Page 49 of Someone Save My Midlife Tonight

“I’d like to announce that I’m moving to Georgia,” Shitty Ritchie informed the group. “If anyone happens to know of an open cave that I could squat in, I’d be ever so grateful.”

“For the love of everything farkin’ pathetic,” Candy Vargo grunted. “You can live in my guest house. But lemme tell you somethin’ now, nard. If you behave like a spoiled little trash tornado, I’ll tan your ugly bahookey until there’s nothin’ left of it. We clear on that, corn boob?”

“Very!” Shitty Ritchie screamed. “It’s thrilling!”

“Yeah, yeah,” Candy said with an eye roll. “I got kids. I’m a ball-eatin’ mom. And I don’t give a testicle if you like me, but you’re gonna be sweet with my kids. I’m a neurotic, helicopter, Karen parent. If you don’t like it, you can lump it. I’ll be bossin’ your bahookey too.”

“Oh my God!” Shitty Ritchie shouted as he bounced with excitement. “My therapist is going to make so much money off me this year!”

If he was the future of the Immortals, we were in trouble. I didn’t have the heart to tell him he was going to continue to live in hiding and not with Candy Vargo, but I’d get to that shortly. However, if he lived with Gideon and me for a few centuries, we could knock some sense and manners into the tiny dude… or we could try.

“Is everyone ready?” I asked.

“Born that way, mothersharter,” Candy answered.

Tim had his notebook out and he was ready to take notes. I wasn’t quite as ready, but there was no time like the present to freak the fuck out of everyone.

“Okay, here we go…” I said, then proceeded to lay it out.

It took all of an hour to share the entire encounter since there were so many questions. Gideon had gone completely silent when he learned of Alana Catherine’s true calling. He didn’t like it. Neither did I, but it was her destiny.

The people closest to me were silent and contemplative. I’d just unloaded information that would change the order of how the Immortals had existed for millions of years. The smart thing to do would be to alert the Goddesses of the Darkness about what was going to happen, but since we most likely had hundreds of years to get used to the idea, we could wait. If anyone fought us on it, I would destroy them. My daughter was my priority. Period.

“I’m still not satisfied as to why the Higher Power sent zombies after June,” Charlie said. His voice was tight, and he was holding back his magic with effort.

“Or me,” Jennifer reminded us.

I shook my head. “The only guess I can make is that it was leverage for a trade,” I replied.

Charlie nodded. It was jerky and terse. I didn’t blame him. His love for June was absolute, just like my love for Alana Catherine. He stood up and motioned to both of the women in question. “Stand over there,” he instructed, pointing to the archway in the kitchen. “With your backs to me, please walk across the room.”

I knew what he was doing. He was checking for footprints. Only Immortals had footprints, so tospeak. If either June of Jennifer had them, the plot would change dramatically.

June and Jennifer did as asked. Charlie examined the ground they walked with scientific precision. I didn’t see anything, but Charlie was far more experienced than me.

“Nothing” he said with a sigh of relief. “Neither June nor Jennifer has a footprint. As much as it disgusts me, and it does disgust me, I believe that Daisy’s assumption that the Higher Power was going to take a hostage was correct.”

“Can’t believe I’m gonna say this considering every shartin’ thing that could go wrong… like the entire corn ballin’ world comin’ to an end, but I do believe it’s time for a change,” Candy Vargo said. “Little concerned that the magical nard is gonna be in charge though.”

“Word,” Heather said, shaking her head. “I’ll take things that will give me nightmares for centuries for two hundred, Alex.”

Shitty Ritchie was positively elated. Although, he was far more into the part about offing the Higher Power when the third of the trinity revealed itself than the fact that he would become part of the new and improved Higher Power.

Candy Vargo turned to Gram and pre-gamed her apology. “Gram, I’m about to cuss. If I don’t, I’m gonna pull a Shitty Ritchie and knock the house down. We cool?”

“Darlin’, you go right ahead. My knickers are in such a knot right now, I feel like droppin’ a few f-bombs myself.”

Candy walked over to the fireplace, stepped up onto the hearth, and inhaled deeply. She put a few toothpicks into her mouth and was ready to roll. “Motherfucker, shit, damn, son-of-a-bitch, fuckwit, shitstain, twat, shithole, fucker, fucker, fuck, fuck, fuck!” she bellowed.

We waited for more. She didn’t disappoint. The diatribe went on for a good ten minutes. Gram floated over to AlanaCatherine and put her ghostly hands over her ears. I wasn’t sure it helped, but the gesture was appreciated.

When Candy was finished, she stepped off the hearth and sat down on the couch. She petted my dogs like nothing had happened.

“You feel better?” Heather asked Candy with a grin.

“Much, corn nut,” Candy Vargo told her. “While I’m gettin’ used to using more socially acceptable language like testicles and bahookey, sometimes a girl has to do what a girl has to do. I figure that a few poop words thrown out into the world is a better option than mass destruction.”

“Few might be exaggerating a bit,” Jennifer said with a laugh. “But I think the world’s a better place with a couple of Candy Vargo f-bombs in it.”

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