Page 14 of Exhale

Before my bravery ran out, I knocked on the purple door and felt my heart beating hard against my ribs, a huge lump at the back of my throat. My mouth was dry, and I couldn’t make myself swallow. Hulk meowed in distress, clawing at the mesh of his cage. I shouldn’t have done this. I shouldn’t have once again put myself in this ridiculous situation, but my heart worked in mysterious ways, and I—

And there she was. The woman who filled me with dread, casually standing in the doorway with a questioning look on her beautiful face. She was exactly like I’d imagined. Too gorgeous, too perfect. Everything Jamie had described, and everything I would never be.

From within the masses of curls, she smiled, and it lit up the world as she reached out, taking a tentative step towards me.

“Leo,” she said softly. “YouareLeo, right?”

“Yeah,” I whispered, my chest vibrating with panic.

“Thank god for that.” She sighed and took the cage from me, then motioned for me to follow her inside. I did. I had no choice now.

She called out for someone, closing the door behind us as we walked into the house. It was plain. Normal. A large kitchen with a massive table surrounded by mismatched chairs painted every colour under the sun. There was warmth from the sun shining through the window. Photographs and drawings on the fridge screamedfamilyright in my face while I stood in my own pathetic, obvious solitude. Lifting my bags from my shoulders, I let them drop to the floor as a young girl came skipping down the hallway. She stopped to stare at me curiously.

“This is Leo,” the woman said. “This is Jamie’s Leo.”

“That means lion,” the girl replied.

“It’s the same in French,” I said, my voice stronger than I’d thought it would be. “Le lion. Orla lionneif it’s a lioness.”

She repeated the words with a cheeky grin on her face. Then she spotted Hulk in his cage and immediately started cooing over him. He sat there, seemingly stunned to silence by this girl, who gently and expertly set his carry cage on the wooden floor and opened the door, offering her hand in greeting with no hesitance at all. Surprisingly, he took a step outside, sniffing her fingers and looking around for a place to hide. The girl laughed and launched into a million questions that I failed to grasp let alone answer. My legs no longer able to hold my weight in my exhausted and bewildered state, I pulled out a chair and sat.

“I’m Kizzy,” the woman said, taking a seat next to me. “But I think you already know that.”

“I should leave. I’m sorry. I just didn’t know what to do.”

“No, no, no. You should stay.” Her tone made me sit up and pay attention. “You need to talk some sense into Jamie. He’s so besotted with you that he can’t think straight, and I can see why. You’re just as gorgeous as he said you were. He’s been a total mess, and here you are. You’re staying. Want a cup of tea?”

“Are…you back together?” I asked, my bravery making a bid to reinstate itself. I wasn’t having this bullshit. None of it. I was worth more. I was worth my Prince Charming and my bloody happy ending, and I didn’t deserve to be anyone’s idea of a joke.

“No, God no. I look after Olive every Friday. That’s our girly time, isn’t it, Olive?”

“Girly Fridays,” the girl—Olive—agreed. “Sometimes we go to the cinema. Once, we went out for dinner at a restaurant, just Kiz and me, like proper grown-ups. Can we go there again sometime?”

“We can,” Kizzy said, looking over at me. “Tea?”

“Please. Black, two sugars.” I was a fool with no backbone. No strength. I felt completely out of place. This was probably my biggest mistake ever. One I would regret for the rest of my life.

“What’s your cat’s name?” Olive asked. Even if Kizzy hadn’t mentioned it, I’d memorised his siblings names, ages and habits. Everything he’d told me was etched into my brain. Olive’s cheeky grin was the same as his, which made my chest ache. It was bewildering how I could remember all those details, yet I couldn’t remember the scent of his hair or how it felt against my fingers.

“Hulk,” I said. Overwhelmed and anxious to the max, I was suddenly too warm in the bright kitchen and clumsily pulled off my hoodie, then sat there sporting a threadbare t-shirt, tugging the fabric uneasily around my awkward body.

“Cool! Like in the Marvel films? Hi, Hulk!! I’m Olive. shall we be friends? Can he live in my room? I can make space, but then he might get lonely. Has he got a litter tray? My friend has a cat. They have a litter tray.”

I let her chatter on and accepted the cup of tea placed into my hands, drinking the too-hot liquid in greedy gulps, hoping it would calm me down.

“Can I speak to you?” Kizzy asked quietly, ignoring Olive’s chatter, as Hulk was happily keeping her busy on the floor. “Like, honest talk?”

“Yeah,” came out of my mouth. Because the truth was better than nothing.Anythingwas better with nothing. She could throw me out with harsh words at this point, and I would have been grateful for at least knowing where I stood.

“Jamie is always second-guessing himself. That’s just the way he is. He doubts and worries and sinks deeper and deeper into these huge holes he digs for himself. Holes so deep he doesn’t know how to get out. You’ll understand once you get to know him better. But he’s the most wonderful man I know, and if you ever break his heart, I will come for you. That’s a promise, by the way—a real one.”

The smile on my face felt more like a frightening grimace. But Kizzy smiled back and tookmy hand as she continued.

“Jamie thinks you’re special. Special enough that he’s sitting at the bottom of some massive, deep-arse hole right now. Please don’t be angry with him. He’s not doing this to hurt you, and I know you’re hurt. I can see it in your eyes. You’re angry with me too, because you think I’m fencing you out of his life. I’m not, I promise you, Leo, dearest Leo. So listen, and listen well. You have nothing to fear from me.”

She looked honest as well, her face full of concern. She looked kind and I somehow didn’t know how to deal with that. So, I sipped the scalding tea with lips that stung, and just nodded at her steady flow of words.

“As for Jamie… I’ve never seen him like this. He’s so obsessed with you, and the idea of the two of you, that his head is a muddle of conflicting thoughts. He worries that you don’t feel as strongly about what happened between you as he does. He’s not sleeping because he misses you. He rambles on about never being enough for someone as perfect as you. He talks about you every day. Wonders if you’ll text him back if he texts you. Imagines you’ve met someone else. I keep telling him to trust his instincts. When he said you were a good egg, I believed him, and here you are. With a cat.”

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