Page 27 of Someone Save My Midlife Tonight

While that wasn’t surprising, it was sad. However, friendless people didn’t have the right to eat humans. As always, I was shocked that I was even having these thoughts. A year ago, if I’d been told I’d be sitting under the stars with an eight-inch magical cannibal, I would have laughed.

I wasn’t laughing now.

“Do you have any family?” I demanded.

“No.”

“Education?” Most of the Immortals I knew were over-educated. Gideon had so many degrees that I couldn’t even count them. When a person lived forever, they had a lot oftime on their hands. Some used it wisely, and some ate people.

“No.”

“How old are you, Shitty Ritchie?”

“I am the oldest one of them all.”

I squinted at him. That wasn’t possible, or I didn’t think it was. From what I’d been told the Higher Power came first. Literally. Granted, the little man had been living in a cave for a while, and might have lost his grasp on reality. I hesitated before my next question, but went for it. “Children?” I seriously hoped the answer was no. It would be terrifying to think there was more than one of him.

“No,” he said with a whimper. “I’ve never even had sex. I thought Myra and I might do the deed, but she perished in the parachute accident before I was able to seduce her properly. I have never known the joy of making the beast with two backs. I will never have the privilege of spreading my seed.”

I was speechless and grossed out. The thought of Shitty Ritchie doing the deed or seducing anyone was repulsive. This had to be the strangest conversation I’d ever been part of. Tim, thankfully took over.

“Oh my goodness… umm… friend,” Tim said, carefully patting the idiot’s back while making sure his hand stayed as far away from Shitty Ritchie’s sharp teeth as possible. “I too, have never participated in the beast with two backs. I’m more of an asexual kind of being. However, I have donated sperm in hopes to see a little Tim or Timina running around one day.”

This was entirely too much information to absorb. It was well known in our circle of friends that Tim had offered to be a sperm donor for Heather and Missy. It was unclear if they were going to take him up on the offer.

“Wait,” I said, holding up my hand. “Youdonated sperm?”

Tim nodded enthusiastically. “I did. Around sixty some odd years ago… possibly closer to seventy. I’d have to check my records to be sure.”

“Umm… okay. Where?” I asked.

“Right here in our lovely little town,” he explained.

“And was it ever… you know… used by anyone?” I questioned.

“As far as I know it was not,” Tim said sadly. “I put my information on the DNA sites in the last decade but alas, not one Tim or Timina has ever reached out.”

“Hang on,” I said, a little freaked out that he’d given a human company his Immortal DNA, but even more freaked that he’d randomly donated sperm in the first place. “Your DNA isn’t exactly normal. Can’t that set off alarm bells? We live hidden in plain sight.”

Tim patted my hand. “Not to worry, friend. Charlie helped me with all of that. He’s a wonderful doctor and scientist, as you know. Nothing that would throw up any red flags was revealed.”

I heaved a relieved sigh. The thought of Tim being abducted and experimented on was horrifying.

“Plus,” he added. “What I didn’t know sixtyish years back was that it’s nearly impossible for an Immortal to impregnate a human. I learned that when Charlie and June tried to have children naturally. And that’s why I have offered my reproductive services via a turkey baster to my Immortal friends!”

“Can I donate sperm too?” Shitty Ritchie asked, intrigued with the idea. “Maybe at the same place you did?”

Either Shitty Ritchie wasn’t listening or he didn’t take in that Immortals and humans don’t exactly mix in the baby department.

“Sadly, no,” Tim told him. “The clinic burned down decadesago. Broke my heart. All the records were singed to ash and I’ll never know if a little Tim or Timina exists even though the chances of that are very slim. So, that’s why I have chosen to only donate sperm to Immortal lesbian friends now. I would love to be a fun uncle to little Tim or Timina.”

“Do you have Immortal lesbian friends?” Shitty Ritchie asked, perking up considerably.

I knew where this was going and I was really glad that Heather wasn’t on the first watch. She’d crap her pants.

“I do!” Tim said. “Heather, who you’ve met, is a fabulous lesbian and her partner is Missy. Now, Missy isn’t technically Immortal, but she is a Soul Keeper, so it could possibly work with her since she has magic.” Tim clasped his hands together dreamily. “Won’t know until the turkey baster has been emptied into the cavity. I have suggested at least…” He quickly checked his notebook. “Twenty-nine times. I have offered my sperm twenty-nine times to my dear friends. I think thirty-three might be the magic number.”

“Okay.” I really tried to find a diplomatic way to express myself. There wasn’t one. “Tim, calling a vagina a cavity isn’t going to earn you any points. Also, the turkey baster method is not gonna fly. How about we rest this subject and you just wait for the gals to let you know if they’re game.”

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