Page 13 of Happily Undead in Dark River

He muttered something that sounded a little derogatory and stopped the microwave. “You don’t heat water for tea in the microwave, you feckin’ heathen.” He pulled a saucepan from the cupboard next to the stovetop. “Guess it would be ridiculous to hope you had an actual kettle, but this is better than heating in the feckin’ microwave. In china!” He grumbled some more as he moved the teacups away from me, like he was protecting his young. I couldn’t help it, I started giggling and couldn’t stop.

He gave me a disgusted look. “Don’t laugh, Woman. That was a travesty. I bet you don’t even have a teapot. This continent is basically the Wild fucking West still.” He continued to mutter and I could only laugh harder. He picked me up, and walked me out of the kitchen, setting me on a stool. “You can come back when you are apologetic for what you’ve done.”

Then he looked at my teacups and laughed. “Which one do you want? The one that says ‘Go Fuck Yourself’, oh look it says ‘Bitch’ on the saucer. That’s quaint.” He picked up the other one. “Or the one that says, ‘You’ve been Poisoned’ and the saucer says ‘Bye Bitch’. No, I want that one. You can go fuck yourself, Bitch.”

He got out a second pot, calling me a barbarian once or twice more, then spooned in the loose leaf tea. Finally, he poured over the boiling water. “At least it isn’t bagged shit. One point to Gryffindor for that one.”

“Did you just make a Harry Potter reference?” For some reason, this huge, scarred, skin-head looking killer making Harry Potter jokes just slayed me. I lied, you could die twice. I could barely stay on the breakfast stool I was laughing so hard now. My stomach ached and tears streamed down my cheeks.

X was still scowling at me, but the corners of his lips were twitching. “We don’t all live in the Dark Ages in the middle of the fucking Canadian wilderness, Love.” He let me laugh myself out until I was hiccupping as I tried to suck in enough oxygen. Not that I needed it. Laughing as a vampire was a biologically weird thing. “Ya' done?”

I nodded, wiping my face on my arm. When I looked up, X was giving me a strange look. “I can see it now, you know.”

I self-consciously rubbed my nose. Because boogers were a real possibility right now. "See what?"

“Why he loves you.”

My laughter drained from my chest as we stared at each other for a moment, the scent of tea perfuming the air. I wondered if I read the situation all wrong. I wondered if Judge had read it wrong all those years ago. Was it not Judge that X was jealous of, but Miranda? The looks he gave Tex suddenly took on a different light.

“Do you love him?”

He raised his eyebrows. “Judge? Sure. I love the man. Do I want him to suck my cock? Not right now, no.”

I huffed out a laugh. “And you called me a barbarian.”

He placed a china teacup in front of me. “No. For better or worse, it was that heinous witch that I loved. She tore my heart out and stomped on it, and now all that’s left is a dark pit where it should be.”

I went to lift my teacup to my lips, but he grabbed my wrist and stilled my hand. “Good lord. How have you survived this long? You need to let it cool, because a scalded esophagus is not fun, even for vampires. If you want a throat injury, I can think of more enjoyable ways to get it.” I dropped the teacup back into the saucer with an audible clink.

Judge strolled into the cottage-like he owned the place, which technically I thought he might. Well, at least a partial share of its purchase price. “This is cozy.” He came over and kissed my cheek. “Whatever he’s told you, it’s all lies.”

I grabbed his hip and pulled him closer. “He said he didn’t want to suck your dick.”

Judge gave me that grin, that one that tempts you into sin. “Well, Sugar, that’s the biggest lie of all.”

X just gave him the two-finger salute and yawned. “I was teaching your girl how to make a decent cup of tea in this fucking frontier town.”

Judge raised his eyebrows and I waved him away. “Don’t get him started. What I really, really want to know is what the Council said about Doctor Strange over there?”

“I bet Bendydick Cucumbercrotch would know how to make a decent cup of tea, Love. He’s British after all.” He took a sip of his tea. “It’s safe to drink. Your Council wasn’t overjoyed by my arrival, I guess you could say. But they have a need, and I have a skill. They are trying to be all kum-ba-yah and bullshit here, and don’t want to turn down applicants for their town. Though they might make a special exception for me.”

Judge filled in the blanks. They voted and were deadlocked. They decided that the acceptance of two former Enforcers would just bring the eye of the Vampire Nation back to the town over and over again. The other half decided that having two Enforcers could only strengthen our stance. The Vampire Nation already had us in their sights. There was no point hiding under the covers and hoping that it wouldn’t happen. That last bit sounded like Nico.

I stood and downed my tea in one gulp, mostly because I was in a hurry, but a little bit because I enjoyed X’s outraged face. They say that your outraged face and the face you make when you orgasm is the same.

I kissed Judge, nipping his lip. I looked over at X, who was doing his best to look bored with the whole thing. “I better get back to work. Come over for dinner tonight? Both of you.”

X nodded and Judge wrapped me in his arms. “We’ll be there. Just because X pisses off the Sheriff so bad.”

Incorrigible. Seriously.

Chapter Seven

The rest of the day passed like normal. In all honesty, after the last twenty-four hours, I could use a little normal. Apparently, Betty-Lou hadn’t shit on Eugene’s lawn. It was raccoon poop. I had a feeling that Betty-Lou might start now though. Walker told me all about it, and I thought perhaps Eugene had a thing for Betty-Lou, who was a slightly dumpy, plain vampire but had a smile that could light up a stadium it was so brilliant. If I was Eugene, a boring accountant, I’d have a thing for her too. But someone needed to give poor old Eugene some hints about picking up women because accusing them of defecating on your lawn was not the way to go about it. By the end of the story, Walker was laughing so hard he was crying, and I was curled in a ball holding my straining stomach muscles. I decided in that happy moment filled with laughter, not to mention Rosalita Fuentes. I’d finish writing up her file, put it back in the storage room, and pretend I’d never seen it. If today had taught me anything, it was that there was danger in poking at old wounds.

Eventually, we decided to call it a day, and we walked home hand in hand. We all had traumatic pasts. Pain let us know we were alive. We could dwell on it, or let the scars toughen us for the next time. We stopped by the grocery store, picked up some bread rolls and wine, a couple of steaks to barely cook.

Walker stopped at his house to shower and get changed, and I walked the extra few yards by myself. I stopped and drew in the warm, sweet night air. I missed the sun so badly. The feeling of warmth on my skin, like a layer of light. But the night was beautiful in her own way. Everything was a wash of blues and blacks, the stars ever-changing. Soon. Soon I’d be able to see the sun again.

---