Page 17 of Someone Save My Midlife Tonight

My eyes narrowed to slits. “What crimes?”

I watched as the little freak considered his next words carefully. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

I rolled my eyes. “You brought it up, not me, Shitty Ritchie. So, spit it out. I’m getting bored.”

“Bored?” he screamed, shocked. “Shitty Ritchie is not boring.”

“Totally boring,” I shot back. “Rude, violent, ugly and boring.”

He was wildly insulted. “Rude? Yes. Violent? Absolutely. Ugly? NOT. Boring? NEVER!”

I blew out a puff of air. How was this my life right now? I was arguing with a tiny, deadly idiot. I had far more important things to deal with.

“Leave,” I said. “You will leave.”

Shitty Ritchie smiled at me. At least I thought it was a smile. Maybe he grimaced. Whatever it was, it was disturbing. “Do I have to?”

“Are you serious?” I shouted. “Yes, you have to leave. I can’t stand you, and you blew my house up for no reason.”

“Too many,” he muttered, flapping his little hands wildly. “Too many of you here. I needed to show you that I am powerful.”

“By being a dick?” I hissed.

“Dick is fine,” Candy Vargo chimed in. “It’s a body part. Penis would be better, but dick will work too.”

When I was done yeeting Shitty Ritchie, I was going to yeet Candy Vargo as well.

“I said I was sorry,” Shitty Ritchie whined. “I mean I came here, didn’t I? That should count for something.”

“Guys,” I said, still keeping my gaze on the miniature enemy on the ground. “Can you all get where I cansee you, please?”

“Yes,” Gideon said as he moved into my sightline along with the others.

“Is the ward still holding around Alana Catherine?” I asked.

Gideon nodded and I sighed with relief.

“Charlie,” I said. “Did Shitty Ritchie come willingly?”

“For the most part,” Charlie said. “I do believe he can help. I wouldn’t have gone after him if I didn’t believe that to be true.”

I internally groaned but stayed outwardly badass. I trusted Charlie. Gideon trusted Charlie. Hell, everyone trusted him. “Someone needs to explain to me now how this little piece of excrement can help us. If no one can, his ass is out of here.”

“Ass is a donkey,” Candy announced. “Perfectly acceptable. And throwing in excrement was outstanding.”

“An ass is also the buttocks,” Shitty Ritchie volunteered.

I rolled my eyes. Everyone here was crazy… including me. “Speak or I’ll drop kick this loser to Mars.”

Charlie stepped forward. “Shitty Ritchie’s largest asset is his hatred of the Higher Power.”

This time my eye roll should have made my eyes get stuck in the back of my head. “Umm… pretty sure we have that covered here without the destructive turdknocker.”

“Possibly,” Charlie conceded. “However, the Higher Power fears Shitty Ritchie for some unknown reason.”

That was interesting. “Why?” I demanded of the idiot beneath my boot. “Tell me why the Higher Power fears you.”

“I shall give you three guesses,” he squeaked.

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