Page 32 of Baking Battles

“We need to talk.” Christopher says, his voice much sterner.

“I’ve been telling you that since we left work. I need to know. I need to understand Christopher.”

Mattias lets his body fall onto the sofa, hoping that Christopher will follow. Which he doesn't. He just stands there looking at Mattias, who wishes he had brought the rest of the bottle. Just anything to dull this ball of angst in his stomach. His mouth that is on the verge of spilling out a load of words he will probably regret. Or not. Fuck, he doesn't know anything right now.

“I fell in love with you the first time I saw you.” Christopher starts, his voice low and stern. “You were sitting in Danijel’s kitchen with Alima, with your schoolbooks spread all over the table, and you were really animated trying to explain something, and Alima was practically shouting at you how wrong you were, that you didn't know shit about the periodic system. Then you said that you were the master of chemistry or something, and I just stood there smiling. Because you were the most beautiful boy I had ever seen, and I was completely mesmerised by you. You looked up at me, just for a second, and it was like I had been struck by lightning. You know when you just know that someone is special? Well, that’s what happened. Then I tried everything to talk to you, but I was shy and awkward, and you were like totally uninterested which made me even more determined. You kept looking at me and I just fell more and more helplessly in love with you. The idea of you. I kind of made it a thing in my head, thinking that you secretly loved me as much as I loved you, because you kept looking back now and then, and I would float on clouds for days. I was totally obsessed. The guys kept laughing at me and teasing me, but I didn't care. You were my boy-crush. And I know it was totally childish, and I should have grown out of it years ago, but I had kind of made it real in my head, this connection I thought we had. It was stupid, and I am sorry for making you feel like your life has spiralled out of control.”

“Christopher. You and Danijel and your crew were these cool older boys. You would have beaten the shit out of me if I had even attempted to speak to you.” Probably not, but he had been what? Fourteen? Fifteen?

“We were not cool. We were total nerds and we would never have beaten you up or anything stupid like that. I would have told you how pretty you were and made you a cup of chai.That’show cool we were.”

Finally. There is a small flicker of a smile on Christopher’s lips. A tiny bit of laughter.

“You can tell me I’m pretty and bring me chai anytime.” Mattias mutters. He means it. It just doesn’t come out right.

“Please don’t make fun of me. I can’t bear it. It’s hard enough to realise that I am a total flake when it comes to my love life, and that I have spent most of my adult life being in love with someone I can never have.”

“I’m not. I’m just trying to understand.” He leans forward on the sofa, letting his head fall into his hands. Because he can’t look at Christopher right now. There are just too many conflicting feelings rumbling around in his head. Too many ideas. Too many thoughts that will lead to nothing but Mattias back in his bed alone, crushed into nothing, a week from now.

“Then maybe I should go.” Christopher sighs. “Because I can’t live like this. I just can’t.”

“Like what? You have a fantastic career, no responsibilities, and people adore you. You have all these amazing friends, who obviously love you and…” Mattias has to stop. He doesn’t know what he is trying to say, yet he does. He knows what he wants.

And that is when the doorbell almost seems to scream throughout the apartment.

“Did you order food?” Christopher asks, looking a bit shocked. Like Mattias couldn't order a pizza if he wanted to. Not that he wants pizza. The last thing he wants right now is pizza.

“No?” Mattias questions and heads off to get the door, followed by Emi tumbling out of the bedroom, her eyes half open from sleepiness.

So there Mattias stands, his usual unravelled mess of himself as he swings the front door open to reveal his brightly lit up hallway, that houses a crying child wearing chocolate-stained clothes, and a tall very handsome man wearing boxers and a T-shirt only.

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