Page 72 of Midnight Wishes

That was true. Alex, who had been carefully controlling his emotions since adolescence, had dropped the veil hiding his feelings from the rest of the world.

‘But somewhere in between, there was a glimmer of joy. You werelighter, Alex. And the best part was, you let me see it. I’ve barely spent any time with you in the last month, and I didn’t care, because when I did see you—when I passed you in the passage in the morning, or when I came downstairs for water at a stupid time of the night to find you eating dinner—you alwayshad this dumb little smile on your face. I know that smile. I live with that smile too. For the first time in fifteen years, you weren’t trying to micromanage the way the world saw you twenty-four hours a day. You just…were. I want that Alex back.’

‘Are you two going to be done with this tea party any time soon?’ One of the many—too many—fitness influencers who frequented Alex’s gym hovered half a metre away, a steroid-infused scowl on his face.

Alex stood. ‘All yours, asshole,’ he said cheerfully, before heading back to the weights rack to load up another bar. It gave him a sick sense of satisfaction to see the overgrown dickhead remove two plates from the bar before he set up his phone to film.

Trying not to fixate on Erik’s words—you weren’t trying to micromanage the way the world saw you—Alex loaded up another bar and found a clear space for squats. His brother, who had moved back into position behind him, was too fucking perceptive for his own good.

‘I don’t know what she said or did to hurt you like this,’ Erik began again, gentler this time, ‘but I hope you try to work it out. Because you deserve to be happy, man. And if’—Erik cleared his throat—‘if there are other things making you less happy than you should be…I hope you find a way to stop them having so much control over you.’

It was obvious what he was talking about. The job that was day by day, hour by hour, turning Alex’s soul into a husk of its former self.

The job that had turned him into someone who couldn’t maintain a relationship, because who wanted to wait up to eatdinner with their boyfriend in the middle of the night? Who wanted to be with someone who gave all the best of themself to a corporate monolith?

Sarah deserved someone who could give her the world. And Alex could give her some of it. But what was the point if he had to send her off to enjoy it without him?

Finally, Erik gave up his pretence at being helpful and moved to stand in front of him, his voice dropping even lower. ‘I’m not saying go back to being the fun party guy all the time. I’m saying maybe there’s a happy medium where you don’t have to be that or the miserable sack of shit in front of me. You could just…be. And let the people who care about you enjoyyou, not the bullshit image you’re still trying to feed them. Us. I’m your brother, and you’ve never really let me know you.’

‘You’ve never wanted to,’ Alex snapped, and Erik’s face crumpled.

‘I said I was sorry about that,’ he said quietly. ‘But I’m here now, and I’mtrying.’

When he finished his set, Alex silently returned his discs and bar to the racks before stalking back to his brother. ‘No one gave a shit about me,’ he said, voice deathly quiet, ‘until I became that guy. Until I learned to amplify all the most appealing parts of myself. I made myself the fun, easy-going charmer who dressed well and could speak to anyone. I made the right friends and got a good job and a beautiful house and picked up girls easily. Then I found someone who saw through all that, and I thought… I thought I could give her more of me. So I did, and she left anyway. But don’t worry. We’re both adults. We’ll keep it civil at the wedding.’

Erik stepped back, hurt evident in every line on his face. ‘I actually don’t give a shit about the wedding right now, Alex. I’m concerned about mybrother.’ The last word was spat, and maybe Alex deserved it, but he couldn’t feel enough to care. ‘I’m going to wait in the car. Come find me when you’re done torturing yourself.’

Later that night, after Alex spent another half hour punishing his body before driving them home in silence, he took stock of what Erik had said. It was easy for him to tell Alex to work it out, when his own relationship came as naturally as breathing. When he’d been in love practically since the day his now-fiancée was born.

But there were other things Erik had said too. Other wounds where his words had cut a little too close to home. One that was still rattling in his head hours later. And before he crawled into bed, he dragged his laptop from his bag—ignoring the small crack on the corner of its lid from when he’d dropped it in favour of kissing Sarah a few days before—opened his emails, and pulled up the draft he’d been hoarding for months.

Chapter 35

SARAH

imgonnagetyouback | Taylor Swift

‘I really appreciatethat you, one of my dearest, closest friends, are deigning to spend time with me again.’

Zoe tutted. ‘I was never refusing to spend time with you. I just wasn’t prepared to justify your poor decision-making by paying for your alcohol.’

Once their burgers—towering monstrosities, entirely at odds with the classy decor of the cute Central London bistro Zoe had dropped a pin to—and a shared mound of hand-cut fries had been delivered to their table, Zoe said, ‘So. Tell me about the job.’

The job. In Barcelona.

Where she’d spent the previous few days looking at available flats online and researching things to do and wandering parks on Google Earth, imagining reading or sketching there on a summer’s day. All of which had left her feeling…nothing. Sarah had also braved the crowds of Central London the day before—twice in one week had to be a record for her—so she could clearher head at the National Gallery. It was the one place in the city that quieted her mind. When she’d seen a tall blonde head vanish into room 9, she’d frozen, torn between chasing after him to see if that washertall blonde head and being too shit-scared to enter the hall housing the two Michelangelo paintings currently on loan to them, in case it was.

Zoe was asking about the job she’d spent days convincing herself she’d be excited for once she got the position. But when she’d opened her email that morning and read the wordsWe are delighted to offer…followed by a very generous sum, she’d still felt…nothing.

No excitement for the job or the place or sunny days in the park. Still, she tried to inject some enthusiasm into her voice as she replied to Zoe. ‘They seem to really want me. Good salary, great benefits. I’ve told you how excited I am for the travel opportunities. If I accept, I’ll start next month.’

‘Ifyou accept? Why wouldn’t you, what with the great benefits?’

If Sarah hadn’t been slightly annoyed by the innocent tone Zoe affected, she might have laughed at the lack of subtlety. ‘My parents are here, and they’re not getting any younger.’ They were barely fifty, which Zoe well knew. ‘I don’t know if I’m ready to leave you lot.’

Zoe perked up. ‘Oh, Abby will be super on board with visiting often. Maybe I can find a nice Spanish boy… So you don’t have to worry about missing us.’

Of course, there was the other thing. The one Zoe was needling her to admit. She shook the thought away.

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