Page 74 of Open Water

TOM: Yes?

LUKAS: Slow and Steady. Have a good day.

LUKAS

Having lunch by his workstation in the dusty back room at Östra Real’s Senior School, the room that is officially known as the Science Teachers’ lounge, but should be renamed asthe room full of shit that the cleaners clearly forgot,is not an unusual habit for Lukas. He kind of likes the quietness away from the hustle of students and the assumption that he is busy and not up for small talk. And anyway, he likes his colleagues down here, quiet, serious people. Professional. People who actually like the stuff they try to cram into the kids’ brains.

Well, Lukas has always been a number nerd, and he actually likes the newsletter his fellow Maths teachers produce, however ridiculous it is to try to pass it on to the students. He has even thought of maybe making a Science newsletter. Or Biology fun facts. But the simple truth is that putting his name behind that would firmly place Lukas in the grown-up nerd bracket, and he is not quite ready to go there yet.

Not that he feels grown-up sitting here by his desk, chewing the rim of a paper cup and trying to pretend the lentil salad he picked up at the corner shop is tasty. It’s not. Not at all. Instead, he is staring at the picture Tom just sent him. A stupid selfie taken outside Tom’s house, all three of them standing there doing silly faces into the camera.

Apparently, the boys are now spending their evenings painting the basement and Tom is slightly terrified at the colour choices and the sounds of the two of them shaking spray cans. He doesn’t look terrified in the picture though, neither do the boys. They look happy. Damn happy.

He saw Max and Matteo earlier in the week, huddled up in a corner of the cafeteria, seemingly lost in each other. And to be honest, it has made Lukas strangely jealous. Because the kid Max used to be, the boy with thorns sticking out from every angle, was sitting there staring at his boyfriend like he was the most precious thing in the world. He had been smiling, his fingers stroking the mess of hair on Matteo’s head.

Not that Matteo doesn’t deserve that. Fuck, that kid deserves everything. He’s good. He’s a good student who keeps his head down. He also seems to make friends easily, surrounding himself with easy hugs and high fives, whenever he walks by, and Lukas has kind of kept an eye. Has had his ear to the ground looking out for him since that day when they both ended up a sobbing mess in the Biology classroom. He sees so much of himself in the kid and has cried as much for himself as for a student he barely knew back then, who was so alone in the world that he has to seek out a near stranger just to get some validation that he was worthy. That the kid wasn’t completely crazy for thinking the thoughts that had been pretty much paralysing him at night.

It’s not the first time he has thought about it, being a Dad. He has toyed with the idea since that day, taking on a child of his own. Trying to pass on some good from all the things he knows, whilst he is still young enough to remember how it feels to be a teenager. Teens today had it easy. It was your twenties that fucked you over if you weren’t careful.

And now it’s back in his head again, even Tom has said it. “You need to be a Dad.” Yeah.Like that’ll happen.But then, it could. Because Lukas is a bloody coward hiding here when he should be somewhere else. He has just been thinking he should have called Tom. Asked if they could have lunch or something, because isn’t that what you do when you are seeing someone?

The ‘I love you’s’ are messing with his head though. Because the first time he typed it out on the screen he wasn’t even thinking. It just rolled off like he meant it. Then, he felt like a dick, and deleted it in a fit of embarrassment, because, of course, he doesn’t love Tom. He barely knows him. So, yes, he’s insanely attractive. Funny as fuck. Really weird. In a good way. And yes, Lukas would not say no to a fuck. Nope. But then, he kind of goes all warm and mushy, because all he wants is to go back to Tom’s house and curl up with his arms around the man.

It makes him smile. And maybe that is what is wrong with him, that maybe this is what love is, and all these years, Lukas has just got it all messed up. He likes the idea. The whole idea of being this loved, and the ‘I love you’s’ have kept rolling on his phone, like Tom means it, except every time Lukas looks back at their texts, he cringes a little.

They haven’t stopped talking all week. Well, texting. He hasn’t actually heard Tom’s voice ever since he left the house last Friday, but they have texted like all the time. He knows more about Tom now than he ever did. How he’s been working all week when he is supposed to be off, taking on extra volunteer work shifts, when he should be resting.

He also has this weekend off, and is planning on some grand garden makeover thing. The words in his texts all colourful rants about garden furniture and mowing lawns, when he should be kicking back and relaxing. Then, he is on nights again the entire next week. Strangely, the idea of that makes Lukas angry, because he could have been sleeping in Tom’s bed all week when instead, he has been fucking miserable at home trying to be all sensible and proud.

“Lukaaaaas?” Simon’s voice echoes through the room. Good thing it’s just him here otherwise he would have got some looks. Not that Simon cares as he plonks himself down on the chair by Miriam’s desk.

“Simon.” Lukas nods politely. Because Simon coming down here means only one thing. Interrogation.

“The wife wants to know if you are coming over on Sunday. BBQ. She’s inviting a few of the people from work and the kids would love to see you.”

Yeah, of course they would. Since single stupid Uncle Lukas is the one that ends up in the basement playing Xbox with Simon’s teenaged boys, and is the only one who takes an interest in their daughter’s clear obsession with Fortnite.

“I don’t know. Might be busy,” Lukas tries, but he takes a deep sigh. He knows what’s coming now.

“Björklund still giving you grief?” Simon gives him that look. The look that means A) Lukas is about to fuck up again. B) Lukas is about to get a lecture. And C) Simon is about to declare that whatever shit Lukas gets up to, Simon will still be there and catch him when he falls. Which he inevitably will, because Lukas has a mammoth record of fucking up.

“Tom is actually quite a nice guy these days.” It’s a good start Lukas thinks, but Simon just shakes his head.

“He was a dickhead at school. He is still a dickhead. And now you fancy him.”

“I don’t fancy him.”Yeah right, Lukas.

And of course, Simon just laughs at him.

“Every time I have seen you this week, you have your head in your phone with this stupid smile on your face. You like him.”

Well, busted. Of course, he is. He does. And it might be the case that he kind of tells Simon everything.

“I think I do,” Lukas says. Lame. Fucking Lame.

“The dude buys you a load of chocolates and you just fall for him? Just like that? You are so bloody easy, Lukas.”

Yeah, here comes the lecture. Right on cue.

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