Page 34 of Someone Save My Midlife Tonight

“What in the actual…” Candy muttered.

“I think he’s got a butt thing goin’ on,”Jennifer whispered. “Go on, Candy. Zap that ass again. It’s the first time I’ve seen that tiny booger happy.”

“Whatever,” Candy Vargo grumbled as she shot a second bolt of electricity at Shitty Ritchie’s rear end.

We stood in shocked silence and watched as he performed jazz squares along with a few leaps until the fire on his backside was extinguished.

“I’m old—like really old,” Gideon stated flatly. “Never in my years have I witnessed anything as disturbing as that.”

“Word,” Heather agreed.

“Invigorating,” Shitty Ritchie shouted as he swatted out any smoldering embers left on his blue sweatpants.

Miraculously, there wasn’t a big hole in the back of his pants. Seeing his bare bahookey wasn’t on my list of things to do today or ever. However, since the man was in good spirits, I decided to go for it.

“So,” I said casually as I walked back into the great room. “Iwishthat you would share why you hate the Higher Power.”

“Youwish?” he inquired, raising a tiny brow that was definitely in need of some grooming.

“I do,” I replied. “Iwish.”

He sighed dramatically and plopped down on the floor. “You only get seven hundred and seventy-seven,” he informed me.

“Seven hundred and seventy-seven what?” I asked.

“Wishes,” he grunted. “After that you must pay.”

“Works for me,” I told the little guy and sat down on the floor in front of him.

“I’ll keep track,” Tim assured me, holding up his notebook. “Oh, Shitty Ritchie, what is the price if Daisy happens to go over the magic number?”

Shitty Ritchie shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe a spanking.”

I swallowed my horrified laugh with effort. Candy Vargo did not.

“That there little turd knocker has some titanic testies and an industrial strength bahookey,” she said.

“Thank you,” Shitty Ritchie replied.

“Welcome,” Candy shot back.

The conversation had gone slightly off the rails, but no one had died. I considered that a win.

“Can you grant my wish?” I asked him. “And don’t resort to your catch phrase, please. We’ve been very kind so far. I mean, we don’t usually set people’s asses on fire… multiple times.”

Shitty Ritchie took in my words and considered them carefully. “Is that because I’m your friend now?”

I looked around for help. I wasn’t getting any. “Umm… yes. Sure.” I shrugged. “Although I’d have to say, conditional friend… for now.”

His blue eyes narrowed. “Define conditional.”

I leveled him with a hard gaze. “You can’t blow stuff up or we won’t be friends. You can’t harm any of us, and for the love of everything disgusting, you can’t eat humans anymore.”

“What in the actual fuck did you just say?” Candy Vargo shouted. “That little shit stain eats humans?”

“I used to,” Shitty Ritchie squeaked in a pitch that it made my brain hurt. “AND I didn’t know it was wrong! Living in a cave for seventy million or so years can do that to a fella.”

Candy Vargo drummed her fingers over her lips. “Did I just say fuck and shit stain?”

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