Page 63 of Love, Accidentally

‘Good. Am I allowed to say that? I don’t want to sound creepy.’

I laugh with relief. ‘It’s not creepy. Thank you. I just thought I’d make a bit of an effort today, that’s all.’

‘Well, whatever you’ve done, it suits you.’

Despite my reassurance, he’s obviously a little embarrassed by his revelation and an awkward silence descends again while we both study the helicopter.

‘Is that new?’ I ask, pointing out the word ‘Audrey’ painted on the fuselage in bright yellow.

‘Mm. I don’t remember seeing it before,’ he agrees. Why are we suddenly so stilted? Maybe he’s uncomfortable about thinking of his father having other girlfriends, although he didn’t seem that bothered before. Something’s definitely bugging him though.

‘Look. I’m sorry I suggested looking her up,’ I begin. ‘I wasn’t trying to be disrespectful to your mum’s memory.’

He sighs deeply and closes his eyes for a minute, before opening them again and looking at me. His expression is suddenly full of sadness. ‘There’s something I need to talk to you about,’ he says, and a lump forms in my throat. Has he glimpsed the prize, as Sarah put it, and decided he doesn’t want it? Is he gearing himself to let me down gently? I’m so riddled with questions and self-doubt that I almost miss what he says next. ‘Googling Audrey is simple for you, right?’ he asks. ‘Fire up the search engine, enter her name and away you go. Same with reading to Isaac. Open the book and read the words.’

‘That’s pretty much the size of it,’ I agree, unsure where this is going. I thought he was going to say something about me.

‘Yeah. The thing is, it’s not so simple for me. I’m severely dyslexic. Even if I could spell Audrey Carmichael, which I couldn’t, I’d find it nearly impossible to read the results. Isaac could probably read his book more fluently than me too.’

I hear the words and try to fit them with my existing knowledge of him, but they don’t make sense.

‘But you’re a technical content creator,’ I say stupidly after a moment. ‘That’s literally reading and writing, isn’t it?’

‘No. It’s visual. I make videos. I don’t write instruction manuals. Hell, I wouldn’t even be able to read one.’ His voice has a hard edge to it that I’ve never heard before, and I suddenly realise this must be the vulnerability Jonathan warned me about.

‘And all the books you keep quoting? Jane Austen and that poem?’

‘Audiobooks or, in the case ofPride and Prejudice, the TV series. Mum loved it and practically watched it on repeat. I could probably quote the whole script.’

‘Oh, Will. I’m so sorry. I can’t believe I was so crass.’ Now that he’s told me, everything makes sense, and I feel a sudden rush of affection for him. Without thinking, I step forward and wrap my arms tightly around him. After a slightly awkward moment where I think we’re both surprised by what I’ve just done, I feel his arms come up and curl around my back.

‘You didn’t know,’ he says softly. ‘And it’s not something I broadcast. But it’s a big part of my life and, now that you’re part of my life too…’ He tails off. ‘Sorry. That didn’t come out right. I shouldn’t have said that.’

‘No. You absolutely should,’ I tell him, aware of my heart thumping hard in my chest. ‘You must always be honest with me. You’re a part of my life as well.’

‘In that case, can I ask you a question?’ Our arms are still wrapped around each other and, even though we’re both wearing thick coats against the cold, I can feel the warmth coming off him. It’s nice; I feel safe, like I belong here.

‘Of course you can,’ I reply.

He leans back a little so he can look at me. His eyes are sparkling where the sunlight catches them and I’m mesmerised by them. The whole sensation of being in his arms and looking into his open, honest face is stirring up powerful emotions in me. I feel like I never want to let go of him. I just want to stay here forever, in this moment with him.

‘I just figured out what’s different about you. You’re wearing make-up,’ he says.

‘That’s not a question.’

‘How come?’ My eyes are drawn to his mouth as he speaks and I have to resist the urge to reach up and trace the contours of his lips with my finger. ‘Was it for me?’

Shit. How to answer that? ‘I mainly dressed up because my interfering mother practically ordered me to’ isn’t going to strike the right note. Neither is admitting that I was planning to interrogate his father about why he’d been acting strangely and thought looking nice might help which, now I come to think about it, sounds wildly inappropriate. The truth, even if I couldn’t admit it to Sarah and Mike, is that I did do it at least partly for him but, even though I’ve just told him to be honest with me, I’m scared to do the same. Come on, Tilly. What’s the worst that can happen here if I admit that I’m developing feelings for him? Total humiliation, of course. The gentle let-down, followed by me running from this shed, through the house, and driving home in floods of tears. No matter how much I’ve tried to protect myself, this moment is forcing me to confront how I feel about Will, and I’m terrified by the strength of my emotions. Yes, I made a massive mistake before and I’m naturally cautious but, now he’s told me his secret, I know without a doubt that Will is everything Luke wasn’t, and the thought of not having him in my life is like staring into a fathomless void. All of this makes the precipice I’m currently standing on more dangerous.

‘Tilly?’ His voice is gentle, but his arms are starting to drop. The moment is passing, but I’m not ready to let it go. I need to trust him; he’s just told me I’m part of his life, after all.

‘What if it was?’ I ask, my voice barely above a whisper.

He sighs. ‘I did wonder. Listen, there’s something else I need to tell you.’

I’m not sure what I was hoping he’d say, but it wasn’t this. I can feel my spirits plummeting as I sink down onto the stool by the workbench.

‘If there’s someone else…’ I begin, my mind automatically going into self-protection mode and starting to try to work out how I can escape from here with as much of my dignity intact as possible, so I can drive straight over to Mum’s and kill her.

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