Page 138 of Broken

Most of the flight here, I stared out the window, running over the night before. Everything that happened, all the things I found out about Garrett and his declaration before he drove off. Was it too little too late? Or too much after what I went through the night before.

Trying to figure out how things could be different. Knowing in my heart they never will be.

Sin listened to everything, and she was furious. She didn’t know who she was madder with, Caleb and the shit he brought through my door. Or Garrett for his part in it all.

Garrett doesn’t know how to express himself. He has his demons, and I understand that. I don’t know how to feel about his declaration. If it’s enough to convince me something more could grow.

He said he was going to give me a day, it’s been three weeks. I didn’t tell him I was leaving, he hasn’t reached out. Not that he can. My phone broke, I got a new one, with a different number. Wrong, maybe, but I’m doing what I told myself to do. Putting me first.

Sin doesn’t tell me anything about him. I can’t help but wonder what he thinks about me leaving Baltimore.

The only saving grace is the work. I met Tim Vasquez, and we discussed what they wanted from me. Which was to complete what I started. They were willing to pay more for my time. I’d be a fool to turn it down, that was what I thought about as I lay in bed the night after the meeting.

Tim never asked questions about where I’ve been. He only cared I was back.

This job is all that is keeping me going right now. My thoughts inevitably return to the life I made in Baltimore. To my friends, even my apartment.

Nothing came from the incident, no police. I can only assume it was the bikers who did that.

As much as I try not to, I miss him. I believe everything he said to me. In his own way he declared how he felt. Ididn’tneed pretty words from him. With a man like Garrett, actions do speak louder than words.

The silence over the last three weeks is deafening. Defeating.

The terror from that night still lives in my head. The thought of being hurt, or worse. If he wasn’t so focused on Caleb, he could have turned that knife on me.

I should blame Garrett, but it wasn’t his fault. It was happenstance. Me living in the same building as Caleb. Him being involved with the man who killed Garrett’s sister. The coincidences weren't his fault.

It hurts my heart thinking about Gwen. And what he gave up for me that night. He’s been desperate to find out what happened to his sister. I can’t forget that Garrett stayed with me. He chose me over that long-term need.

It’s not getting any easier to put it out of my head, to stop seeing his face. But I’m doing my best and spend the day at the site where they broke ground a couple of weeks ago. Being around these people keeps my mind occupied.

This isn’t permanent. This building was my dream, having the chance to see it become reality is something I need to do. What does the future hold in terms of my career? I am enjoying this, it's lit a fire in me again but part of me misses Swirl and Grinds.

Who’d have thought serving coffee would feel more like me, than doing what I trained to be for years?

Garrett asked me once if I woke up in the morning desperate to get to work as a barista. He worked hard to convince me thatmy true heart lay in architecture. I can go crazy trying to figure it all out. One thing is for sure, the people I met in Baltimore, the friends I surrounded myself with, became family.

Here, surrounded by people, I still feel alone. Empty inside.

On the drive home, I find myself in my old neighborhood. It’s like muscle memory taking all the turns to arrive at my house and I park opposite the driveway. I didn’t know what happened after I left. It was another thing I told the lawyer to deal with. A casualty to the bankruptcy.

The last time I saw this place was around the back of the U-Haul I hired to drive across the country.

I’ve not forgotten how beautiful it is. How perfect. My dream home that I designed and oversaw the building of. It’s completely different to where I live now.

A small laugh escapes as I think about the day I moved into that apartment. Not about Garrett, I’m not facing up to that part of meeting him yet. About how I walked through that small space and had a panic attack, thinking I’d never be happy there.

It’s tainted after the events of that night but oddly, I miss it. Looking at this house, I don’t miss living here. It’s got too many bad memories. Worse than the ones from Baltimore.

The house is vacant, with a For Sale sign at the end of the driveway. Which means it’s okay to go check something. There is a lock box at the side of the front door, I input the code and am surprised when it pops open, revealing the key.

Inside, I close the door and listen to the silence. It feels and smells empty. Void of any kind of life. Moving through the rooms, I picture how it all looked before. Echoes of my life with Jared are in every corner of every room.

I avoid the bedroom. My last memory of that room was finding my mother in bed with my husband.

My laugh echoes around the room. It gets a little maniacal, and borders on turning into tears, it’s time to leave.

As if she can sense something is awry, my phone rings in my purse.

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