Page 47 of Love, Accidentally

In an effort to restore some equilibrium, I try to focus on the time I spent with Jonathan and Will, but it’s not working. The conversation with Luke, Cindy and Richenda is now playing on a loop in my head, along with my mother telling me that I’m not getting any younger and I should consider lowering my standards or visiting a sperm bank. I wonder where Cindy is now? Hopefully, she’s being supported by family rather than sitting in a soulless hotel room somewhere contemplating the collapse of her marriage. Maybe she’ll end up giving Luke a third chance. He is the father of her child, after all. Based on her behaviour this afternoon, however, I think that’s unlikely. It’s not my problem, I tell myself firmly. Although I still feel a crushing sense of guilt for my role in all of this, I am starting to see what everyone has been telling me; I didn’t know he was married, and I stopped sleeping with him the moment I found out. I may have been the other woman, but I was never a part of his deception and I never would have been.

God, I really hate him right now. I hate what he’s done to me, and I hate what he’s done to her. Most of all, I hate the way he tried to wriggle out of it. What a coward. I hope I don’t have to work with him for a while, because I can’t see myself having a civil word to say to him right now.

* * *

Of course, fate has other ideas, doesn’t it, and sure enough Luke is there at the start of my next shift. To make things worse, it’s a midweek night shift. Although A&E can never be described as quiet, midweek nights are slower than weekends, which does allow time for more chat. Dr Rogers is our lead consultant tonight and I’m pleased to note that Luke is still a little wary around him after his dressing-down a few months ago, so he seems to be on his best behaviour. On the occasions that he does need to address me, he’s keeping the conversation strictly patient focused, although there’s something in his eyes that still makes me uncomfortable. When my break time comes, I try to sneak out undetected so he won’t follow me. The canteen is closed at this time of night, so there’s only the small staffroom to escape to.

I’ve barely boiled the kettle and opened the Tupperware box containing the sandwiches I made earlier before the door opens and Luke slips in.

‘I thought I’d find you in here,’ he says, sitting down next to me. ‘I think we need to talk, don’t you?’

‘No, I don’t,’ I reply as firmly as I can, given that I’m shaking with nerves suddenly. In an effort to seem nonchalant, I take a bite out of my sandwich, but Mike’s normally delicious home-baked bread suddenly tastes like dust in my mouth. ‘I have nothing to say to you, Luke.’

‘Are you for real?’ To my amazement he actually sounds angry with me. ‘I’ve just left my fucking wife for you, and you suddenly decide you have “nothing to say” to me? I’ve given up everything for you, like you said you wanted. You don’t get to back out now.’

I put the sandwich back in the box and turn to face him.

‘You haven’t left anyone for me, Luke,’ I tell him. ‘I was there, remember? You know, when you accused me of being a fantasist and making everything up.’

‘I was only trying to protect Cindy. She’s pregnant.’

‘With your child. A fact you conveniently forgot to mention when you were sleeping with me. Were you ever going to tell me the truth? Of course you weren’t. You were just using me for sex while your wife was out of action, another thing you mentioned, or have you forgotten?’

‘Again, I only said that to spare Cindy’s feelings. What you and I have is the real deal, Tilly. Yes, I admit I hid the fact I was married from you at the start, but that’s because I never expected to fall for you the way that I did. I wanted to find a way to tell you but there never seemed to be the right moment. I would always have left her for you. You’re the one that I’ve wanted for ages. I was just waiting for the right time to break it to Cindy, but you spared me the effort. I love you, Tilly.’

‘Bullshit. The only person you love is yourself. Anyway, what you want is irrelevant because I would have dumped you like a hot brick the moment I found out you were married. You’ve made me a homewrecker, Luke, and I’ll never forgive you for that.’

‘You’re not a homewrecker. Cindy and I were over ages ago. Sure, we were going through the motions of trying again, but we both knew we were becoming more like brother and sister than husband and wife. You didn’t wreck anything, Tilly. You brought me back to life and showed me what I wanted. I want you. Nothing else and nobody else.’

I laugh humourlessly. ‘A fact you demonstrated so beautifully when you threw me under the bus without a moment’s hesitation. There’s only one fantasist in this room, Luke, and it’s you. For all I know, you might genuinely believe all that crap you’ve just spouted, but there’s just one problem. I don’t believe a word of it and I don’t care. I will work with you because I don’t have a choice, but I won’t socialise with you and I never want you to disturb my breaks again. Do you understand?’

Although there is still plenty of time before I’m due back at work, I’m suddenly anxious to be away from here, so I close the lid on my uneaten sandwich and start to get to my feet.

‘Oh, no, you don’t,’ Luke snarls, his face contorted with ugly rage now. ‘You don’t get to just walk away. You owe me.’

‘I owe you nothing.’

‘If you turn your back on me now, I’ll finish you,’ he continues. ‘Don’t forget I outrank you in this department, and any situation where it’s my word against yours is not going to end well for you.’

‘That’s a chance I’ll have to take.’

‘Everything all right in here?’ Dr Rogers asks. In the intensity of our exchange, neither of us heard him enter.

‘Absolutely,’ Luke tells him, his voice suddenly pure reason and calm. ‘Tilly and I were just straightening out a difference of opinion on patient care.’

‘I’ll remind you, Dr Milne, that break times are supposed to be exactly that.’ Dr Rogers’s voice is stern. ‘If you have a difference of opinion, you will bring it to me during working hours, not threaten senior nurses on their tea breaks. Am I making myself clear?’

‘Yes, Dr Rogers.’ Luke is trying to sound subservient, but his eyes are filled with rage. I can’t believe I was ever taken in by those eyes.

‘Good. The patient in bay three needs your attention. Would you mind?’

Luke pushes back his chair with a scrape and stalks out of the door without looking back but, even though it’s unsaid, I know I haven’t heard the last of this.

‘Are you all right?’ Dr Rogers asks me, sinking gently into the chair that Luke has just vacated. ‘You look rattled, if you don’t mind me saying. If you need extra time, or if you want to file a complaint… I didn’t see or hear that much, but it sounded unpleasant. We don’t tolerate bullying in this hospital.’

‘I’ll be OK, thanks, Dr Rogers,’ I tell him shakily. ‘I don’t think he’ll try something like that again.’

‘Hm,’ is all he says as he levers himself back to his feet. ‘Well, it’s your decision. Enjoy the rest of your break.’

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