Page 3 of Love, Accidentally

‘Yes, thank you for coming over.’

‘No problem.’ She turns to the patient. ‘Maurice, I wish you all the best with your recovery. Whatever happens, don’t have sex or attempt sex for at least four weeks. That includes masturbation, do you understand? And if you have the urge to experiment with cock rings again, do us all a favour and buy one that’s designed for the job from a shop, will you?’

‘Yes, thank you,’ he replies meekly, but she’s through the curtain and heading back towards Majors before he even stops speaking.

‘Total waste of my fucking time,’ she hisses as we cross the waiting room, and I’m aware of a few ears pricking up. ‘I do this job to help genuinely sick people, not DIY perverts.’

‘I expect he’s learned a valuable lesson,’ I whisper back. ‘And it did give me an opportunity to practise some skills I haven’t used in a while.’

‘Hm. Shame you didn’t slip and chop his cock off. People like that don’t deserve to be put in charge of such a delicate organ.’

‘I’m not sure the claims department would agree with you,’ I tell her with a smile. ‘Plus, you know how much everyone loves a good sexual injury story, and that was a cracker. I’d put it up there with the woman who came in with a hen’s egg up her vagina.’

Dr Patel smiles grimly. ‘Bloody Gwyneth Paltrow has a lot to answer for. Do you remember the poor woman who tried to copy the vaginal steaming routine using her kettle? If there’s one part of the body you don’t want cooked medium to well done, it’s that. That was nice work on Maurice, by the way. Well done, Tilly.’

I smile back at her. At moments like this, I truly love my job.

2

I’ve known I wanted to be a nurse since I was a teenager, but I never expected to end up working in A&E. I always imagined myself on a ward, chatting jovially with patients as I adjusted their drips or helped them with their medication. However, we were expected to work in a variety of roles as part of the training and I found myself drawn to the cut and thrust of A&E, even though the schedule of twelve-hour day and night shifts is punishing. The other surprise is that Natasha, my younger sister, ended up following me into nursing and works in the Paediatric department of the same hospital in Tunbridge Wells. Neither of our parents have any connection to the medical world and my father is positively hospital-phobic, so they find it particularly strange that both their children are nurses.

As predicted, the Maurice Minor story made its way around the entire department by the end of my shift, and there are still a few giggles as we prepare for our briefing the following morning. Five minutes into the briefing, a man bursts in, looking rattled.

‘Ah, Dr Milne,’ Dr Patel says dryly. ‘Nice of you to join us. We start at eight, for future information.’

‘I’m so sorry I’m late,’ he tells her. ‘I couldn’t find anywhere to park.’

Uh-oh, I think to myself. One of the many things you learn quickly about Dr Patel is that she has no time for excuses.

‘That must have been very trying for you,’ she tells him, the note of sarcasm in her voice as big a warning signal as a rattlesnake shaking its tail. ‘Parking is always a challenge at any hospital, and yet we all seem to have managed it. Might I suggest you allow more time in future?’

He opens his mouth to speak, but the expression on her face evidently makes him think better of it, and he ends up nodding mutely.

‘Right,’ Dr Patel says, having made sure that the new arrival has got the message. ‘Please continue, Dr Kozlov.’

‘As I was saying,’ Dr Kozlov, the consultant from the previous night shift, says with a heavy sigh, looking pointedly at a blushing Dr Milne, ‘bay five has Mr Jones, who has complex fractures of the femur, having been involved in a road traffic accident in which his motorbike collided with a car just after midnight last night. He’s stable, and we’re keeping him comfortable until theatre are ready for him. No obvious complications, he’s a lucky man, but we’re keeping him under close observation just in case. No evidence of concussion or other head injury. He does have considerable bruising of the torso and two fractured ribs, but these are to be expected. Any questions before we move on?’

The meeting continues in much the same vein as Dr Kozlov takes us through each patient currently in Majors. Once he’s finished, he stands aside to let Dr Patel finish the briefing. Unusually, we haven’t been interrupted by any urgent new arrivals this morning.

‘Everyone, this is Dr Milne,’ she tells us at the end. ‘He’s a junior doctor and it’s his first day with us. Tilly, I’d like you to take him under your wing to begin with, please.’ She turns to Dr Milne. ‘Tilly is one of our senior nurses, so she’ll show you the ropes and get you up to speed. Remember, all medical interventions need to be agreed with me or one of the other duty consultants. I don’t know what it was like where you came from, Dr Milne, but we operate a tight ship. Any questions from anyone?’ She looks around the room. ‘Good. Why are you all still here then?’

As the others file out to begin their shift, I take a moment to study our new arrival, and I’ll admit to liking what I see very much. He’s dressed in the standard uniform for junior doctors, but I can’t help noticing his strong-looking forearms. His dark wavy hair is shiny, making me suspect there’s some kind of product in it, and his brown eyes sparkle with humour. Having him under my wing for the day is going to be very pleasant.

‘Welcome to the department, Dr Milne,’ I tell him, holding out my hand. ‘I’m Tilly.’

‘Delighted to meet you, Tilly,’ he replies, gripping my hand with just the right amount of strength. ‘Please call me Luke.’

I smile. ‘I can call you Luke in here, but Dr Patel will haul me over the coals if she hears anything so informal in front of the patients.’

‘Is she always that terrifying?’

‘I wouldn’t call her terrifying, exactly. If you do everything she says and don’t upset her, she’s a pussycat.’

‘Hmm. I’ll take your word for it.’

‘Shall we go and see some patients then?’

* * *

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