Page 26 of Grounds for Love

“Incredible, at least on my side. That’s why I can’t understand what happened.”

I have a whole new bank of material for my dreams. I can’t believe I told Rod I dreamed about him.

“What’s the blush for?”

My darn light skin. There’s no way I’m getting into that. “Being with Rod was just that good. I thought we were both enjoying it, but then after… he turned cold and accused me of using him. We ended up saying hurtful things about our spouses. I lashed out at him because what he said made me angry and I don’t know where any of that came from.”

Kimberly touches my hand and her eyes soften. “Don’t you, Jen? Rod totally changed in a day. Then he has sex with a woman he’s attracted to. I’m not talking about emotionless hookups. He felt something with you. Why do you think he acted that way?”

I stare into her eyes and search my mind for the reason. Once it dawns on me, I feel even more horrible than I already did. “I didn’t see it, but I do now. Such a typical kneejerk reaction that I’ve experienced myself and I never put the pieces together.”

“Yeah, that’s the way it usually happens when two people like each other, but are too afraid to let anything serious happen. Rod lashed out because you made him feel something that he didn’t know how to deal with.”

“And in return, I did the same thing.” I sigh and look into my cup of caramel-colored tea. “I can’t be with someone who isn’t ready to leave the past behind. He’s still in love with his wife. There isn’t room in a relationship for me.”

“Jen, is Bryan in your past?”

“I’ll always love Bryan and I’ll never forget him, but I was ready to explore something else. As scared as I am, I was ready to take a chance on Rod.”

“Don’t give up on him, Jen. Give him a little time to work through this. I really think you two belong together.”

“I’m not closing my heart to the possibility of finding love again. But I have to come to terms with the fact that it may not be Rod. It’s scary enough without having to deal with ghosts too. I think he feels safe in the life he’s been living and I screwed that up. I get it. I really do. I’ve had those same feelings so I can’t fault him for them. I talked to Bryan’s picture for years expecting him to answer.”

“Don’t give up on Rod. He’s worth fighting for.”

“He may be, but I don’t have any fight left in me. As much as I lo…” I pause because I was going to say love.

No. I can’t love him. I won’t love him.

My chest tightens as my breaths become short and I gulp in air, but very little is getting to my lungs. Kimberly is saying something, but I can’t understand her.

My head is lowered between my knees and a paper bag appears in front of my face. I take it with shaking hands, hold it to my mouth, and focus on breathing in and out.

Panic attacks aren’t anything new to me. I started having them when we lost Bryan, but it’s been years since I had one. Kimberly rubs my back, encouraging me through the worst of it until I can do away with the bag. Then embarrassment sets in.

Kimberly returns to her seat and takes my hand. “You love him, don’t you?”

Just hearing her say that makes me sick to my stomach. I shake my head wildly. “No. We’ve only just met.”

She chuckles. “Oh, boy. First comes denial. You better buckle up, girl, because you’re going on the rough and bumpy love ride.”

This can’t be happening. “No. I’m getting off.”

Kimberly laughs again and a knowing light shines in her eyes. “Come on. I’ll take you home.”

After going through a very brief retelling to Joy, I’m finally able to shut my bedroom door and fall back on my bed. I don’t remember love hurting this much. With Bryan, our love was uncomplicated and predictable. We dated. We got engaged. We got married. The kids just never came, but we sure tried.

If it hurts this much to love Rod, I don’t want any part of it. It’s better I find out now instead of years from now when it would be harder to get over him. I ignore the little voice in my head laughing because I think getting over Rod is going to be easy.

I pull the covers over me and lay my head on the pillow. I have to be up in only a few hours to get to work. Work should be my only focus. I’ve done it before to get over something too hard to deal with. It will distract me again.

The next day, I don’t want to admit that I’m disappointed that Rod doesn’t show up. Mr. Long, however, is there bright and early.

I try to smile when he comes in the door looking especially dapper today. He’s even slicked back the thin gray hair on his head and, if I’m not mistaken, his overalls are new. “Good morning, Mr. Long.”

He shuffles up to the counter and instead of placing his order, he says, “I hear you’re single again, young miss.”

How… I shake my head because nope, I don’t want to know. It’s the small town effect like everyone says. I cave. “I suppose I am.”

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