Page 37 of Baking Battles

“When you kissed me the other day it made me feel things.”Mattias still whispers. It’s like his voice just isn’t working right.

“That’s good. Feelings are good… as long as me kissing you didn’t make you feel nauseous or something. I had brushed my teeth.”

It’s good to giggle. Just to chuckle softly as Christopher’s hands are stroking his back. Strong firm strokes in the same pattern, moving up and round his shoulder blades, then back to the small of his back, making his shirt move. He likes it. He likes this closeness. The warmth. Feeling safe, because that kind of works. Christopher makes him feel safe. Which is nice.

“I like you.” Mattias snuffles. He does. It’s the truth. “You make me feel comfortable with myself. I don’t even understand it, but with you? I feel… I don’t know? Better?

“I adore you, even though you still act like I don’t exist most of the time. But then, now and then, you kind of get to me. It’s almost like you let all your safety shields down and I see the real you. Just for a little while, like now. When you are just you and I am just me and you need a hug and I get to give you one. It’s all I ever wanted. Just to be that person that gets to hug you. Hold you. Make everything better.”

“You do make everything better.” Mattias tries. He does. He really needs to get this out. “You make me all confused, but at the same time, you are the only thing that makes sense right now. You make me feel safe and you make my cock twitch and you make me want things that I never thought I wanted.”

Yeah. Maybe that was too much. Well played Mattias.

Well, Christopher just laughs and keeps stroking Mattias’s back.

“I don’t want to be someone you just experiment with. I need to know that you want this.”

“That I want what? I don’t know what I want, and how can I know what I want if you won’t let me try. I mean, do I have to beg for it? I just want you to kiss me so I can figure out if this is what I think it is, if I’m bloody gay or not.”

Great. Now Christopher is pushing him away, then grabs his arms and gives him a little shake and Mattias just wants to cry. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.

“You think that you are gay? Or not?” Christopher just looks at him.

“I don’t know!! How am I supposed to know? I’ve never met a man who I’ve looked at twice before you burst into my life and climbed into my bed, and now I can’t stop thinking about you and then everyone is pushing me around and saying, ‘Oh, you are gay, and oh, you are bi, and oh this and fucking that, and I don’t know what the hell to think, and then you go and kiss me and make me feel all kinds of fucked up. What am I supposed to think? “

“Sorry.”

“For what? And don’t say sorry for kissing me, because I liked it, liked it a lot, and now I am freaking pathetic standing here begging for it. Because I really really want you to kiss me again, and if you don’t kiss me I might just lose the plot.”

Mattias is panting. Standing there like the fool he is as Christopher lets go of him and clumsily tries to tie the ties of the robe tighter around his waist.

“I’ve been pestering Danijel for years to try to find out if you were the tiniest bit bi-curious, so I would know whether I was a total nutcase pining for a straight guy, or if I had a chance. If you ever left your wife, if I turned up, I just wanted to have some hope. A tiny little glimmer of hope.”

“And what did Danijel say?” Mattias can’t believe he’s asking. Like that he wants to know. Because really?

“He said he didn’t have a clue, and that you never talked about your private life. But then Danijel has zero gaydar, and then he got Pablo roped into trying to figure you out, and you know what Pablo is like. He clocked you from day one, and said you were so far in the closet that he was actually launching a rescue mission to Narnia to get you out.”

“Wanker.” Mattias laughs, his cheeks are warm, and he is stomping around like Sara. Tracing invisible patterns on the floor with his feet.

“Pablo is harmless. He loves everyone. Well not as much as he loves Danijel, but whatever.”

“He loves Danijel? Do they know each other? From before this project?”

“Pablo is my stylist. He’s been working for me for the last five years. I introduced them, and they hated each other from the very first moment. Pablo offended Danijel by asking if he had a habit of buying his shirts from discount supermarkets.”

“Ouch.” Mattias giggles. He knows that Danijel only buys his shirt from some stupid online designer shop in New York. Shirts that are always too tight and kind of shiny.

“Yeah, and Danijel called Pablo something very derogatory and Pablo gave him a speech. So yes, that first meeting didn’t go down well.”

“Christopher?”

“Then the next time I went to see Pablo, I was picking up a new suit for this award thing, and Danijel was sitting in his kitchen. I mean, this was early on a Saturday morning, and Danijel never gets out of bed before eleven on a Saturday…”

“Christopher.”

He looks up, looking a little confused, having been rudely interrupted mid-sentence.

“Christopher, you are still not kissing me.”

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