Page 58 of Grounds for Love

I tip my head, unable to understand where this is coming from. “Yes. I do. Very much.”

She nods and continues. “Even without the baby, can you imagine a life without him?”

My heart lurches at even the thought. “No. I can’t. Where are you going with this, Joy? Rod is…the father of my child. Yes, I love him. I can’t imagine not having Rod in my life.”

Her eyes soften. “If you love him and you want to be with him, then why won’t you marry him?”

Sweat prickles my skin. She knows and she won’t settle until she makes me say it. “I will never live through that again, Joy. Losing Bryan nearly killed me. It’s too hard. I can’t do it again.”

She nods and takes my hand in hers. “You think turning down Rod’s marriage proposal will keep him safe?”

I shake my head wildly, tears forming in my eyes. It hurts to even think about losing Rod the way I lost Bryan. “No…”

“It won’t, Jen. If it’s Rod’s time to go, then nothing you do or don’t do is going to change that. You hurt Rod when you turned him down. In his eyes, you’re saying he’s not worthy to be your husband and will never have a place in your heart. He lost his wife, Jen. It’s hard for him too, but he took the first step. Why can’t you?”

“You don’t understand…” My voice breaks. “He didn’t ask until he found out about the baby.”

“Nope, I’m not buying it. The baby may have moved the timeline up, but that man loves you. Hasn’t he proven it time and time again? I love you, but you’re wrong about not marrying Rod. You are one of the lucky ones. You found true love twice in a lifetime. A lot of people never find it at all. Don’t throw that love away.”

I’m already in bed before Rod gets home from work. I’m so tired lately and after shopping all day, I’m exhausted. I’m not sure how much the shopping wore me out or was it the conversation with Joy? It bothers me more than I want to admit. Am I hurting Rod in ways I never considered?

I’m facing away from the bedroom door and, for the first time since I moved in, I close my eyes and pretend I’m asleep. Everything in my life feels out of control, like I’m flying down a hill without brakes. I keep speeding and speeding and there’s no way to stop the crash I know is going to happen at the bottom.

A therapist would probably say the baby’s birth is represented by the crash at the bottom on the hill and the speeding is because I don’t feel in control of my emotions or the situation and time is running out. True on all counts.

If I’m being honest, I want a life with Rod. I do want to be more than just the mother of his child. From the first moment I saw Rod, I knew we had something. It took me a long time to admit what that something was. I love the life we’ve made together. Joy’s right. I am scared of losing Rod. I’m scared of being alone again. I’m scared of walking beside another casket and knowing I’ll never hold the man I love in my arms once more. I never want to go through that again.

A finger brushes my cheek and I open my eyes to find Rod sitting on the bed beside me. “Sweetheart, what’s wrong? You’re crying.”

I scramble into his lap, not even realizing I’d been sobbing. I wrap my arms around him as tightly as I can and bury my face into his chest. “I’m scared. So scared of losing you. I barely lived through burying one husband. I c…can’t do it again.”

“Shhh, Jenni, it’s okay. We don’t have to ever get married. What we are to each other and to this baby is enough.”

“No, no, it’s not enough. You deserve so much more. I love you, Rod. I do, I really do, but I can’t marry you.”

Even in the dim light of the bedroom, I see the wounded look in his eyes. I hate myself at this moment for hurting him.

He places his hand over my protruding stomach. “Jenni, I love you, and I want to be with you and this baby however you’ll let me. You and this baby are my life and I never want to let you go. We don’t need to be married to have it all.”

He kisses me and wipes away the tears, murmuring how much he loves me as he makes slow, passionate love to me to prove his words. I’ve never felt more cherished than I do in his arms, which only makes me sad I can’t give him what he wants.

I lay awake until exhaustion pulls me under while I’m safely wrapped in Rod’s arms.

“Hey, Marsh.”

I know that voice. Only Bryan calls me that. I fight to open my eyes. When I do, I can’t see anything but a white fog. “Bryan? What…”

“You’re about to screw up, Marsh. You need to marry the man. He’s good for you and he makes you happy. Stop being so in your head.”

I step into the fog, searching for Bryan. “But you’re my husband.”

“Babe, the vows we took in front of God, Pastor Reed, and our family and friends, said until death do us part. You honored that vow. Now I’m your past and he’s your future, and it’s going to be a stellar one.”

I keep walking, squinting through the white mist. “How do you know?”

“It’s a perk. I also know you’re going to have a healthy baby girl and you’re going to name her Brianna, to honor his mom. I choose to think it’s for me. Brianna is sorta like Bryan. Maybe you could change the spelling. Nah, that might be too much for him to name his kid after your dead husband. But it would be awesome.”

I grin and place my hand on my stomach. A warmth surrounds me and I know he’s right. “She’s going to be okay.”

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