Page 95 of Open Water

Matteo didn’t want to buy a property with the inheritance that burnt a hole of guilt in his bank account. He didn’t want to live in a house paid for by something that brought him grief. Well, Max had sat them all down around the kitchen table and said he had a plan. A brilliant plan to turn things around and spend the money on something that would be made from love. Something that would bring them peace and happiness and stop the chain of tragedy that Matteo couldn’t seem to let go of. They would use the money to make a baby. Well, they would both be the parents, but Max was adamant that the child needed to be Matteo’s biological kid, and that they would go to America and use a surrogate. They would use the money to make a family.

And they had. They had researched and travelled and organised and thought it through and Max had sat through endless assessments to get approved. They would be fine. There was no question in anyone’s mind that Max and Matteo would move back home, because the small basement flat that now sports a kitchen with a table, a huge glazed veranda that they are planning to turn into a permanent summer room, and the bedroom with the colourful graffiti still splattered on the wall, now houses a pink cot and a floor full of toys.

Eleonora Andersson Adler is a lucky little girl. Loved and cuddled and spoiled rotten. And she was also the sole reason for Lukas’s drunk phone call to America for the go ahead for him and Tom to have a child. Tom had begged. Lukas had said they had enough kids in the house. He had given in, fueled by love and the warmth of the man who had been lying on top of him at the time, fucking him absolutely senseless. Christian Lukas Andersson Myrtengren was born a year later, and Lukas can’t even begin to describe the ache in his chest remembering the first time he held his son. Their son.

Which brings them back to where they are, all of them. All eight of the Andersson clan. Yes, because they are quite a family now. A force to be reckoned with. The talk of the neighbourhood, with snide looks, the odd comment that Tova will promptly shut down with one of her stares. They are family. “We’re all crazies,” she will shout out giving Lukas one of her awkward attempts at hugs. She’s still not a tactile person, but she is getting there. She is letting people in now, allowing herself to just be herself, which is a huge step forward from the scared shell of a girl she once was.

It had been Tom’s idea, to all go and put some ghosts to rest, and let Matteo try to heal.

Not that he was broken, but there was still a small part of him that kept splintering, something fragile that Tom thought maybe going home would perhaps start to fix. Well, home and home. Matteo had just rolled his eyes when Tom first mentioned it. A long weekend away to the city where Matteo was born. An AirBnB apartment on the eastern side of the river, with a park and café opposite, a stone’s throw from one of the city trams and a perfect start for a day out. As a family. To Berlin. He had laughed in their faces and gone downstairs without even a reply. Then came back up an hour later with tears in his eyes.

Matteo. He is Lukas’s kid. He always was, it just took a little time to see it. He says it all the time now. Grabs the kid, who is tall and lanky and still refuses to cut his hair into anything that resembles a hairstyle, but has the kindest heart and holds Lukas’s heart in his grip.

“You’re my kid, remember that,” he says softly, ruffling Matteo’s hair and smashing a kiss on his forehead. He is. And Matteo will nod and rub his eye, like he has got something in it. It’s good. They are both good. It’s something they both need, knowing that they belong.

And they all do belong. Robin grabbing Matteo’s hand as he walks out of the clearing letting Ellie run ahead of him. Robin chatting excitedly, dragging Matteo off to show him the bug that lives under the bench, Tova moaning about the lack of network on her phone, Christian filling his nappy with content grunts and Tom giving Lukas a soft kiss on the lips.

“He looks okay?” Tom questions, looking at Lukas with that look that makes him fall in love with him all over again. Because Tom is the kindest person Lukas has ever met. The funniest idiot on the planet. The most ridiculous human being. And he is all Lukas’s. All his. And his Tom loves him, to the moon and back. Every fucking minute of the day.

“He’s okay. Give him an hour to process and he will be back on track dragging us all off to some ridiculous place he has read about on TripAdvisor. “

“Ugh. The Best Sauerkraut in Berlin was not good. However many stars TripAdvisor gave it I am not having that shit again.” Tom makes a face and Lukas kisses him. Again, and Again.

“You do realise our son has pooped, don’t you?”Yeah, and now they are doing that embarrassing parenting thing again. Tom trying to sniff Christian’s nappy as Lukas holds the baby sling out from his chest saying a little prayer that the nappy hasn’t leaked onto his shirt. Because he has already used the spare he carries in the backpack, after an incident involving Robin, a bottle of ketchup and a wobbly pot of strawberry jam over breakfast.

“Yup. It’s a poop. Would it be wrong to change him in a graveyard?” Lukas says quietly whilst looking around.

“Nah, Max is letting Ellie do a wee wee against the tree over there. I doubt anyone will mind. Do you want me to do it?” Tom whispers in his ear, whilst letting his hands stroke down Lukas’s arms.

“Nah, I’m good.” Lukas smiles and lets the back-pack fall to the ground. “Hand me the mat, will you?”

“We need to buy another pack of wipes later today.”

“Yeah, and we are running low on nappies. We could buy some to take home I suppose.”

“I think we need to take Robin for ice cream before he throws a fit. I have been promising him ice cream today, since we didn’t have dessert last night.”

“We should go back to that cheesecake place, you know with the gourmet coffee?”

“The one where Ellie weed on the floor? No thanks. I think they probably have our pictures on the wall to make sure we are barred from the place.”

“Ah, yeah. Forgot about that.”

“Dad, the best ice cream place near here is two stops on the bus then a fifteen-minute walk, but it’s downhill according to the map, so shall we give it a try?”

“Ice cream?” Tom shakes his head and pulls Matteo in for a hug. “Yeah, go on. We can manage a fifteen minute walk. Can’t we?”

“Yeah. We can. For ice cream we can manage anything.”

He’s still a little weary. Tugging at the hair on his head.

“We’re all here,” Tom says softly. “Everyone you love is right here, and we all love you right back.”

“I know,” Matteo says quietly.

“Do you want to stay a bit longer?”

“No. I want to get Robin his ice cream and then I want to go to that bar by the river, you know the big lawn we saw on the boat tour yesterday? I want to go there and sit on the grass and watch the kids play and just be. Can we do that? Just be us. Our family. Have a few beers and laugh and be silly.”

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