Page 13 of Someone Save My Midlife Tonight

“Oh my God,” I said with a wince.

“And then some,” Jennifer agreed, now well into her second glass of wine. “Moving on to laws. Did you know that in Arizona, it’s illegal to allow donkeys to sleep in bathtubs?”

Who in the world had a bathtub big enough for a donkey to sleep in?

Nonplussed about bathing donkeys, Candy Vargo jumped in. “A donkey is also called an ass,” she reminded everyone, clearly delighted to still be able to use the word ass.

Tim, not to be outdone by his bestie Jennifer, chimed in. “And in Connecticut, a pickle is considered inedible unless it bounces.”

“Pickle is another word for penis,” Candy Vargo announced.

“Thank you for that,” Jennifer told her with a chuckle. “Another law to keep in mind is that Idaho is the only state where cannibalism is illegal.”

Heather cackled. “Good thing Candy doesn’t live in Idaho.”

“Screw you,” Candy groused.

I tried not to laugh. I failed. As the story went, Candy Vargo had literally eaten Gabe, Abby, Rafe and Prue several thousand years ago. There was a vicious battle that had left Candy armless and legless. Without going into specifics, she decided that eating them was the only way out. Shockingly, they were alive and whole now. The logistics of that exchange were something I never wanted to learn. The Angels had a wary truce with the Keeper of Fate and enjoyed bringing it up from time to time. Candy Vargo did not enjoy rehashing the good old days.

“Enough,” Gideon said. “I’d prefer not to spend an hour gripping the porcelain God while thinking about that. Daisy?”

“Yes?”

“It’s time for some fresh air. We’ll deal with everything as it comes.”

“Gideon and Daisy?” June said with her hands clasped in front of her. “I’d like to stay and wait for Charlie here, please.”

Her expression was yearning, and her smile was filled with pain. She’d only recently learned the man who she’d loved for decades with every fiber of her being wasn’t human. Reconciling that couldn’t be easy.

I looked at Gideon, who nodded curtly. “Everyone can stay. However, if Charlie returns with Shitty Ritchie, that plan changes immediately.”

Amelia stood up. “I’ll go to Candy’s. The foster kids are there and the babysitter will need to leave soon.”

“Good thinkin’,” Candy said, hugging Amelia.

“I’ll go too,” Missy said, kissing Heather’s cheek.

Heather looked relieved. Having Missy in any kind of danger was Heather’s worst nightmare.

Tory sighed dramatically. “If they go, I’m accompanying them. If shart goes south, they need protection.”

“Good use of the word shart,” Candy said, congratulating Tory. “Tim, Heather and I are gonna figure out how to sue the Higher Power. That Fruit Loop labia ain’t gonna know what hit It.”

“Sounds like a plan,” I said, putting the jacket on my baby while wincing at the term Fruit Loop labia.

It was a plan… kind of. Without having any clue as to what was really happening, it was as good as we were going to get right now.

CHAPTER FOUR

The late afternoonsun hung low in the sky and illuminated the front yard in a golden glow. The blades of grass blew in the light breeze. The sweet smell was familiar and brought back far simpler times. I wouldn’t go back, but I was seriously jonesing for a year or five without looking over my shoulder and fighting for my life and the lives of those I loved. If this was the trade-off to have Gideon and Alana Catherine, I’d take it. But one could always hope it would get a little less deadly.

We’d gotten married in this yard less than a week ago. It seemed as if a lifetime had passed since that beautiful day. My goal had been to have a honeymoon. Now? That was at the bottom of a long list. Didn’t matter. We lived forever. We’d get to it eventually.

As I looked up, I spotted the faint shadow of the moon. The visual always made me happy. I wasn’t sure why. Maybe it was that opposites could attract or that the light and the dark could be friends. Or maybe I was weird. Gram would say I wascreative. Candy Vargo would suggest I was smoking Merlin’s magical nards. I’d stick with weird.

Glancing around, I looked for the surprise. I didn’t see it. However, Gideon’s ridiculously large grin made me feel like I was missing something big.

“Umm… not sure what I’m looking for,” I told him as he did a little jig with our baby.

---