Page 34 of Baking Battles

“No. No no no. I only met Christopher on Tuesday. We are working on a project together and he needed a place to crash.” Mattias says, sounding calm and confident until Sara just laughs in his face.

“Yeah right, because Emi kind of knew ‘Uncle Christopher’ a bit too well, and why was he half naked? And you are blushing, Matt, you fucking liar.” She does the quote marks aroundUncle Christopherright on time for Christopher to show up with a clean and expertly dressed Emi, wearing pink pyjamas, and a Star Wars stormtrooper mask over her face.

“I should go.” Christopher says, as Emi wraps her arms tighter around his neck.

Mattias doesn’t blame him, because Sara’s blotchy face and erratic stomping around is hardly helping Mattias’s case here. Nor is the fact that his hands are shaking and that the air is thick with unease.

“You are not going anywhere, Christopher!” Mattias tries not to shout, but this is clearly getting out of hand.

“I’m taking Emi home.” Sara says reaching for her daughter, who only lifts her Star Wars mask long enough to, “NO!”

“Matt?” Sara pleads.

“Sara…” Mattias rolls his eyes again. He can’t help it. Because if he thinks his life has spun out of control he is right. This isn’t funny. It’s plain ridiculous.

“Christopher...” he says, keeping his voice calm and steady as Sara blows her nose into a tissue, then angrily shoves it back in her coat pocket. “This is my ex-wife Sara, Emi’s mum. She is a bit upset after a crap Tinder date with someone called Thomas-the-Rat.”

Sara actually laughs. It may be hollow, but it’s still a laugh.

“Sara, this is Christopher, who our daughter has decided is called ‘Uncle Clistopler’, and he is staying with me. He is great with Emi, and they are friends. I hope. Because that was one hell of a crash earlier.”

“Sorry, we were looking for a Star Wars Duplo man. We found him. He is now imprisoned in the Unicorn castle.” Christopher says, keeping a totally serious face as Emi nods knowingly.

“Tar Wars baddie eating the Uni-kitty!.” She says and pats Christopher on the shoulder. “Clistopler, come on!!”

“Emi, we will play more tomorrow, but you need to go to bed.” Christopher says sternly. “Otherwise, Mummy and Daddy will be very cross with Uncle Christopher, and then we can’t play and do all the fun things we want to do.”

“No bed. Uni-Kitty” Emi says sternly.

“Yes. Bed.” Sara says. “Matt, can I please take her home. I just don’t want to be on my own all weekend. Please. And at least you have Christopher here to look after you.”

“He’s going home to his parents for the weekend.” Now Mattias sounds just as bad as Sara. They are all behaving like children and if he was Christopher, he would be running for the hills instead of perhaps contemplating staying.

“I can stay if you need me.” Christopher says, and Mattias can’t hide the smile on his face and Sara smiles sweetly, then rolls her eyes.

“You two are so bloody cute,” she says, and for once Mattias is grateful for the person Sara can be. The one who just laughs stuff off like it’s nothing, when Mattias thinks the world is about to end.

“Sara.” Mattias starts. Then he looks at Christopher, letting his finger poke at Christopher’s chest..

“Youare staying, because we have things to talk about.” He’s surprised at himself snapping right into work mode with Christopher. Not that Christopher is going anywhere. He’s not. Not if Mattias can help it.

“Sounds serious.” Sara nods and shoots off another fake charming smile at Christopher.

“You can have as many selfies as you want with Christopher and post them all over social media for all I care.”

Yeah, here he goes again.

“As long as Christopher is cool with that. But not tonight, because your makeup is all... smudgy.” Now Mattias is waving his finger in Sara’s face, trying to find the words to describe what he is trying to say. He knows Sara is dying to ask, and she is bold and brash enough not to give a shit that Christopher looks exhausted and has crap down the front of his T-shirt, and Mattias just wants to throw his arms around him and hug him and beg him to make everything make sense.

“Emi. Mummy needs you to look after her this evening. Do you think you can be a big girl for Daddy and make sure Mummy gets home? Mummy needs extra cuddles tonight, so you should make sure you give her lots of hugs and kisses. Can you do that for Daddy? Then you come back to Daddy and Uncle Christopher on Monday.” Emi doesn’t look totally convinced, but she nods.

“Monday. Play Uni-Kitty Monday.”

“Absolutely.” Christopher nods, then stares at Mattias like he has two heads. “I promise to keep Uni-Kitty safe from the baddie Star Wars people.” Christopher gives Emi a high five, then looks at Sara, smiling. Just a little.

“We can do a selfie for your social media if you want.” Christopher says, looking slightly bemused.

“Thank you.” Sara sounds like she means it, smiling politely and trying to wipe the smudged makeup from under her eyes. “Thank you, another day, maybe?”

---