Page 49 of Grounds for Love

Chapter 16

Jen

We’vebeensittingin Rod’s driveway for ten minutes. He’s not said a word since we left the doctor’s office. Even on the ferry, we stayed in his truck. Silently. My stomach is in knots and it has nothing to do with motion sickness. It’s stress.

After all the warnings the doctor gave us, I know Rod’s scared. This is probably bringing back bad memories of his wife’s illness. I’m scared too. Scared to want this baby and terrified about what that means. The odds of having a healthy baby aren’t good at my age. As much as I’ve come to want this baby, is it right to make a child suffer a lifetime for a mistake I unknowingly made? The weight of this decision sits squarely on my shoulders.

I’m also worried about Rod. Hearing him say “I love you” in the doctor’s office gave me hope, but he never signed on to have a child. If I’d met Rod ten years earlier, this would be the happiest time in my life. But then I would have been married to Bryan and this couldn’t have happened. I’m so confused.

I can’t stand the silence. I get out of the truck and head inside. Rod follows behind. The ocean is calling me. I’ve always found it soothing to be near the water. It’s something that has always touched my soul. That’s one of the reasons Joy and I chose Faire Island.

I open the sliding door to the upper deck and pause when Rod starts to follow. I glance up and tell him, “I want to walk on the beach. Alone, please. I just…I need some time, okay?”

He nods and runs a hand through his hair. I know he’s frustrated. He never asked for any of this. But then again, I didn’t either. I don’t stop until I’ve kicked my shoes off and have my toes in the sand. I head north as hot tears flow down my face.

I don’t know how long I walk, lost in my thoughts, but it’s near dusk when I return to Rod’s. Instead of going in, I sit on the sand and pull my knees up to rest my head on them. I feel Rod beside me as he lowers to the sand. He must have been watching for me.

“I was getting worried,” he says, his voice rough and scratchy.

I tip my head and stare out to sea. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to worry you. It’s just a lot, you know?”

“Yeah,” he agrees and then I feel bad when he says, “I paced on the deck, waiting for you to return.”

I sigh and apologize. With my eyes still on the horizon, I let him know at least one decision I made. “I want to have the test.”

“Okay,” he says softly.

“There’s still a small window to…” My voice catches and I take a breath before continuing, “To decide what to do if the tests come back...” My voice breaks. I can’t finish the sentence.

“Okay,” he repeats and I wonder if Rod is still in shock.

“I hope you believe I didn’t plan this. I honestly didn’t think it was possible for me to get pregnant. Saturday, I found a receipt in a storage box that showed Bryan had a vasectomy the year after we got married. I didn’t know anything about it until I found that receipt.”

“I believe you, Jenni.”

I wish he’d call me sweetheart like he usually does. He’s checking out already. “It’s my fault this happened and I want to give you an out. I don’t expect anything from you, Rod. If you want, Joy and I can move and you never have to think about me or this baby again. It’s my fault you’re in this position.”

“No.” His tone sharpens and I turn my head to see his jaw tense. “Jenni, I was there too. It was just as much my decision to go without a condom. I chose to. I take responsibility for that, so stop blaming yourself. We were both there. What do you want, Jenni?”

“I want to have a healthy baby. I want to be excited about being pregnant instead of afraid to let myself love little peanut because we could lose him. Or her. I want to be younger and not have to worry about all those scary things that could happen to the baby of someone my age. Do you realize we’ll be in our sixties when he or she graduates?”

He nods. “Yeah, people are going to think we’re the kid’s’ grandparents.”

I gasp. “Oh, my God, I hadn’t thought of that.”

“I’ll be near seventy when peanut graduates from college. I’ll probably be wearing a diaper and using a walker.”

“Or a wheelchair. I’ll push you in my orthopedic shoes and compression socks.”

We look at each other and grins inch up before we’re laughing. We might as well. The alternative is to cry about it and I’m so tired of crying. Rod ends up pulling me into his lap and for the first time since Saturday morning, I can breathe. “I love you, Rod. I want this baby so badly and that scares me.”

He hugs me close and I clutch his shirt in both hands like I’m drawing strength from the connection. In some ways, I am.

“I love you, Jenni. Together we can do this. So we’re going to have the test done and then we’ll make any decisions together.”

I love how he said we.

“I like the sound of that,” I say and nuzzle my head under his chin. “Rod, have you told anyone?”

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