Page 80 of In the Light of Sin

He couldn’t know. He couldn’t see me differently.

Without him, the sun I rose inside of myself would be extinguished, and my life would be permanently dark.

They would win. After fighting a battle with my demons for nine years… they would win if Sarge ever left me.

“Some guy was out here,” Tyrant explained as I clung to Sarge like a lifeline; without him right now, the glue I put myself together with would come undone. “Said her name. She’s been like this ever since.”

I knew he was asking the others. There was no way I could form a coherent word right now.

His hands moved to the back of my thighs, hoisting my body up his, and I clung to him, wrapping my legs tightly around his waist and arms around his broad shoulders. I knew he felt my tears as my face buried itself into the side of his neck. He knew I was comforted by his touch, that it was my love language even if it wasn’t his.

“Joslyn?” His rough voice was trying to be soft, but he was incapable of being anything other than who he was. A rough man who spoke with his words. “Who was he?” I remained silent, making him impatient. He wanted to know how to fix my problems. He couldn’t stand to see me in any type of pain. I never gave him the silent treatment. I was a constant chatterbox around him, so not answering him was worrisome. But… I just didn’t have the strength to say anything. How could a few words sap someone’s world away from you? “Do I have to fuck the information out of you? I know how to make you sing. Don’t tempt me.”

“Put me down.” My words were barely audible. I couldn’t handle the thought of Sarge doing that to me. I felt so… disgusting. I didn’t want to taint him. He obliged, seeing that I needed it, but refused to step out of my vicinity. His hand went to my chin, raising it to look at him once again. My smile turned cold as my mind shuttered over, blocking out the pain of my past. Where I was, who I was, and who I am now. I felt numb. I wasn’t even registering Sarge’s touch. When I felt it, I jumped away. I didn’t want to be touched. Not right now.

This was a side no one knew, the side I tried so hard to hide from everyone.

“Tell me who it was, or I’ll go back down there and kill every motherfucker until I find him.” He was serious. He would kill anyone, innocent or not if I didn’t speak up. I was already the cause of so much heartache, and I didn’t want to cause any more. A sordid laugh escaped. It wasn’t funny, but it was Sarge. Sarge opened up to me, showed me a side of him that he was ashamed to show anyone else…

Maybe exposing this side of me would lighten up the dark spot he left in my heart, even if it was just a speckle.

A speckle of who I once was is better than letting him consume any more of me. I tilted my head, fresh tears burning my cheeks.

“The man who ruined my life.”

Chapter 20: Joslyn

I didn’t remember the sequence of events after that. I didn’t even remember that Tyrant and Knight were there with us in that open landscape. I felt like a zombie when the two of them kept an eye on my struggling self as Sarge ran to get his bike, the refurbished motor he got for me usually bringing a smile to my face but doing nothing for me.

I felt numb. I felt absolutely nothing.

Tyrant helped me on the bike, and Sarge made sure my arms were wrapped tightly around him. It was tempting to let go and fall and give myself to the darkness lining the corners of my senses. But I couldn’t…

I couldn’t leave Sarge alone.

We pulled up to his cabin. He picked me up and held me close, and unlike earlier, I let him without complaint. He passed the threshold of the front door, taking me with him to do his routine of checking every room in the cabin before he led up to his living area. He dropped to the floor, his back resting on the edge of the couch as he refused to let me go.

I didn’t clutch him. I just let him hang onto me. As much as I tried, I couldn’t be the strength for both of us. I needed him; the tide was rising, almost suffocating me. He didn’t know he was acting like my life preserver.

Without him, I might drown.

“My parents died when I was fifteen,” I started my grim tale mindlessly. I didn’t know what words would fall out of me. I was speaking on a tandem, not realizing what I was saying until it was too late. “My parents were fighting over how they were going to afford my hearing aids. I’d outgrown the ones I wore, and they were supposed to go to the bank to talk about a loan… but I guess my Dad had other plans.”

Jordyn and I expected shouting coming through the door, not a deafening knock. I remembered a burly police officer and a nice-looking lady coming to our door that night instead of our parents. She told us to pack some things and that we would be staying somewhere for a few days. They wouldn’t tell us where our parents were, but Jordyn and I were terrified. Where were they? Why were they allowing this to happen? Did they not want us anymore? “It was a perfect sunny day. The only way he could’ve hit that tree is if he did it intentionally.”

“They called our family. The only one willing to take us in was Uncle Brian. They did no background check, no property check… nothing. Just placed us with him and left.” If they did, they would’ve seen the needles, the broken bottles, the used condoms, and the fact that he had been in and out of jail our entire lives, and that’s why we’d only met him a handful of times. “He wasn’t… the greatest.” Sarge’s vicious growl had me throwing my hands up in an attempt to calm him, but there was no calming this beast of a man when he was wound up. “He wasn’t abusive towards us.”

“Why didn’t he move in with you to your parents’ place?”

“Our parents passed the house down to us, but we legally couldn’t have it until we were eighteen. So the bank possessed it until then.”

He was silent, waiting for me to continue. This part I’d never told another living soul—I could only hope that Sarge would still want to be by my side after I told him the ugly truth about how I destroyed myself and my sister’s life.

“Joslyn, Jordyn. These are my friends Kody, Douglas, and Anthony.” Uncle Brian introduced us to three boys—no men. We were only a few days from turning sixteen, and his friends looked to be in their mid-twenties at least. “Guys, these are my nieces.”

Shivers made my whole body shake as their eyes looked at both of us head to toe—looks that men in their twenties should never have for girls not of legal age. “You’ve been holding out on us, Brian.”

Uncle Brian didn’t seem concerned with what his friend said to us, but getting an older man’s attention at sixteen felt nice. At least, I thought so. Boys at our school knew about my condition and steered clear of me, making me an outcast. Jordyn ensured I was always around her and her friends, but I never fit in with them. Their pitiful stares made me self-conscious.

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