Page 61 of In the Light of Sin

“Help yourself by gettin’ the fuck away from her.” He then made a detrimental mistake, putting his arm in front of me in a protective instinct. His hand gripping my shoulder made me flinch away from him.

I didn’t want to be touched right now, not in this mindset.

Sarge had the opposite reaction. He gripped his hand, crushing it as he cried out in pain. I swore I heard the bones pop under the pressure. “Put your hand on her again, and you won’t have one.”

The poor guy held his throbbing hand with his other, not bothering to say anything else, before he bypassed Sarge, running towards his car. The man in front of me didn’t bother to look at him as he went. He lifted his hand, about to touch where the other man did, but I stepped back before pleading, “I don’t…” Memories I wanted to forget coiled in my mind, latching onto my brain in a vice grip. “Please don’t touch me.”

He dropped his hand immediately, letting the silence settle between us. I’ve never let him not touch me, so he was obviously waiting for me to continue while I stood there dumbly, wringing my hands together while I tried to build up what little courage I had. I didn’t know what to do or say. My heart constricted at the thought of him just dropping me off at the clubhouse and leaving, not wanting anything to do with me anymore. Do I thank him for looking out for me even if my actions obviously affected him more than he’ll ever admit?

I guess I had to do it now or later, and it might as well be now. Before he kicked me out of his life for good this time. I wouldn’t blame him.

I took a deep breath, craning my neck to face the darkness that hid his face. My cheeks flushed with embarrassment and shame as I admitted, “You’re right. You’re absolutely right.”

He cocked his head, arms crossing over his broad chest. “About?”

“Everything. I thought… I thought that I was doing okay. That I was dividing my time fairly, but I wasn’t, not when my mind is constantly on Jordyn and how she’s doing when she doesn’t even deserve it.” I accepted the hard truth, and I hope it wasn’t too late to mend it. “There’s a big difference between being physically present, rather than emotionally and mentally. I was always physically present for everyone, but it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t fair to you, and I’m sorry.”

Still nothing from him. But he still hadn’t walked away from me, so I took it as a sign that he wanted me to continue with my apology. “I have to let go of my guilt. She doesn’t want help, and I can’t keep putting myself in danger with the little hope she’s given me.”

“I’m still learning to let go of mine.” Another sneak peek into the mystery that was Sarge. I would ask him about it later, but for now, I had to be selfish and clear my own conscience.

“I just…” I tried not to feel pity for myself. It was my fault for this. I deserved this for prioritizing Jordyn and making everyone suffer along with me. “When you said you wish I picked you, it really opened up my eyes. Because Sarge? I’ll always choose you first.”

He turned, not expecting the sudden change of heart from me. “Family isn’t always blood.”

“I know.” I always knew. I just prioritized the wrong ones. “You had three right? The military, your real family, and the Souls?”

He was silent for a moment. “Four.”

My face scrunched. “Four?”

“Parents. Military. Souls.” He turned around like he couldn’t face me anymore. “You.”

Warmth spread through me at Sarge giving me my own category. Earlier, I thought he would pawn me off to another brother, something I wouldn’t fight this time after my colossal fuck up. But here he was, still making my heart sing unintentionally. My laugh was watery. “Despite everything, you still want me around?”

“No one I’d rather be around.”

I couldn’t help the smile that formed on my lips, a small watery laugh escaping as I brushed my knuckle against the corner of my eye to collect a tear. “Can we go home?”

There was a pause, like he was trying to process me talking about his cabin as my home. I didn’t realize what I said before it left my lips, but his response left butterflies in my stomach. “Yeah.”

It was so simple. So Sarge.

There’s no one I’d rather be around, either. And I was going to work on proving that to him. Starting now.

Chapter 15: Sarge

She didn’t want me to touch her.

Why didn’t she let me fucking touch her?

She always let me put my hands on her whenever with no qualms, but after less than an hour with her sister, it sent her mindset back to a time I knew I would kill anyone who ever made her feel less than the ray of fucking sunshine she pretended to be.

I’d let my anger get the best of me. I almost just deserted her. Tyrant and Knight followed her to the mall. They rode my ass about how dejected her pretty face was as her green eyes were like a damn storm with all the bullshit that was in her mind. I clenched my teeth, jaw shaking as I hit my forehead against the plaster of my bedroom wall. I knew there would be a dent there, and it wouldn’t be the first or last. I took my anger out on the punching bag in my basement in the gym or the colorless walls of my cabin.

I couldn’t think of what happened at the mall. I would find out, even if I had to fuck it out of that sweet mouth of hers. But if I dwelled on it, I would go on a rampage, finding Jordyn and doing what I should’ve done the night of the recruitment party. End her fucking life.

I stepped out of my room, walked down the hallway, and immediately locked on Joslyn, who was relaxing on the couch. She was freshly showered after we fixed some of the damage she caused. She looked sexier than I’d wanted to admit in grease stains and dirt, but her domestication in my cabin made me want to throw her back outside to relieve the uncomfortable feeling in my chest. “Joslyn.”

---