Page 24 of Grounds for Love

She pulls back slightly as her eyelids gradually open. “That was even better than I’d imagined.”

I kiss her forehead. “You’ve thought about fucking me?”

She nods, and even in the low light I can see a blush rising from her chest to her cheeks. “Yes, I have. I’ve even had dreams about being with you and the real thing feels much better than my imagination.”

I have to ask. “Have you touched yourself while dreaming of us together?”

She bites her lip and looks down with that cute flush rising even higher on her cheeks before whispering, “Yes.”

Her admission is a reminder that she may not have been ready for more than a kiss. I shouldn’t have allowed this to happen. I can’t believe I took her in a pool. What was I thinking? I wasn’t, and that’s the problem. I lose total control when it comes to Jenni.

I should have taken her home right after dinner and not put us in a place where we fuck in the damn pool. I’ve never lost control like that. Ever. Not even with Grace. Grace…

“What’s that look for?” she asks, searching my gaze.

Unwrapping her legs from my waist, I wait until her feet touch the bottom of the pool before I take a step back. “I was thinking that maybe this is moving too fast. Maybe we need to slow down to keep from doing something you’ll regret.”

A shield falls over her pretty eyes. “You think I regret what just happened or are you trying to let me down gently? I know I’m out of practice, but did that not do it for you?”

Her face grows red with anger and the hurt in her eyes cuts like a knife. “No. That’s not what I meant.”

“You know, you’re probably right. I should go.”

She turns to walk out of the pool, but I can’t let her go. Not like this. Not with the emotions I see burning in her eyes.

I stop her with a hand to her shoulder and then I bring her hand to my lips. “I don’t regret being with you, but I shouldn’t have let it happen until we were both ready. We just got carried away. I don’t want to take advantage of you. We’ve both been through so much that it’s easy to misconstrue feelings.”

“I kissed you first, Rod. I started it. I know what I feel. Do you really think I don’t know my own mind? You can’t take advantage of something that’s freely given.”

“I know, but…” I try to explain something that doesn’t even make sense to me, but her angry eyes lock onto mine.

“I trusted you, Rod. I gave myself to you. After a very long dry spell, I might add. You’re the only one I wanted to be with. You, more than anyone, should know how it feels to miss being touched. You may have been with someone—I’m not judging you—but I haven’t been with anyone since Bryan. You are the first man I’ve been attracted to enough to take the chance. Do you even care how big a deal that is for me?”

The hairs on the back of my neck begin to bristle and I have no idea where the unrest is coming from. “I know…”

“Yes, I still have Bryan in my head, but I didn’t let him sway or keep me from taking a chance on you. That kiss wasn’t a mistake. Touching you wasn’t a mistake. Being with you wasn’t a mistake. At least not to me. I knew what I wanted and I was brave enough to take it. So don’t tell me I don’t know my own damn mind. I thought we were on the same page, but maybe you don’t feel the same way. Maybe you are the one still trapped in the past. Is your wife’s memory and your guilt stopping you from admitting we both wanted that?”

Anger builds inside my chest and explodes hearing her talk about Grace. “You have some nerve bringing my wife into this when your husband has always been between us. I feel him there, hovering just out of reach because you aren’t over him. Are you so needy for someone to fuck that you were willing to use me to get what you wanted? And then what? When I got too close, were you going to toss me away?”

She flinches like I hit her in the face. “Don’t talk about Bryan. Don’t even say his name. I’ll never stop loving him and I wasn’t using you, you asshole. I…I wanted you.”

Tears run unheeded down her cheeks as she rushes out of the pool and I hate her fucking tears. I watch as she pulls her clothes on and storms down the steps onto the sandy beach, and I’m empty inside. Cold. Drained. I grab my clothes from the bottom of the pool and drag myself out. What have I done?

I fucked up. The things I said…accused her of, I’ll never be able to fix. I didn’t even mean them. I just... What? Freaked out because having sex with Jenni was better than…no, I can’t even think that.

I take off at a jog. It’s dark, but I see her in the distance and I sprint towards her. “Jenni,” I call out once I’m within hearing distance. “Stop. Please. We need to talk.”

She whips her head around and the tears on her face stab my heart because I’m the cause. I never wanted to hurt this precious woman.

She shakes her head and her stubborn chin tilts upward. “I don’t want to talk anymore.”

“Please, Jenni, don’t fucking cry. I can’t take it. I know I fucked up. Just give me a chance.”

“Go home, Rod. I’m tired and you were right. We aren’t going to work.”

I take a step closer, but her glare stops me. “Don’t say that, sweetheart.”

Instead of replying, she gives me her back and continues on her way down the beach. “Fine, if you don’t want to talk, let me take you home.”

“No. I don’t want anything from you. I’m going to Kimberly’s. Just go home, Rod. I never should have said yes.”

I fist my hair and want to scream out my frustrations with myself. I have no choice but to follow behind until she reaches the Inn and I don’t turn back until I see she’s safely inside. I rub my chest to ease the tightness and pain I can’t bear.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

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