Page 17 of This Thing With Charlie

“Can I please, please see you? I just need to talk to you,” I begged. I wasn’t proud. This was not me. I was better than all this. Yet, I realised that this was exactly me. I demanded. I needed. I pushed and I pulled and people walked away.

“Daniel,” he said softly.

“I’m sorry.” Here we were again. Me and my stupid excuses, but I took a deep breath, and the words just came tumbling out.

“I wish things with you had gone differently, and god knows, I wish I’d said completely different things. I wish things with you had played out differently because if they had?” I had to stop and breathe again. “If I knew what I know now? I would’ve hugged you more. I would have hugged you every time I saw you and every time I left. I would’ve told you how bloody cool you are, and how beautiful you look when you smile. If I’d realised sooner, why I felt like this around you, why you calmed me down and made me laugh, and why the world was a happier place when you were with me, then I would’ve stood there and let you kiss me. And I would have kissed you back, but I didn’t realise, and instead? I got scared. I didn’t want to think about all those things in my head because I knew they weren’t true, and then I tried to tell myself I didn’t like you as much as I thought I did, but I did, and it wasn’t you. It was never you reading things wrong. You read everything right, and I wish I’d just realised before it was too late.”

“You’re not in love with me,” he said softly. “Well, fuck do I know? You might be. I mean there are people who are bi-romantic, who fall in love with people of the same sex, but don’t necessarily want to have sex with them. But…”

“Bi-romantic?” I questioned. “I like sex. I want sex.”

“Yeah, but have you actually thought about it?” he asked. And I had to swallow, a bit too loudly.

“Sex?” came out of my mouth as I blushed like a teenager. “With you?”

“Yes, Daniel, because sex is kind of a deal-breaker with me. I like sex too. If you and I can’t at least get naked and get each other off, then I don’t know how this relationship will have a future because I get what you are saying and trust me, you’re asking how I am? Daniel? Really?”

“Yeah?” I sounded like a fool again. And now? Now he was truly angry.

“I’ve been humiliated in my life. I’ve been beaten up by assholes and followed around in town. I’ve been scared shitless, many, many times, but that kiss with you? Fucking broke me. That was the last straw because I thought… Fuck, I liked you so bloody much. I finally thought, you know, that I had met someone... someone I actually cared about. Every day, I woke up and I couldn’t wait to see you. I counted down the hours until you would walk through that door, and when you did? You lit up my world, but that? That wasn’t how it all turned out. You just dumped me after you had that big gay panic of yours. And then? A couple of texts. A five-minute phone call where we said nothing that mattered. Nice. That? That’s what you want?”

“You asked for some space,” I said calmly. “You said you wanted some time to get over me.”

“And did you want me to get over you?” he shouted.

I could see his point.

“No, Charlie. No, I wanted you to come to me. I wanted to go to wherever you were, but I was terrified. And you? You were with your family.”

“I cried on New Year’s Eve. I haven’t cried like that since I was a kid.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. You are such a dick.”

“I know.”

We fell silent. I didn’t know what to tell him. I didn’t know what to say.

“I thought of buying you a Christmas present and leaving it outside your door.”

“Oh, yeah?” Good conversation, Daniel. Very good.

“I was going to order you a massive dildo and some lube and leave it for you with a note not to ring me until you had figured out if you liked it or not.”

“Liked what?”

He laughed.

“Daniel. Daniel, Daniel, Daniel. A lot of straight men enjoy ass play. It’s not just a gay thing, you know. It’s not just girls using big scary strap-ons to peg their blokes. It’s more sensory play because the anal area is full of lovely nerve endings that will give you all kinds of nice pleasure if you just open your mind to it. I mean, yeah, it’s not for everyone, but there is nothing like making someone else connect with you like that.”

“Connect? Sounds like… plug and play.” How old was I? Thirteen?

“Talking about it is good, Daniel. Don’t be such an arse. You don’t have to make a joke about it every fucking time. You’re a doctor. Talk to me on a professional level here. Did you not have those moments when you made love to your wife when you stared at each other and things were just, you know, completely calm, almost magical?”

I didn’t know what to say to that. Magical? Maybe?

“It doesn’t matter. Everyone is different, but if… if I was with you and you let me, then I would make love to you, and yes, I would want to put my penis inside of you because there is nothing, and I mean that, nothing more wonderful than being that close with someone. I would be inside you, and I would fuck you until you came because you would. I would make sure of it.”

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