Page 57 of In the Light of Sin

A huff of sardonic laughter escaped him. “I wish you’d try for the ones who actually care about you.”

A gasp escaped, his words fueling my temper as I stomped my foot, fingers digging into my palms as my knuckles turned white. “I do!”

“The bare minimum.”

“I’m always there for you.” My voice didn’t have the confidence I hoped it would.

“You’re only there for me because you want to save me,” he threw back at me, shattering my already bleak confidence with my conviction. “Would you have anything to do with me if I wasn’t somethin’ that needed fixing?”

His words left me speechless that he would even think that. I was drawn to Sarge, just like he was drawn to me. That’s why he brought me to his cabin and let me come back even after I wrecked his car and tore up his garage. It’s why he couldn’t stay away from me… right? Or was my hope for Sarge to feel for me what I felt for him a lost prayer? I took too long to answer, a haughty laugh that sounded like disappointment leaving him.

“I—“ What could I say? How could I convey to Sarge just how much he actually meant to me? “I just want my sister back, Sarge.”

“Your sister has always been here,” his tone still had its hardened edge, but it was softer than his tone before. “She just doesn’t want you.” He wasn’t done with just that. He was going in for the kill. “When Jordyn calls, and you’re with Nyla and Oakley, what do you do?”

I knew it was rhetorical, but I answered anyway. “Leave.”

“When Nyla or Oakley call you but Jordyn’s there, what do you do?”

“… Stay with Jordyn.”

“And what are you planning on doing when she coincidentally texts to hang out with you when we went to your parents’ when she’s never done it before?”

I didn’t respond. He already knew what I was going to do.

“Your savior complex isn’t gonna just cost you the people who care about you, Joslyn.” I looked down at my feet, but I knew he was walking towards me. He stopped when he was right next to me, our bodies aligned. “It’s goin’ to cost you your life.”

It was a possibility, so I still remained silent. He scoffed, shaking his head, not liking my lack of response to him.

“It’s always about Jordyn.” There was a slight desperation in his voice, one I’d never heard before. “You pick her over everyone. For once, I wish you’d pick me.”

“For once, I wish you’d pick me.”

I was always fighting, chasing… caring for him. How could he say I never picked him when I was ingrained in his life? We spent most of our days together, even if it was me talking with him doing his usual grunts. Our nights were usually me bent over somewhere, him using his dirty words and rough thrusts to get me off and leaving me alone. My heart stilled in my chest.

He thought I was with him out of obligation, trying to save him because he slightly reminded me of Jordyn. But that wasn’t the case, not at all.

He was the most important person to me. “Sarge—“

“Save it.” His head snapped to the doorway, preparing to bolt. “You already made your decision.”

“I don’t have to pick.” I was desperately trying to get him to put himself in my shoes. That was such a stupid thing to do with a man as stubborn as him.

“Maybe Prez is right about not trusting you.” My breath hitched at his slipped confession, my heartbeat slowing. His words cut something deep inside of me. I would never do anything to betray the Souls. The club meant so much to my two best friends, and I put myself on the line for the club. How could Darrell still not trust me?

My heart dropped to my stomach as his words settled more. Did Sarge not trust me?

“I’d never betray you.” All my emotions came out in a disbelieving whisper that he would even think I would do that to him. I’ve sinned enough in my life. I didn’t want to make anyone else suffer for my actions.

I was falling apart internally. He didn’t even look back to acknowledge me, leaving me with crushing words. “The day you don’t go crawlin’ back to her is the day that I’ll believe you.”

The door slammed shut behind him as a disheartening laugh bubbled in my throat. No. There was no way anyone besides my friends and the Souls thought that I was just my sister’s bitch. The denial in me had me digging my phone out of my pocket, frantically typing out a message to my group chat with Nyla and Oakley. Sarge was overreacting, and I would prove it to him.

Me: Do you guys feel like I always pick Jordyn over you?

I was confident in what they were going to say, but seeing the three dots go on and off made me more anxious by the second. Whoever was typing was debating on telling me. I held my breath, the dots consistent for three minutes, the knot in my throat growing larger as it spread dread to every nerve.

I wasn’t as confident as I felt sending that text.

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