Page 47 of Someone Save My Midlife Tonight

“I helped, sharthole,” Candy Vargo said.

“No,” Heather corrected her. “You actually were a massive pain in the ass.”

“Thank you, corn nugget,” Candy said.

Heather threw her hands in the air in surrender. “I give up,” she muttered.

Tim walked over and sat on the other side of me. “Are you feeling well enough to talk about what was discussed between you and Jimmy George Carrots?” He handed me a glass of water that I gratefully accepted.

“Oh my God,” I choked out, spilling the water all over him. “It was Jimmy George Carrots. I dove into Jimmy George Carrots’ mind.”

Now, everyone was concerned. Hell, I was concerned. Back in the day when I’d first mind-dived, it took me a long time to recover—close to a week. Now? I simply came back tired and was back to myself within minutes. Today? Not so much.

“Where is Jimmy George Carrots?” I asked.

Before anyone could answer, Gram swooped into the room and landed on my lap. She gave Alana Catherine a quick kiss on the cheek, then gave one to me. “Daisy girl, you need to come on outside. It’s time.”

She didn’t have to explain. I knew what she meant. Jimmy George Carrots had accomplished what he’d stuck around to do, and now it was time for him to go. The terrifying part was that I couldn’t recall our conversation. I needed to get to my silly friend and ask him before he disappeared.

I practically levitated off the couch in my hurry to get to Jimmy George Carrots. My panic attack was so close I couldtaste it. “Gotta go,” I said, carrying my giggling baby like a football and using my other hand to block tackles. I literally knocked Shitty Ritchie into a planter. Whatever. The dude had blown up my house. I’d apologize later. It was fourth down with three seconds to go, and I needed a Hail Mary to win.

I burst through the front door and then froze. When I saw Jimmy George Carrots in the yard, everything came roaring back in technicolor. If I thought I was about to have a panic attack because I couldn’t remember, it was tenfold now that I could. I pressed my back against the wall of the porch as my knees buckled. With my baby safely cradled in my arms, I slowly slid down the wall to the ground.

What I wanted to do—needed to do—was pack and get the hell out of Dodge. I needed to gather Gideon, Alana Catherine and Shitty Ritchie. We had to move to a safe house before the Higher Power sent Its zombies. As I was about to announce our immediate departure at the top of my lungs, my child cupped my face in both of her gorgeous chubby, and slightly sticky hands.

“Mamamamama,” she babbled, pulling my head down so we were eye to eye. “Is okay. Carrots bye, bye, bye. Is okay. Say bye, bye, bye.”

I blinked and then I blinked again. Her words made me think of the NSYNC song—Bye Bye Bye. It was ironically apropos. I felt like a puppet on a string that was being manipulated by the Higher Power. I didn’t like it, and neither did the dudes from NSYNC. I was pretty sure they got away from the psycho by the end of the video. I needed to do the same.

“Mamamama,” Alana Catherine insisted. “Lissen. Carrots. Bye, bye, bye.”

Jerking my mind out of boy band land, I focused on what my daughter was trying to tell me. In my heart,I already knew. I was the Death Counselor. This was part of my journey with the dead. In Jimmy George Carrot’s case, I hadn’t helped him, but he had helped me. He had given me a precious gift that could never be repaid. It was my duty and my honor to see him off peacefully.

I looked up at the seer and smiled. I got to my feet and walked out into the yard. He was no longer a decaying corpse of a man. An ethereal and blinding golden glow surrounded him. It was no surprise that Jimmy George Carrots aka Ted was destined for the Light. His goodness was clear. I watched as his body was restored to what it had been before he’d passed. He was adorable.

“Daisy,” he said, his lovely smile shining bright. “Remember that I wish you love, luck and millions of years of happiness. You will find all that and more as long as your eyes are wide open and you lead with your heart.”

“Thank you, Jimmy George Carrots. Thank you for everything.”

“The pleasure was all mine, child.”

As he began to fade into the Light, I knew I would never see him again. It was both sad and beautiful. Alana Catherine reached her small hand out, and I walked her closer to the golden glow surrounding our silly friend as he faded away for good.

“Ohhhhhhhhhhh,” Alana Catherine squealed as she touched the Light.

I joined her. It was warm and inviting—felt like silky liquid. My baby waved bye, bye, bye to the ghost and he waved back. Her delighted giggle made the moment even more magical. We waited until Jimmy George Carrots was completely gone before I turned away.

I would be no one’s puppet on a string. I am Daisy LeighAmara Jones. I am the Death Counselor. I am the Angel of Mercy. I’m a mother, a wife, a sister and a friend. I was not going to be the Higher Power’s bitch.

Not today.

Not ever.

CHAPTER TWELVE

We gatheredin the great room. Everyone was present—Charlie and June, Jennifer, Heather, Tim, Candy Vargo, Zander, Catriona, Gideon, Alana Catherine, Gram and Mr. Jackson, Shitty Ritchie and me. The only person missing was Jimmy George Carrots. I felt his absence keenly, but was comforted by the knowledge that he was finally at rest. He’d done me a solid, and I’d return the favor by making him proud.

The real highlight of the morning was that June had made her famous peanut butter cookies. I’d helped myself to six already and was aiming to make it ten. Candy Vargo was covered in cookie crumbs. She was going at the plate like she hadn’t eaten in a decade. I didn’t blame her. June’s cookies were that damned good.

---