world. He looks fine. Maybe a little pale, but absolutely fine. Tom just looks like he is about to faint.

“Can I speak to you quickly?” Lukas says to Tom, tossing the mince at Matteo. Who at least looks like he knows what he is doing, the frying pan already back on the stove as he rips the top of the pack open and glares at Lukas.

Tom doesn’t say a word, just nods, but he does follow Lukas into the living room. They need to be out of earshot of the boys, just for a minute. A little privacy so Lukas can get this all out before he loses his damn nerve.

“I want this,” Lukas says. His hands landing hard on Tom’s shoulders. They are standing there, in front of the window, just staring at each other. Lukas’s face is serious, as Tom’s mask of fear that has made his forehead fill with worry lines, slowly changes into what now is a face full of dimples. Then, he says it again. “I want this.”

Lukas’s voice is a little stronger now and he can’t wipe the smile off his face. Because Tom. Tom is Tom, and he looks so damn happy with that smile on his face. His eyes that are the fucking kindest eyes in the world and make Lukas’s stomach all warm.

“I want us to try, and be a family of some kind, because fuck you, Tom. You make me dream things, and I can see this happening, and it being good. I think we can be happy, even though I am still not convinced that you are not an arsehole deep down.” He has to stop and just breathe. In. Out. “I think if we just put everything that has happened in the past behind us and try to start again, we can maybe get to know each other, and things can work out. If we try really hard. Both of us. And I realise we need to think of Max and not dial up his anxieties.”

He’s grinning nervously. His facial muscles spasming like an idiot, trying not to shiver with nerves. And Tom just smiles and his hands are not quite steady as he moves them up and lets the tips of his fingers stroke along Lukas’s hips. Trailing the outline of his belt. Hooking his fingers in Lukas’s belt loops.

“I think it will be amazing,” Tom says quietly, like he can’t quite believe all those words have just come tumbling out of Lukas’s mouth. His fingers tugging gently at Lukas until he is forced to move a little closer. Close. Lukas can’t stop shaking. All his anxieties bubbling right there under the surface.

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