Page 41 of Someone Save My Midlife Tonight

The tiny turd stayed under the couch as he spoke. “Shitty Ritchie asked why you think putting the seer back together will help?”

“Jimmy George Carrots is a seer?” I questioned.

Shitty Ritchie rolled his eyes and nodded. “Of course, he’s a seer. Anyone can see that.”

I looked around at everyone else. They were as surprised as I was. The only one who wasn’t surprised was Jimmy George Carrots himself. He smiled serenely and nodded.

“Tim,” I instructed as my insides tingled. “Define seer for me, please.”

“On it,” Tim said, grabbing his phone and looking it up. “I do know what a seer is, but let’s go to the technical definition.” It only took him thirty seconds to find what I’d requested. “A seer is a person who is able to see what the future holds through supernatural insight—an expert so to speak on what is to come.”

“BINGO,” I shouted, making everyone in the room jump. “We need to put Jimmy George Carrots, our resident seer, back together and then… I’m doing a mind dive. Part one of the mission, find his legs and his arm.” I held up the tube of superglue that I’d shoved into my pocket. “It’s time for some deceased surgery.”

“Have you lost your ball-eatin’ marbles?” Candy Vargo asked.

“Absolutely,” I confirmed. “Let’s do this.”

Without another word, we split up to search for Jimmy George Carrots’ appendages.

We were moving forward. I hoped…

CHAPTER TEN

It took lessthan an hour to find the appendages. Shitty Ritchie had been the hero, much to his delight. He’d found Jimmy George Carrots’ arm in the trailer and his legs in the half-bath off the kitchen. I had no idea why Jimmy George Carrots had been in the bathroom since the dead didn’t have bodily functions, but was too polite to ask.

My assumption that Shitty Ritchie might have the gift of a Death Counselor was further confirmed when he was able to touch and carry the arm and legs without them going through his hands. The legs were three times his size, but the dead didn’t weigh much. The tiny turd handled it like a pro.

“Alrighty then, doc Daisy,” Candy Vargo said, staring at the body parts on the coffee table. “Put that boy back together.”

“On it,” I replied.

Reattaching the arm was a piece of cake. His legs were a little trickier. The seer apparently didn’t believe in underpants, and avoiding his dangling ghostly junk while gluing his legs back on was awkwardly problematic. A deceased person, from my experience, tended to come back as a ghost in what theywere wearing when they died. Jimmy George Carrots had not been sporting undies when he’d passed. Repeatedly reminding myself that body parts were natural and beautiful got me through it without laughing. Embarrassing the sweet ghost wasn’t going to happen. Even Gideon was amused that I was trying hard to be respectful to the specter’s privates.

“We’re done,” I told the ghost. My relief that I hadn’t touched his junk was palpable.

“Thaaaaaankah youuuuuuah, Daaaiissssssyah” Jimmy George Carrots said. He tried out his legs and arm. They were in perfect working order.

“You’re most welcome,” I replied with a smile. The man was lovely and so polite.

I was still amazed that all the tendons worked on the dead after I’d glued their parts back on. Delving too deep into that made me feel nuttier than I already was. Accepting the unbelievable had become part of my everyday life. I was just happy he was pleased. He took off and flew around the great room like he’d just ingested a twelve-pack of caffeinated soda and some speed.

“Jimmy George Carrots,” I said, gently grabbing him as he darted by. Pulling him out of the air without undoing my handywork was risky, but I had more superglue if necessary. I’d purposely grabbed his arm on the off chance it detached again. His legs were off limits. I’d had enough of his bare nether regions. “I’d like your permission to visit you in your mind so we can talk. Does that work for you?”

“Yeeeesssssssah, Daaaiissssssyah,” he replied warmly.

“Yay!” Alana Catherine chirped from Gideon’s arms. “Yesssssss!”

“Stamp of approval from our miracle,” Gideon said, kissing her chubby cheek.

It was interesting what our daughter chose to chime in on. It felt as if it was only when we were trying to decode the puzzle. If that was the case, she was even more gifted than we already believed. Grain of salt since I was her mother, but I thought she was the most brilliant baby in the Universe.

“How long do you think you’ll be out, friend,” Tim asked.

I shrugged. “I don’t know. Hopefully, no more than a day.”

It was crazy how time didn’t line up on the different planes, but magic wasn’t linear. Hell, nothing about the Immortal world followed a straight path. I was getting more used to it, but I’d probably need a few centuries under my belt to find it normal.

“Not to worry, Daisy,” Jennifer assured me. “All us sparkly people have it covered. And while you’re gone, I might register with that DNA thingie to find who my pappy was. I’m thinkin’ it might be Marlon Brando. That would just tickle me pink… and sparkly!”

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