Page 33 of Ship of Fools

I love it. I hate it. I fear it and it is exactly what I need. There is a panic rising through me as the fear tries to take over, yet he’s shushing and praising me through the moans and thrusts.“Such a good... little slut... fuck… I love it. Fuck you’re so beautiful. Fuck, fuck,fuck…”

He comes and he just can’t control it. His whole body frozen in an orgasm that makes his mouth shout out words I can’t make any sense of. I think some of it might be Italian as he thrusts, almost by instinct, then, pulls back slowly, as I cough, and my hand clumsily wipes snot from my nose. It’s all over my face anyway. Spit and snot, and come in my mouth, as I splutter and cough with loud raspy breaths.

I must look depraved. Raw. Thoroughly fucked, as my hand is still pumping my dick, white wetness dripping from my fingers.

I came somewhere in the madness of what we just did.

I don’t know what the hell that was. I’ve never orgasmed like that before, and I feel both high and exhausted and ecstatic at the same time.

“You okay, my darling?” he questions, stripping the now-damp with sweat t-shirt he was wearing from his body and wiping my face with it, as he kisses my temples. Kisses the wetness from my eyes. Kisses my swollen mouth.

“Fuck you...” I say quietly. “Fuck. Fuck. You...”

“I will let you fuck me, any time.” He says softly. “Just ask. I know you don’t like topping, and I haven’t bottomed in years, but you can do it. You can do anything to me.”

“Fuck you.” I say, louder this time. “How will we ever have normal sex again after you make me do that? That was…” I wave my arms around, come flying onto the sofa from my fingers. I wipe them on his chest. Smear bodily fluids into his perfect chest hair.

“Was it too much?”He worries. Fuck him. He could have gone much harder on me, and I would have come so hard my head would have snapped off my neck.

“That, was. Fuck you. It was bloody hot. You, like that? All bossy and dominant and ridiculous? Next time I want to be on my knees, so you can really hold my head down. That’s... that was like the best porn-fantasy, wet-dream kind of hot.”

“Hot,” He mutters, and laughs. “You... I seem to... I just want to do all these crazy things with you.”

“They are not crazy things. It’s just sex. Some of it, perhaps a bit hardcore, but it’s what… it’s what I like. I like being handled roughly. I like being told I’m a little slut. I like being made to do things, because it turns me on.”

“It turns me on to make you do them.” He says softly, “I don’t know why, I haven’t figured that bit out yet.”

“We’ll figure it out. One day. But right now? As long as we are both good? It doesn’t fucking matter why, because we both had a good time. You had a good time, right?”

“It was... insane.” He rubs his face like he can’t quite believe he’s still here. Blinking into the light like he’s just woken up.

“Then, we are all good?” I say, and pull him in, so I can kiss him.

“Wanna stay here for a bit? I need to lie down. My knees are fucked, and I just want to hold you for a while. Kind of put us both back together again.”

“And come down from that high?” I make him stand up, his legs wobbling from the effort. I feel a bit faint. My face still tingling from him. My head somewhere in the clouds.

“Let’s go to bed.”This time I get to fold him under the covers. Wrap him up in my arms as I kiss his head.“I think I will make a good boyfriend,” I whisper in his ear.

“Youarethe best boyfriend.” He whispers back.

I tell him he can stay the night. I tell him that one day I will tell him that I love him. I don’t know if he can hear me, but I say it anyway. I tell him that I hope that we can always play, always laugh, and always talk about all the things that matter. I tell him that I’ve had the best Christmas.

He snores into my pillow.

I’m Captaining this Ship of Fools, but I think he might be right there beside me. We are heading for disaster on a ship neither of us know how to steer. We have no plan, no compass and no map of the world. But do we really need one?

We don’t know what we are doing, and I think I might be fine with that. Because he makes me happy. This makes me happy. I’m strangely happy lying here with my body still tingling from the games we just played.

I whisper to him, that I think I deserve this. I think I deserve everything he gives me. Because I have waited far too long, and made too many mistakes. I deserve to be me, I deserve to feel and have someone love me just the way I am. I’m me, with everything I like and need and crave. I think he likes me. I think he might love me back one day too, at least that’s what I wish for. If I could have one Christmas wish? I would wish for him to stay. I wish for him to smile like he does in his sleep. For him and me and happiness. Good sex and laughter. Friendship. Kisses. Falling asleep in each other’s arms.

I kiss his head. Snuggle into his back, my arms holding him tight.

He snores, and I suppose for now? That’s good enough.

Luca - Six months later

I can hear him skip up the stairs to our front door, his voice ringing through the house as he calls out that he’s home. I know better than to try to get to him, because Mum has already run up to get herself hugged from her favourite son-in-law,and all I can do is stand back and wait my turn as I pull my fingers through my hair. I need a haircut, but I’ve neglected those little things that tend not to matter anymore. Andreas loves my hair. He loves when I forget to shave. He loves my unkempt body hair and my out-of-control pubes.

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