Page 35 of Love, Accidentally

‘Typical narcissist behaviour from an only child,’ Mike pronounces later that night when I’ve recounted the story to him and Sarah. Dinner with Tash and Greg has buoyed me back up a little, and I’m now enjoying the calming effects of a glass of wine. ‘I always thought there was something shifty about him.’

‘OK. One, you’ve never actually met him.’

‘So? I have your descriptions to work with, and Lena was very clear she didn’t like him.’

‘Lena is hardly someone whose judgement I trust with this kind of thing.’

‘Fair enough. I did warn you about him being an only child though.’

‘Which brings me on to my second point. He’s not an only child. He has a brother.’

‘What?’

‘Yup. How does that fit into your theory?’

‘Older or younger?’

‘Older, why?’

‘Could still work. Younger sons are often mollycoddled, nobody coming up behind them to steal their crown. Similar deal to being an only child in some ways.’

‘You’re reaching now,’ Sarah tells him, tucking her feet under her on the sofa as she takes a sip from her glass. ‘Quite apart from the fact that you’re the youngest child yourself, my younger brother is a total sweetie. He certainly wouldn’t pull the kind of stunt Luke has, because he knows Mum and I would be down on him like a ton of bricks if he did.’

‘Ah, but you’re looking at a matriarchal household. Totally different set-up.’

‘So let me get this clear,’ Sarah says slowly. ‘You’re now expanding your frankly weird only child obsession to include youngest sons, but only where there aren’t older sisters to keep them in line? Getting seriously tenuous, isn’t it?’

‘You just wait. When I publish?—’

‘Yeah, yeah.’ She cuts him off, rolling her eyes at me. ‘I do love him, but how you put up with this is beyond me.’

I’m starting to understand how people must feel when they’ve been totally cut off from the world and emerge to find that everything has changed. So far today, I’ve learned that my supposed boyfriend isn’t at all who he said he was, my sister is becoming weirdly maternal and now Mike’s girlfriend has just mentioned that she loves him, and he hasn’t even flinched. Normally, the merest hint of the ‘L’ word would have him running for the hills.

‘Are you all right, Tilly?’ Sarah asks. ‘You look like you’ve just seen a ghost.’

‘I’m fine,’ I tell her, plastering on a smile. ‘I guess today has just been a lot.’

‘What would you do, if you were the wife?’ Mike asks Sarah, evidently happy to be distracted back on to my problems.

‘Oh, easy. Cut a sleeve off all his shirts, scratch some motivational messages into the paintwork of his car, hide raw prawns in the curtain poles.’

‘Raw prawns?’ I ask.

‘Mm. I read a story about it somewhere. This woman stuffed raw prawns into the hollows of the curtain poles and, of course, they started to smell after a few days. The cheating husband and his new partner tried everything to get rid of it but couldn’t work out where it was coming from. Can you imagine? It must have honked.’

‘Our curtain poles are solid,’ Mike tells her firmly.

‘Oh, don’t worry. I’m sure I could find somewhere to hide them,’ she replies, smiling sweetly. ‘Anyway, you’re not going to do anything to deserve them, are you?’

‘Absolutely not. I may be many things, but I’m not a cheater.’

Sarah looks at me again. ‘I feel so lucky to have landed one of the good ones,’ she says with the merest hint of sarcasm and, to my surprise, this makes me laugh. After the events of today, laughter seems totally inappropriate, but I can’t seem to stop it bubbling out of me as the absurdity of my situation hits home.

‘What’s so funny?’ Mike asks.

‘You,’ I tell him. ‘Don’t get me wrong – you’re one of my best friends and I love you dearly – but I’ve always considered you to be a bit of a bastard where women are concerned and I vowed to keep clear of men like you. Life’s fucking topsy-turvy when you’re actually Saint Mike.’

Mike is looking slightly hurt. ‘I think bastard is a bit strong, Tilly.’

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