Page 42 of Love, Accidentally

‘Ugh. Poor thing. What kind of parent names their child after a doll? Anyway, if Luke and Cindy get divorced, there’s no reason why you and he can’t get together, is there? Cindy obviously isn’t the right person for him, but you might be.’

‘I don’t want anything to do with him.’

‘Oh, you say that now because you’re cross with him. But you liked him well enough before and, once the dust settles…’

‘He tried to gaslight me, Mum! He threw me under the bus at the first sign of trouble.’

‘I admit that wasn’t a very nice thing to do, but you didambushhim, darling. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about men, it’s that they’re unpredictable under pressure.’

‘You can call it unpredictable, but I’d say he showed his true colours. He’s a narcissist, a liar, a serial cheat and a coward. Oddly, if I were to draw up a list of things I want in my future husband, none of those would be on it.’

‘Hm.’

‘What?’

‘It’s just that you’re not getting any younger, Matilda. The pool of eligible men you’re fishing in is getting smaller and smaller with every passing year. You might need to start lowering your standards a little. Yes, he needs some of his rough edges smoothing off, but he’s got a good job and great prospects. Plus, you’ve got a lot in common, both being in the medical field.’

‘I’d rather die a penniless, lonely old spinster than go anywhere near Dr Luke Milne again,’ I tell her firmly.

She sighs. ‘It’s your life. Are you going to stay in contact with his mother, at least?’

‘Why on earth would I want to do that?’

‘She sounds nice, from the way you describe her. She doesn’t play bridge, does she?’

‘I have no idea. Why?’

‘Haven’t I told you? Gloria and I have started playing at a local club. Your father and Andy waste days playing golf, so this is our thing. Anyway, one of the other tables is looking for someone to make up a four, so?—’

‘You’re not inviting my ex-boyfriend’s mother to play bridge with you. That’s just too weird.’

‘No, it isn’t. She might be lonely if she’s on her own all the time. This would get her out of the house and give her the opportunity to make new friends. Did I mention that it’s women only? Strictly no men allowed.’

‘I’ve only met her twice, but I’m pretty sure you couldn’t use the word lonely to describe Richenda. She’s a force of nature. Also, you’re so transparent that I can plainly see what you’re up to, and I’m not having it.’

‘I’m not up to anything, darling.’ She takes a sip of tea and looks at me innocently.

‘Mmm-hmm? So you’re not planning to befriend her and then concoct some plan to get me and Luke back together? I wasn’t born yesterday, Mum.’

‘You have a very suspicious mind, Matilda.’

‘That doesn’t mean I’m not right.’

‘Sometimes it’s just about being a good neighbour,’ she says haughtily. Unfortunately for her, she reveals her guilt by stabbing her slice of cake aggressively with her fork, cutting off a much bigger piece than usual. I have to bite my lip to stop myself from laughing as she tries to style it out, lifting it to her mouth and cramming it in before chewing like a hamster. ‘Here’s a question,’ she says once she’s finally swallowed it and evidently come up with a way to change the subject and get the focus off her. ‘How are you going to avoid him when you work together?’

I sigh. ‘I don’t know. I mean, our shift patterns don’t line up that often, but I will still have to see him at work sometimes. I just hope he’ll keep things professional. If he does that, then there won’t be a problem.’

She laughs. ‘Are you seriously telling me you’ll just be able to switch off everything you felt for him and forget everything you’ve done together? From horizontal tango to “I don’t know you”? I can’t see it.’

‘Never, ever use that phrase again.’

‘What, horizontal tango? What would you call it then? The beast with two backs? A bit of rumpy pumpy? I know – hide the sausage.’

‘Dear God, make it stop!’

‘At least I’ve made you smile.’

‘It’s not a smile. I’m gurning in embarrassment. Anyway, to answer the question you asked before you got all weird: I don’t feel anything but disgust for Luke now and the thought of sex with him makes me want to heave, so I don’t think he’s going to be a distraction if he behaves himself. And if he doesn’t, I’ll put a complaint in so fast he won’t know what’s hit him.’

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