Page 31 of Someone Save My Midlife Tonight

“Son of a bitch, cock sucker, balls,” the tiny nard screamed. “One of you brought them here.” He pointed wildly at all those who had been at Candy Vargo’s home. “Bad, bad, bad. Now I have to go back to my cave.” He stomped his foot in fury. “This is dreadful. I was making friends and getting the nerve up to offer my sperm to the Immortal lesbians.”

“I’m sorry, what?” Heather asked, horrified. “Repeat that.”

Missy’s mouth hung open in shock. If the situation we were in wasn’t so awful, I would have laughed.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Shitty Ritchie grunted, crossing his little arms over his chest and pouting.

Ignoring the ringing in my ears, I handed Alana Catherine to Gideon and cautiously approached the little guy who obviously knew more about the mysterious Immortal kidnappers than we did. “Talk.”

Shitty Ritchie flipped me off. “I’ve said enough. I can say no more.”

If I pressed, he might blow. First, I’d get our human friends to safety. Then, I’d deal with the asshole.

“I think that…” I said, then froze. June. June might not be fully human anymore. Clarissa had removed her heart to screw with me. I’d put it back into her. Granted, she came back to life about thirty years younger than she’d been when she died, but she’d survived. Charlie and June had grown adopted kids and grandkids. Explaining that she’d regressed a few decades was tricky. Thankfully, Tim could perform a little voodoo that would temporarily age June. She could see her kids and grandkids for short periods of time. Immortals could choose their age. When June looked young, Charlie matched her and when old, he did the same.

Walking over to June and Charlie, I reached out and took June’s hand in mine. I tried to keep my expression neutral, but my face was pretty readable. My dear friend was the nicest person I’d ever known and I had happy dreams about her peanut butter cookies. Right now, I wasn’t happy.

“What?” Charlie asked, warily.

“I think the unknown Immortals were looking for June,” I told him. “She’s the only one who could be considered human-ish.”

We didn’t know if June was Immortal. All Immortals had a footprint, so to speak. Each person who lived forever had their own unique color. So far, June didn’t have a footprint, but that didn’t mean it wouldn’t show up eventually. I knew that Charlie tested his wife for footprints regularly. It was obvious to all that he had hopes that the love of his life would live forever.

“Oh my,” June said, fanning her face with her hand. “I think you’re right! Am I illegal or something? Is a human-ish person against the law?”

“No laws on the fucking books about that,” Shitty Ritchie volunteered.

Candy Vargo couldn’t take it anymore. “Hey, Shitty Ritchie. I’m this close to removin’ your spleen. Cussin’ ain’t allowed round here no more. Gram had a problem and we’re all supportin’ her.” That line elicited choked laughter from thegroup. Gram just rolled her eyes. Candy ignored it and kept going. “You hear me, you little wrinkled testicle? You need to pick some shartin’ replacement words or I’m gonna shove your head up your stinky bahookey. Body parts are fine. Ass and bitch are fine since they mean donkey and female dog. But if I hear you say fuck one more time, I’m gonna lose my corn nuts.” Candy groaned as she realized she’d dropped an f-bomb. Without missing a beat, she electrocuted the living daylights out of herself.

Shitty Ritchie wasn’t sure what to make of Candy Vargo lighting herself on fire, but gave the flaming woman an enthusiastic thumbs up.

“June stays then,” Charlie announced firmly as his eyes turned icy blue and his power became evident. Even though we were outside, it was a little difficult to breathe with his magic permeating the air. Charlie was the Immortal Enforcer. His title wasn’t an understatement. “June will be far safer with me. Not to mention, if it is June they were after, then she becomes a liability to the safety of the kids, Amelia, Missy and Jennifer.”

“Hang on a hot sec,” Jennifer said, walking over to where we stood. “I know I ain’t Immortal and I don’t sparkle like Edward in Twilight—which is a dang shame, but I can see the ghosts now. Might mean I’m human-ish. Plus, those freak-a-deeks said they wanted the old human-ish woman. June looks like she’s in her twenties. I, on the other hand, look like very well preserved fifty-year-old who may or may not be sixty-five.”

Jennifer was correct. She didn’t glow like Edward in Twilight and I couldn’t recall if it was Lura Belle, Dimple or Jolly Sue who had entered her body through her feet to test out if it would be painful for Gram to enter mybody to go to the Higher Power’s plane, but after the deed had been done Jennifer could see the ghosts. She was also the oldest out of Missy, Amelia and June. However, the Immortal intruders might have been able to recognize June’s true age. I was still mostly convinced it was June they were after, but Jennifer’s points gave me pause.

Shit, shit, shit.

“I’m just sayin’,” Jennifer told us as she reached into her purse and pulled out a bottle of wine. “If June’s stayin’, I’m stayin’.”

Pressing the bridge of my nose, I sighed. I didn’t know what the right call was. Either of the women could be a safety liability here or at the safe house. All of the other Immortals present didn’t seem to know the answer either. On top of that, it dawned on me that Missy wasn’t unscathed by magic. She was the Soul Keeper, after all.

I glanced her way, but Heather shook her head. “Missy is all human,” she said, her expression determined as she took her love’s hand. “Believe me.”

“Besides,” Charlie said. “Missy’s been the Soul Keeper her entire life. I don’t believe she’s the human-ish woman they were searching for.”

Heather gave her girlfriend a reassuring nod. “And if for some reason anymore of those white-eyed freaks come for her, I will do worse than turn them to ash.”

Before I could make up my mind, my daughter piped up.

“J J J J J,” Alana Catherine babbled with a giggle. “J stay!”

I glanced over at Gideon who was holding the chatterbox. He just raised a brow and shrugged. Both Jennifer and June had names that started with the letter J. Was this her way of saying it was one of them?

“Listen to her,” Shitty Ritchie said cryptically. The littledude knew more than he was letting on. I was sure of it. We’d address that shortly.

“Okay,” I said, kind of in disbelief that I was again about to follow the orders of a baby who was backed by a miniature cannibal, but when in Crazy Town it was standard to buy property and stay. “Both June and Jennifer will stay.”

---