Page 35 of Someone Save My Midlife Tonight

“You did, friend,” Tim told her.

“Be right back,” she said, marching out of the house and into the rain.

The explosion that came next rocked the house. When the silence that followed lingered, I worriedCandy Vargo hadn’t survived the blast. It wasn’t until she walked back into the house completely bald, naked and smoldering that I let out the breath I’d been holding.

With his eyes firmly shut, Gideon waved his hand and dressed Candy Vargo. He’d stayed true to her fashion sense and clothed her in a sweatsuit with mismatched socks and tennis shoes that had seen better days. She was still bald, but she was dressed.

“Thanks, corn nut,” she told Gideon. “Them flames got me this time.”

“Candy Vargo,” Gram said, flying over with a horrified expression. “You gotta stop that crap NOW! You got me so worried that I’m losin’ years off my life, which is pretty dang hard to do since I’m dead. Blowin’ yourself up over some potty words makes me think that you could throw yourself to the ground and miss. From here on out, when you mess up, you just say you’re sorry. You hear me? I don’t wanna have to go and cancel your dang birth certificate. Just chaps my bahookey that you’re so mean to yourself.”

Candy Vargo hung her head. No one could get through to her like Gram. That’s what love did to a person. Candy loved Gram something fierce, and Gram loved her right back. I wasn’t sure if Candy ever had a mother. I’d never asked, and she’d never volunteered the information. However, she had a mom now.

“I don’t wanna wear a cute sweater set, pearls and kitten heels,” Candy admitted morosely. “Decided that maimin’ myself would get me out of that.”

“That’s what this is all about?” Gram asked, throwing her hands in the air. “No worries, child. The threat of proper clothes is off the table. You’re doin’ real good with getting’ off the poop words. I’m right proud of you.”

“You are?” Candy asked, peering up at Gram with delight.

“Yeppers! Just keep workin’ on it and quit settin’ yourself on fire. I’m dang tired of that.”

“Will do, Gram,” she promised. “I’ gettin’ kind of tired of it too.”

“We all good here?” I asked the two women.

“We are,” Candy said.

“Great.” I turned my attention back to Shitty Ritche. “Grant my wish.”

Shitty Ritchie fluffed the shock of gray hair that stood straight up on his head for a minute or two while he decided how he wanted to answer me.

“Truth or lies?” he inquired.

I rolled my eyes. “Friends don’t lie to friends.”

He was doubtful about this new information, but seemed to accept it. “It wants me dead.”

“Why?”

Shitty Ritchie stared at me in silence.

Tim chimed in. “Daisy, I believe you need to frame each question as a wish.”

“Right,” I said, twisting my curls in my fingers. Immortal rules and quirks were hard to keep straight. “I wish to know why the Higher Power wants you dead.”

“You have to ask It,” Shitty Ritchie ground out. “I have no tooting, farting, constipated diarrhea idea why that sharty, bad breathed miscreant wants me offed. I’m a great guy.”

“Debatable,” Jennifer mumbled.

While I agreed with her, I was thrilled that Shitty Ritchie hadn’t overheard. If the tiny man didn’t know why he was being hunted, we’d come to a standstill. I wasn’t surewhere to go now.

“Geeetah tooooooooo knooooowah eeeeeach oooootherah,” Jimmy George Carrots insisted.

“Yay!” Alana Catherine shrieked and bounced in Gideon’s arms. “Yesssssssss!”

I looked a Gideon. He looked at me and gave me a lopsided grin.

Welp, it looked like we were all going to get to know each other. It felt like a waste of precious time, but with nowhere else to go… we were going there.

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