Page 46 of Love, Accidentally

‘She’s just a kind person, that’s all.’ Even Jonathan doesn’t look sure though, and if I had to describe his facial expression, the word ‘hunted’ would sum it up best.

‘The official story we’re telling is that Dad had some sort of collapse due to the pressure he’s been under,’ Will tells me. ‘We aren’t mentioning the “S” word, just so you know.’

‘Thank you, Will. Can we change the subject now, please? Tilly, have you had a chance to consider my invitation for lunch one Sunday?’

I was going to say no. Part of me feels I should still say no, really. There aren’t any specific rules about befriending ex-patients, but it doesn’t sit that easily with me. The problem is that I like being around them. Although they have done nothing but riff off each other during my time here, the love between the two men is palpable and I’ve really enjoyed spending time in their company. Before I have a chance to overthink it, I open my mouth.

‘I have,’ I tell him. ‘And I’d love to.’

‘Splendid. We’ll start with roast lamb, I think. Maybe a crumble for pudding now the weather’s turned colder. How about this Sunday? Strike while the iron’s hot?’

‘I can’t this Sunday, I’m afraid. I’m working. I’m free next Sunday though?’

‘It’s a date. I’ll even save you a crossword clue or two.’

Things wrap up fairly quickly after that, and it’s not long before I’m back in my car and turning towards home. It’s only as I leave Paddock Wood behind me that I realise it’s still only been a few hours since the horrible meeting with Luke and, even more strangely, I haven’t thought about him, Cindy or Richenda in the time I’ve spent with Jonathan and Will. At all.

20

‘What an absolute, complete and utter bastard!’ Sarah exclaims when I’ve finished telling her and Mike about my meeting with Luke. ‘I’d cut his balls off and feed them to him on a plate. No. That’s too good for the likes of him. I’d cut his balls off, wipe his arse with them and then make him eat them.’

‘Bloody hell. Remind me never to get on the wrong side of you,’ Mike remarks from his station by the cooker. We’re having spaghetti bolognese tonight but, unsurprisingly, he doesn’t believe in anything as simple as a jar of pasta sauce, so he’s been chopping vegetables and the smell of garlic and onion in the pan is making my mouth water.

‘You’d better believe it,’ she tells him with a smile. ‘Hell hath no fury and all that. The thing that really grips my shit in all of this is that he tried to blame his poor wife for being a bit off sex because she was pregnant with his bloody child! “Sorry about your morning sickness, hun, but I’ve got needs so I’m just going to pop out and shag someone else. You don’t mind, do you?” What a self-entitled wanker.’

‘Technically, if he were a wanker, the problem wouldn’t have arisen,’ I tell her. ‘Cindy did make that point.’

‘I just hope, for her sake, that she found some cathartic and imaginative things to do while she was packing her stuff.’

‘It wouldn’t surprise me. She was understandably furious.’

‘I can’t believe he gaslit you like that either. He deserves a dipping sauce made of fresh vomit to go with his shitty balls for that.’

‘Sarah,’ Mike says. ‘Can we leave off the anatomy and human secretions for a while? I’m trying to create a delicious dinner here and you’re putting me off.’

‘That’s the problem withadminstaff,’ Sarah says with a giggle. ‘No stomach for the nitty-gritty of hospital life.’

‘I heard that.’

‘You were meant to, sweetie.’

‘Do you get a lot of bodily fluids in oncology?’ I ask.

‘Oh, no, but I did a stint in A&E when I was training. I don’t know how you stand it, to be honest.’

‘Arsehole junior doctors aside, I think I like the fact that there’s never a dull moment. You can’t afford to turn your back for a minute without someone vomiting or collapsing.’

‘I’ll stick to oncology, thanks. Nice, regular patients and sensible hours. And, although I joke about Mike’s job, at least our schedules line up so we can spend time together.’

‘That’s true,’ I agree, swallowing the lump that’s suddenly formed in my throat as the realisation that I’m depressingly single once more comes crashing in on me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not missing Luke at all, but I will miss the feeling of being someone’s special person, even though it turned out I wasn’t that special to him after all. It’s having someone to text random thoughts to, or just a warm body to snuggle up with. I think back to some of our late-night text exchanges. At the time I pictured him caring for his mother, but now I realise he was probably doing it while Cindy was asleep and a fresh surge of anger courses through me.

‘I’m going to leave you guys to it,’ I say to Mike and Sarah as I top up my glass and head towards my bedroom. ‘Give me a call when it’s ready.’

‘Will do,’ Mike assures me. ‘Probably another half-hour or so.’

No sooner have I closed the door behind me than the tears start. I’m not even totally sure what they’re for. Anger, certainly, but also desperate sadness. For a while, I genuinely believed that Luke and I were building a connection, but of course it was all lies. He was just feeding me what he thought I wanted to hear to get me into bed. And the worst part of all is that it worked. I bought it and fell for him. What a stupid, naïve thing to do. And I can’t even get away from him because, as my mother and others have been at pains to point out, we still have to work together. And, of course, I’m back on the shelf at the ripe old age of thirty-four, as Mum had no qualms about reminding me this afternoon.

As I wipe my eyes angrily with the sleeve of my sweater and take a large mouthful of wine, I make myself a solemn promise. Whatever happens, Luke Milne and I arenevergoing to be spending more than the bare minimum of time in each other’s company again, and if he so much as tries to pull another gaslighting stunt like he did this afternoon, I may well put some of Sarah’s rather macabre ideas into practice.

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