Page 52 of Someone Save My Midlife Tonight

“Bingo, corn hole,” Candy said. “All you shart stains think about Tom Hanks.”

“Loved him inBig!” Shitty Ritchie gushed.

The time for chit chat was over. I scanned the room. Heather held Alana Catherine in her arms. Catriona was at her side with Shitty Ritchie on her lap. Both of the women were armed and very dangerous. That was outstanding. June and Jennifer were with them.

Jennifer had an open laptop in her hands. She was waiting for news on her pappy. Since we weren’t leaving just yet, maybe I’d get to find out the name of her mysterious father. I’d make that my goal, along with keeping my loved ones safe and staying alive.

Having goals was good. Reaching them was better.

There were ten.Ten zombies. They didn’t look like the zombies from TV or the movies. The only reason that zombie was the correct term to use was because they’d been risen from the dead. All ten looked mostly human.

There were six of us. It wasn’t bad odds. We’d faced far worse and came out on top. My entire yard looked like a gutted-out war zone. Again, I was glad we lived in the middle of nowhere, far from the populated town. The chance of the cops showing up was slim.

The craters were deep, and most of the trees had been uprooted. Small fires smoldered and the air was thick with smoke. The scent wafting surrounding us was rancid. The light breeze carried the scent directly to us. It smelled of dead and decaying bodies, which shouldn’t have been much of a surprise considering the enemy. The Higher Power was a sick and evil person. Reanimating the dead was atrocious. A small part of me felt sorry for the bodies standing in front of us. They’d had no say in this. They were being used.

I reminded myself that they were no longer human. Ending them wasn’t taking a life. They were already dead. For all I knew, their souls had gone into the Light. They might have been wonderful in their human lives. But now? Now, they were not wonderful. They were killing machines created by someone who should not be in charge. Someday, that would change. Today would not be that day. Today, we had to end the madness that wanted to end us.

“Those are some ugly bitches,” Candy Vargo whispered as we stood on the front porch andeyed the enemy.

The explosions had stopped, and they weren’t advancing. Tim and Zander had not joined us yet. They would wait for the right time. Each Immortal present was well-versed in battle. I stood between Candy Vargo and Gideon. Charlie was to Gideon’s right. We were a formidable group, but the zombies showed no fear. They’d probably been programmed that way.

“Agreed,” Gideon said. “And we’re about to put them out of their and our misery.”

“Hell to the yes,” Candy grunted.

The zombies stood shoulder to shoulder in my front yard. They looked exactly as described by Zander and Catriona. Their eyes were milky white and soulless. It was disturbing. Each was bald and each was toothless. They didn’t resemble cadavers, but they didn’t appear to have many human qualities left either. The Higher Power had chosen men—all men. They were large in stature and muscular.

One stepped forward.

“You think that’s the leader?” Candy questioned quietly.

“Doubtful,” Charlie answered. “The Higher Power is too smart to play that way. It knows that Zander and Catriona defeated Its minions recently. The jig is up on how they work. We’re going to have to end them by process of elimination.”

“Why aren’t they coming for us?” I asked, tightening my hand on the gun in my pocket. The air was calm but filled with impending menace.

Gideon answered without taking his eyes off the prize. “I surmise it will go as before. They will state their request. We’ll say, fuck you and then they die.”

My brows shot up. “That was succinct.”

“I’m good like that,” he replied.

“Give us the child and the tiny one. We know they are inthe house,” the zombie bellowed. His robotic voice rocked the earth beneath his feet, and several more trees fell. “We don’t want to kill you. No violence is necessary. The choice is yours.”

“Lemme tell you somethin’, fucker,” Candy Vargo shouted with two toothpicks hanging out of her mouth. “You shits ain’t gettin’ nobody. You fucked up the dang yard. Looks like hell. Gonna take me a fuckn’ week to get this back in shape and that pisses me the fuck off. I got shit to do and cleanin’ up after a bunch of sorry lookin’ turd stains ain’t on the agenda. I’m gonna suggest to take your dead zombie-assed carcasses back to the shithole you crawled out of and tell the Higher Power to fuck Itself. Choice is yours, dickholes.”

That was when everything went to Hell. Fast.

The battle started before I’d had time to digest Candy’s profane monologue. Pissing off zombies wasn’t for the lighthearted.

“Go, go, go!” Charlie commanded as he dove off the porch and charged the zombies.

He didn’t have to ask twice. We were right behind him. Zander and Tim joined the fray and the bloodbath commenced. I fought like my life depended on it… because it did. They were unlike any enemy we’d come up against. The lack of fear they possessed made them practically invincible.

“Shit,” I hissed as the razor-sharp blade of a sword sliced a deep wound in my arm. I knew it would heal, and I had another arm. As the blood spurted, I went for my gun with my good hand. I’d tried magic multiple times and had failed. Daggers didn’t affect them. Maybe a conventional weapon would do the trick. It was worth a try. I unloaded a full clip on the sword-wielding freak and barely did a lick of damage.

“Motherfucker,” Candy growled. She wasglowing bright orange and fighting a zombie hand-to-hand. She was winning, but just by a hair.

“Find the leader,” Zander shouted as he too was grappling hand-to-hand with another zombie. The zombie had lost an arm and a leg and still fought like a rabid dog.

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