Page 45 of Grounds for Love

Joy tugs me up from the floor and takes my weight, and then…

I’m disoriented when I open my eyes and find myself in bed. My bed. At the apartment.

“Feeling better?”

I startle, finding Joy sitting cross-legged on the bed beside me. “What happened?”

“You fainted. I guess it was too much for you to emotionally handle.”

“What…” I start to ask, and then I remember. Everything. I flop back down and my head hits the pillow hard. “I need to go through the box and see if I can find anything else. Maybe there’s something in there to explain why.”

“I’ve already done that. There’s nothing else.”

“I guess we’ll never know.” Bryan was adopted by older parents and they both passed shortly after Bryan. They loved him so much. It broke their hearts when he died.

“So all that time, you thought you were the one that couldn’t get pregnant and it was really Bryan.”

“Yeah, we’d talked about going for testing, but something always came up and he kept pushing it back. I guess I’ll just have to make peace with the fact I’ll never know. I trusted Bryan and I’m sure he did what he had to do. I just wish he’d told me.”

Joy chuckles. “Well, thank goodness you and Rod use protection or you’d for sure be knocked up by now.”

Wait. What?

I tilt my head to the side and stare at my sister. My head is spinning faster now than ever. Apprehension courses through me at her comment. Conversations and events play out in my mind.

Telling Rod, I can’t get pregnant. Throwing up off the side of the yacht. The rancid coffee beans. The upset stomachs, the tender breasts, fainting, my missed periods…

“I thought I was going through pre-menopause,” I mumble, shaking my head back and forth in disbelief.

“What?” Joy asks.

My hand goes to my stomach. “I’m never regular, but I haven’t had a period in a long time. I thought I was just going through perimenopause. But, Joy… I think I’m pregnant.”

Joy squeals and bounces on the bed. “Oh, my God, Jen. That’s wonderful!”

Her excitement escapes me. “Is it? Is it, Joy? As much as I wanted a baby when I was younger, I don’t know if this is what I want now.”

Older women can have problems with having babies. A chill causes me to shake.

“Are you saying you don’t want the baby?”

Is that what I’m saying?

My hand trembles as I cover my stomach and I swear there’s a fluttering beneath it. I want this baby terribly. But will Rod? Tears fill my eyes and my breathing becomes rapid and short.

“Wait, Jen. Breathe. We need to get a pregnancy test. You might not be pregnant. You could be stressing over nothing.”

I meet her anxious gaze, but we both know the answer. My tears flow and my heart sinks, but I pull it together as best I can for my sister. I swallow the large knot that’s formed in my throat. “Right. We need a pregnancy test, but we aren’t getting one here. How do you feel about a trip to Southport?”

“This late? Don’t you think we should wait until tomorrow? We can take the first ferry out.”

I stare into the darkness outside the window and then check the clock beside my bed. When did it get so late? Rod doesn’t work tomorrow. We planned to spend the day together since we both have it off.

How am I going to tell Rod? I told him I couldn’t get pregnant. I’m the reason this happened. My stomach rumbles.

“Is the chicken parm ready?”

“It was ready a long time ago.”

I push off the bed. “Good. I’m starving.”

My stomach growls again to prove it.

The next morning we’re on the first ferry out. At the pharmacy in Southport, we buy three pregnancy tests. In the bathroom of the local diner, I discover that I am indeed with child.

I sit down on the toilet and cry. And then I throw up for good measure.

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