Page 15 of Stolen Sun

“Next weekend, then?” I press while I have her confused.

“What? Oh. Maybe,” she says as she bites her bottom lip. “Just to watch, though,” she adds.

“No. To ride.” I decide to see how far I can push her.

She reaches for her water again, using the time to find a way out of the corner she’s backed into.The only way out is through.

“I don’t know,” she says looking down.

I lift her chin with a finger, forcing her to look me in the eyes. “I’ll keep you safe.”

She searches my face before she breathes out, “Okay.”

“There she is.” I smile down at her.

She swallows as I hold her chin and stare into that beautiful soul she keeps hidden from the world. The free-spirited side of her just needs a little push. She’s been kept in an ivory tower for far too long, and I’m just the monster to rescue her.

Behind Noel’s shoulder Kate freezes mid-sentence in her attempt to get Noel’s attention. She smiles at me and clears her throat, effectively pulling Noel out of her trance. I take the opportunity to shift my attention back to Roman Hyde as the servers clear the tables of dessert plates.

“Care to join me for a cigar?” I ask.

“Absolutely,” he says and leans over to his wife to say something in her ear.

I excuse myself from the table, deciding not to interrupt Noel’s conversation she has now rejoined with Kate. Walking toward the billiard room to land one of the biggest contracts in my company’s history, I find myself preoccupied by the vanilla scent of my sunshine still lingering in a cloud around me.

Chapter five

Noel

The day after Velocity’s charity event, I wake up on edge. Declan never came back to our table. When the auction closed, Claire, his secretary, sought me out to let me know that he was tied up with business and introduced me to a security guard who would walk me to my car. I tried to decline, but her words were literally, “That’s not possible.” Kate was practically drooling and kept gushing about how thoughtful it was of him, but I was skeptical about what business he would be handling at midnight.

I try to push my annoyance away by focusing on the full day ahead but fail miserably the entire morning. Declan is already under my skin, and I’d be fooling myself to think otherwise. When he walked up to me last night in that all black suit with his silky brown hair smoothed back off his face, it was all I could do to pretend I wasn’t deeply affected by him coming back into my life. Then he touched me in little ways throughout the night, and now I know that time and space really don’t change some feelings.

The connection I had with Declan never developed physically because of outside factors, but we were emotionally closer than I’ve ever been to anyone else, including Nate. Every thought and dream I had, he knew it. Opening up to him felt natural. He usually knew what I was thinking before I could say it anyway.

After last night, there’s no doubt where this is going, but,fuck,I am not prepared.Kate thinks it's the perfect scenario to get me back into the dating world. She doesn't know all the reasons I have not to trust him. If I could just be more like her. If I could just be casual, but I'm not. Some of my oldest scars belong to Declan. If he opens those next to the fresh ones Nate left behind, I don't think I could survive it.

Nate. I glance at his vanity when I finish with my hair. It used to be littered with things, but it's bare now. I used to complain to him about how messy his area of our bathroom stayed. I was always wiping globs of toothpaste and freshly shaved whiskers from the sink. Now it stays immaculately clean. Unused.

I wonder if other men are as messy as Nate. I wonder if Declan is.

Pulling myself together as best I can with the storm brewing inside, I leave home to meet Grant at Nate’s grave to clean and replace his flowers. We’ve naturally fallen into a routine of meeting every other Sunday. I usually go alone between these visits but not this week. Admittedly, I’ve been avoiding my husband since Declan stepped into my office.

Since going back to work and rejoining the world, I’ve felt the connection I had with Nate slipping through my fingers. Staying home allowed me to pretend he was at work or away on business when I needed a break from the grief. Days began to go by in which I didn’t fall apart, and I knew I was adjusting to his absence. In my refusal to let him go, I forced myself to think of him more. I was desperate to keep him, but reality wouldn’t allow it.

One morning, I made it all the way through a cup of coffee before the realization dawned on me that I hadn’t reached for him when I woke up. I called Joe later that day to let him know I was ready to go back to work. Nate was really gone. If I couldn’t even keep him inside my pretend bubble, I didn’t want to sit around in a silent house feeling his absence so completely.

The way I felt with Declan last night only confirms the reality that I will move on. That death did, in fact, do us part. A part of me feels guilty for the thoughts and feelings Declan has stirred up inside of me. Another part of me is relieved. Loyalty to my husband has been warring with my own need to feel alive for some time now. And Declan’s subtle touches last night certainly felt better than the cold, empty bed I crawled into at the end of the night.

When Grant arrives at Nate's gravesite, he must sense my mood because he hugs me a little longer than usual. Luckily, he doesn’t ask questions. I wouldn’t know what to say if he did. It's one thing to admit I'm ready to date again. It's something else entirely to have old feelings for a first love resurface. Nate would feel betrayed if I somehow still had feelings for Declan. Wouldn't he?

We quietly set to work removing the fallen leaves from the grave. Then Grant places a new flower arrangement beside the headstone.

“His mother will be in town this week. I know you like to come here on your own, so I didn’t want you surprised to find her here,” Grant says as we stand back to look over what’s left of the vibrant man we loved.

“Thanks for the heads up. I’ll stay out of her way.” I never developed a relationship with Jaclyn Williams. Nate had forgiven her and developed a relationship of sorts with her, but I kept my distance.

While he claimed to have forgiven her, I still paid for her sins. He was always anxious about any space I needed. Not that I wanted space often, but girls-only outings or trips were always stressful for our marriage. Nate always needed affirmation that I wouldn’t leave him. For the demons she left him with, I still choose to hold the grudge for him.

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