Page 87 of Out Of Time

He opened his home screen and found that the text was not from Remi at all, but from Jack Brown, inviting him to meet up after practice to talk, and maybe grab some food if Max was up for it.

He wasn’t up for it but agreed to it anyway.

For too long he had said no, and where had that gotten him? A big house that had never seen guests. Great accomplishments with no one to celebrate them with. A whole hockey team of great men who felt like family, yet they knew almost nothing about him. Max was done hiding, with his words guarded, tucked away in the back of his mind.

So, he said yes.

And then he called Remi.

“Hey, you,” she said cheerfully. She knew that today was the big day, so he wasn’t surprised she was using her extra welcoming voice.

“Hey. I’m sitting in the garage,” he said.

“Did you just get home?” she asked.

“No, I just can’t seem to pull myself out of it.”

Itbeing the moment, the spiral, the reality—the manila folder on the seat next to him, mocking him.

“That’s okay. If sitting in your Jeep is where you need to be, then stay put. There’s no rules about this, Max. No books written on how to properly handle what you’re going through.”

“I told them,” he said.

He could hear her breath falter on the other line. “How’d it go?”

“It went as to be expected. Big emotions. Lots of support. Lots of tough questions.”

“How do you feel about it now?”

“At first, I felt numb. And then angry. Now I’m a little relieved. I keep having this weird sense of freedom knowing I don’t have to be the last line of defense for my team anymore. Which also feels kind of shitty.”

“Do you think that might be a sort of defense mechanism? Almost like your brain protecting you from the reality of what’s going on?”

“Maybe? But I try and buy into it, ya know? I don’t want to play into the opposite of those thoughts, the ones that tell me I’m nothing if I’m not a goalie.”

Remi took a second, and for a moment he thought the call had failed.

“You there?” he asked.

“I am. I’m just trying to comprehend how you’re taking this so well. I’m just really fucking proud of you, Max.”

“I’m not taking it as well as I’m letting on, Rem. But I think I might need to fake it for a while, just to help me through the rest of this season.”

“Sometimes that’s all we can do.”

The line went silent again. Remi made silence safe.

“Jack Brown,” he started, “the other goalie. He wants to get dinner tonight to talk.”

“And how do you feel about that?”

“I think I want to go.”

“Good. I think you need to rely on your team now more than ever.”

He ran his hands over the steering wheel, they were clammy with anxiety. “I rely onyou,” he said.

“You do, and you always can, but they have something I can’t offer.”

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