Page 74 of Love, Accidentally

‘Yes,’ Bernard says in a disapproving tone. ‘Totally unrealistic and they fly like absolute idiots. I don’t get the attraction of it at all.’

‘I think I’d understand it more if they were flying some sort of recognisable pattern,’ Audrey remarks. ‘I mean, it’s definitely testing the limits of what the aircraft can do, but I’m not confident the pilots are in full control.’

‘Just you wait until Jonathan gets this baby in the air,’ Bernard tells her. ‘You’ll see some proper flying then. None of this stunt nonsense.’

‘Have you ever flown a helicopter, Audrey?’ Jonathan asks, lifting his head from whatever he’s doing.

‘No. I’ve been in them, obviously, but I’m not a fan of flying in something that seems permanently determined to kill you. I’ll stick to fixed wing, thank you very much.’

‘Audrey was telling me on the way over that she’s got a light aircraft back home,’ Jonathan tells us.

‘It’s not all mine,’ she corrects him. ‘I own a quarter share. It is fun though. A totally different way of flying from what I do for work.’ She turns to me and smiles. ‘I bought it with the settlement from my last divorce. My ex-husband was livid when he found out, which made it all the more rewarding.’

‘Why?’ I ask.

‘Because he was both unbelievably tight financially and a total control freak. I think he thought he’d be able to dictate how I spent what he still saw as his money. So when I blew pretty much the whole lot on something he thought was frivolous and a poor investment, it fried his tiny brain. I don’t think he’d have been any more cross if I’d bet it all on a horse race.’

‘He sounds delightful,’ Jonathan observes wryly.

‘He was, when we were dating,’ she tells him. ‘His true character didn’t come out until the wedding band went on. He started putting pressure on me to hand over control of my finances to him, and got quite cross when I told him I’d managed them quite happily myself for my entire adult life and didn’t see any need to change. When he finally realised he wasn’t going to win that argument, he got almost forensic about how much I was contributing to the bills and everything. It was like being a lodger in his house, except I was expected to have sex with him. I stuck it for two years before filing for divorce. Best decision I ever made.’

Will looks at me expectantly, obviously hoping that I’ll take this as an opportunity to probe her about her intentions towards Jonathan, but there’s no way I’m going to do that while he’s in earshot, so I gently shake my head at him.

‘Right, we’re on,’ Bernard announces and, sure enough, the guy with the jerky helicopter appears to have landed it. Now that I can see it clearly, it doesn’t even look like a helicopter; it has the rotors but, beyond the basic structures to hold it together, that’s it. Bernard’s face is a mask of disdain as we watch the owner pick it up and carry it to the side. Once the field is clear, Bernard and Jonathan carry mechanical Audrey out to the area evidently designated for take-offs and landings, setting her down carefully. Jonathan continues fiddling with the helicopter and remote-control unit as Bernard makes his way back to join us.

‘Is everything OK?’ I ask him. ‘Nothing seems to be happening.’

‘It’s fine,’ he assures me. ‘She’s not like the toys.’ Another disdainful look towards the man with the stunt helicopter. ‘He has to follow a precise start-up procedure. There’s an electric motor which spins the turbine up until it’s going fast enough for the second stage. Then it switches over to lighter fuel and continues spinning up until it gets to nineteen thousand revs, when he can switch it over to jet fuel. Only then is she ready to fly.’

‘Bloody hell,’ Audrey retorts. ‘Starting a real jet is less complicated than that.’

‘It’s a similar principle though, isn’t it?’ Bernard replies smugly. ‘You have to use the APU to spool the engines up before you can add the fuel.’

It’s clear that Bernard is eager to get into a detailed discussion with Audrey about the mechanics of jet engines and I’m mentally preparing myself to switch off, but she seems to have picked up on this and just smiles at him. Thankfully, before he can say anything more, we’re distracted by a whine coming from the helicopter.

‘Here we go,’ Bernard enthuses as the rotor blades accelerate up to a blur and Jonathan steps back. We all watch in silence as the helicopter twitches a couple of times before leaving the ground, and then a ripple of applause echoes round the field.

‘He’ll hover her while he checks everything’s OK, and then we’ll see how a helicopter should be flown,’ Bernard tells us.

Sure enough, after rising and falling a couple of times, and performing a full rotation in each direction, the helicopter suddenly shoots off down the field at a speed that catches me by surprise. At the end, it banks sharply to the left before climbing higher, crossing over us as it heads for the car park.

‘I told him it would be like riding a bike,’ Bernard remarks. ‘He was so anxious but look at the way he’s handling her. It’s like poetry. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, stunt boys.’

I may not know anything about it, but Jonathan does seem to be increasing in confidence as the helicopter swoops repeatedly over the field before turning sharply and heading off in different directions.

‘If that was real life, I think the pilots and passengers would all have vomited by now,’ Audrey observes as her namesake shoots over our heads once more. ‘A mate of mine is a stunt pilot and it was bad enough when he took me up.’

‘I don’t imagine your ex would approve of stunt flying either,’ I tell her, trying to find an opening now that Jonathan is out of earshot. ‘I’m surprised you didn’t take it up.’

She laughs. ‘That’s certainly true. I’ll think about it.’

‘Being a pilot makes dating difficult, doesn’t it?’ I remark, trying to sound like the thought has just occurred to me. ‘I went out with one for a while and you guys are almost never around. I’m surprised your ex didn’t have an issue with that, and I guess it gets in the way of meeting someone new.’

‘I don’t think it’s any worse than any job with irregular hours, is it?’ she replies. ‘My ex hated everything he wasn’t in control of, including my work, but I’m not worried about meeting anyone new.’ She smiles. ‘My dating days are firmly behind me. Don’t get me wrong, I like men and enjoy their company, but from now on they’ll only be mates.’ She turns to Will. ‘Your dad is quite safe.’

‘I never—’ he begins, but she cuts him off.

‘Of course you did. My boys would be just the same, don’t worry.’

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