Page 38 of Someone Save My Midlife Tonight

“Alana Catherine is half Angel and half Demon as Daisy and I are her parents,” Gideon said, holding the gal in question close. She reached up and grabbed a fistful of his hair while popping her thumb into her mouth. Her eyes grew heavy as Gideon continued to speak. “She’s the future Death Counselor, and it looks likely that she’s a Soul Keeper as well.”

As if on cue, four ghostly skunks wandered into the room and crawled into the dog bed with Donna and Karen. The visual was odd, but at the same time, it was adorable and right.

“Here’s another thing,” Gram shared. “She was able to conjure up the Immortal Book of Law when we was on the Higher Power’s plane. Knew it backwards and forwards. Makes me think she might just be the future Arbitrator between the Darkness and the Light.”

Shitty Ritchie listened intently.

“If she’s lucky,” Gideon said, glancing down at the gorgeous little girl nestled in his arms. “She won’tbe saddled with becoming the future Grim Reaper. I do not wish that on anyone.”

I was startled. That thought had never occurred to me. “I wish to hear what Shitty Ritchie has to say about this,” I said.

Tim quickly jotted down that I’d used up another wish. Shitty Ritchie looked annoyed. I knew he would love to tell me he had no idea what I was talking about, but it was becoming evident that he wanted friends more than he wanted to hide his thoughts and opinions.

“She is like me. Too many gifts that should only belong to one,” he stated tonelessly. “I am very sorry for that. I’m sorry for her.”

“Why? Why are you sorry?” I demanded, feeling unsettled and on the verge of a panic attack. I knew we were getting close to something. I was just terrified that when we got there, I wasn’t going to be able to handle it.

Shitty Ritchie sighed. “Pose it as a wish.”

“I wish to know why you are sorry for Alana Catherine.”

“The Higher Power doesn’t like it when an Immortal is imbued with multiple gifts.”

I had the system down now. “I wish to know why that’s a problem for the Higher Power?”

The little man shrugged. “I suppose It is threatened that there might be those who exist who are more powerful.”

“I wish to know if you believe that’s why the Higher Power has hunted you and wanted Alana Catherine to stay on Its plane,” I said.

“I do,” he replied. “Shitty Ritchie has spent millions of years outsmarting the vile being. I fear that your child will have to do the same.”

That didn’t sound good. At all. Shitty Ritchie had lied earlier. He knew exactly why the Higher Power had it out forhim. Berating him for being dishonest wasn’t going to help. I’d just make sure I left no stone unturned when questioning the little man going forward. I knew that million-year-old habits were hard to break and the turd was trying to protect himself, but the time for the truth was now. Gideon’s eyes had turned from gray-blue to blood red. He was as furious at Shitty Ritchie and at our baby’s potential future as I was.

The time to set the ground rules was now.

“Dude,” I said to Shitty Ritchie in a brook no bullshit tone. “From here on out, you will tell the truth and nothing but. If you don’t, your burgeoning friendships are dead in the water. Period. Give me your word. And so help me, if you lie, you’ll wish the Higher Power had gotten ahold of you.”

Shitty Ritchie got down on his knobby little knees and prostrated himself before me. The tiny man trembled and whimpered. “You have my word,” he swore. “For the first time in my life, I fit in somewhere. In the billions of years I’ve been alive, I have never had this feeling. It’s glorious. In honor of friendship, you have my word.”

I glanced over at Candy Vargo. She gave me a curt nod and a toothpick. She could smell liars. Her nod gave me the courage to believe Shitty Ritchie. It really did take a freaking village. No man or woman was an island. Shitty Ritchie had been an island his entire existence. I knew it was still risky to believe him completely, but the words had been spoken and, with the backup of Candy’s approval, I chose to believe them.

I had a sinking feeling that everything was connected. Shitty Ritchie, the tiny and hopefully former liar, being here was kismet. Jimmy George Carrots going on and on about how the number three was important. I still wasn’t sure why, but we needed to dig deeper on that matter. What made no sense was the unknown Immortals goingafter June… or maybe Jennifer. It was possible that wasn’t connected, but ignoring it could be a deadly mistake.

“The unknown Immortals,” I said to Shitty Ritchie. “You recognized the description. I wish to know what you know about them.”

He got to his feet and did a full five minutes of jazz squares before he spoke. The smile on his face was wide and bizarre. Maybe he felt freer knowing that the lies were over, or maybe he was just insane. “They are the minions of the Higher Power. Your comrade Zander was correct. They are neither Angel nor Demon. They are not regular Immortals like myself either.”

“What the heck is left?” Candy Vargo asked, chomping on her toothpick in confusion.

Shitty Ritchie clamed up again. That wasn’t working for me.

“I wish to know the origin of the minions,” I told him.

I watched him war with himself, then finally give in.

“You’re using up many of your wishes, Angel of Mercy,” he pointed out. “That’s a very spermy thing to do.”

“That’s not a word and doesn’t make any sense.” I rolled my eyes then did a jazz square to challenge the dude with the crappy attitude. It was possible by changing up the game I’d get what I wanted, or I’d just look like an ass. It was fifty-fifty odds.

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