Page 56 of Someone Save My Midlife Tonight

We all looked at her.

“Remember when Tim said he donated some little swimmers about sixtyish years back?”

“Yes,” I said, feeling weird and wonky.

“Well, it’s lookin’ like Jennifer’s bitch of a momma paid a visit to that there sperm bank to get herself knocked up. Says right here in black and white that Tim’s her pappy.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Heather screamed.

“Do I fuckin’ look like I’m fuckin’ kidding you, assface?” Candy Vargo shot back, pulling a sharp jeweled dagger from her belt and handing it to Heather. “Slit her open. I’ll take care of Tim. You start cuttin’ on my word.”

Heather nodded and held the dagger poised above Jennifer’s alreadybleeding chest.

Tim was speechless, but ripped off his mail uniform jacket and shirt with haste. “Jennifer’s my daughter. Jennifer’s my daughter.” Tears flowed down his face. He was devastated and thrilled. “Jennifer’s my beautiful daughter. I love my daughter.”

“Mazel tov, cake hole. Now, shut it, so I can work,” Candy Vargo snapped. “And I don’t need ya nekkid. I just need your wrists, jackass.”

Without hesitation, Tim offered Candy both of his wrists.

I had no clue what was about to happen, but it wasn’t going to be pretty. However, I wasn’t moving. I might be needed. I’d slit my wrists for Jennifer any day of the week. I didn’t think I could gut her, but it was looking like Heather was up for the job.

Shitty Ritchie and Alana Catherine began to glow. They both looked like ethereal rainbows. Tendrils of their magic filled the air and danced on the breeze.

“Keep that up, kids,” Candy Vargo instructed. “Okay, Heather, on three… You’re gonna slice her from collarbone to belly button. Tim, I’m gonna slit your wrists like they ain’t never been slit. With the left hand, you feed Jennifer your blood.”

“And the right?” he asked.

“You're gonna punch it right into the hole Heather’s about to cut.”

Tim nodded. Heather nodded. I almost puked in my mouth.

“Charlie,” Candy said. “Get your ass up by Jennifer’s head and make sure Tim’s blood goes down her throat.”

“On it,” Charlie said.

“Gideon, light your ass on fire. It’s about to get real fuckin’ cold here and we need to keep Jennifer warm.”

Gideon immediately went up in flames. He got closeenough to keep everyone warm but was far enough not to set anyone else on fire.

“Zander and Catriona, need y’all to patrol the grounds and make sure none of them fuckin’ zombies come back.”

They exited immediately.

“What about me?” I asked. “What can I do?”

Candy leveled me with a look. “Hope and pray that this works, Angel of Mercy. Otherwise, Jennifer’s gonna join Gram and the ghosts.” Candy paused for only a moment, then got back to business. “One. Two. Three.”

It all happened so fast, I wasn’t sure I’d even seen it. Heather cut Jennifer from top to bottom with no hesitation. Tim’s hands were barely attached to his body after Candy made her cuts. He immediately shoved one hand into Jennifer’s open body and his other wrist into her mouth. Charlie held Tim’s hand steady so the blood wouldn’t be wasted and gently massaged Jennifer’s throat so it would go down.

Candy had been correct. The temperature dropped dramatically. Gideon stepped a little closer and kept everyone warm. I’d seen some stuff in my time, but nothing as harrowing as this. I prayed hard just like Candy had told me to, but I wasn’t sure who would get the message. I hoped it was the universe and not the Higher Power.

After what felt like a year, but in reality, was only a few minutes, Candy announced we were done. Jennifer still wasn’t moving. With a wave of her hands and a few lines of a melodic and ancient chant, Candy Vargo closed the wounds on Jennifer’s body. Tim healed up fast and gently pulled Jennifer back into his arms. He kept kissing her hair and whispering to her. It was tragic.

The temperature went back to normal and Gideon joined me along with Alana Catherine andShitty Ritchie.

“What happens now?” I asked.

Candy shook her head and picked her ear with the toothpick that had been in her mouth. “We wait.”

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