Page 99 of In the Light of Sin

She reminded me why I didn’t deserve any form of happiness in my life.

I didn’t answer her. I just walked right past her and didn’t check to see if she was following me. I didn’t care right now. I didn’t want anyone but the misery I should’ve kept around to keep me humble. My priority was getting out and here and to my safe place. A place where I already planned out the rest of my days.

A place I should’ve kept the sunshine out of.

* * *

The ride back to our cabin was silent. We didn’t buy anything we went there for, choosing to come home once Madison stormed off with her unforgiving words. I damn near forgot Joslyn as my mind was focused on protecting myself and getting out of danger, bunkered down into a familiar part of my daily routine that I felt in control of. Not the way it felt when I first was sent on my own after the incident, out of my mind and having to be put on suicide watch. I had to be drugged up so I was just a zombie, just so I didn’t try to hurt myself or others.

It was a miserable time, and I was still feeling the side effects of that period of my life. It changed who I was fundamentally. I may have always been a reserved man, but I was more willing to let people in. I wasn’t always this… freak.

I stopped my bike, letting Joslyn off as I rubbed my wrists. The scars there were faint. You couldn’t see them unless you looked at them in the light, but I saw them as clearly as the day I got them from the shackles that dug into the skin for weeks until I escaped. I didn’t realize how long I was sitting there looking until Joslyn touched my arm, recoiling when I flinched at the touch.

“I’m sorry.” She was trying not to set me off, acting like I was just some ticking time bomb. Not like I gave her any reasons to think otherwise. Mindlessly, I swung my leg over my bike, walking right past her to walk into our cabin. She held up a hand, careful not to touch me right before I stepped inside, a tepid smile on her lips. “Stay here.”

She reached behind me, pulling the nine-millimeter I always kept on hand out of my waistband. She didn’t know how to use that thing, walking inside the house with it awkwardly pointed in front of her as the storm door closed behind her. My lips felt weird as the corner unfamiliarly twisted up at the corner, watching her do my usual routine I wasn’t in the mindset to do right now. Instead, I stood between the barrier of a glass door, alone with thoughts that were consuming me.

How did Madison even find me? Moved to bum fuck Utah to leave North Carolina and everyone associated with it. The only thing I took was me, my Caddy, and my haunted memories. The only pitstop I made was to Ma and Pop’s graves to tell them what I was doing and apologize for letting them down. They were rolling over in their graves, having a son they raised to have respect to overwhelm everyone with his disgrace.

I made separate plots for them here, in a secret and secluded place. They were private people who loved being alone, miles away from civilization. It’s something they instilled in me and was part of why I got my cabin. They never went out. They didn’t have friends. People would only stop buying to get whatever crops or cattle Pops had for them. My only socializing was at school, but they weren’t strict about my grades. They told me I could do whatever I wanted, and they’d support me if I wanted to go to a big college, trade school, or stop my education once I graduated high school. They were such good fucking parents.

I missed them and their no-bullshit guidance. My life fell apart whenever they died. I didn’t have anyone to talk to about what my next steps in life were, except for the biased people wanting me to join them. But if I picked a different path, where would I be now?

Who would be watching out for Joslyn?

She came back into the common area, passing by the storm door once more, the gun still too far in front of her. Her finger was nowhere near the trigger as she pointed it in every direction, the tip of her tongue slightly past her lips as she concentrated on the task at hand. Didn’t do a goddamn thing to deserve her. I just needed to convince myself that being around me wasn’t going to get her killed like it did everyone else.

I couldn’t lose her. Not when she was the only one who ever fought to stay by my side.

The door creaked open, her smile shining through the dim light as she held it open for me. “It’s clear.”

I took a step forward, reaching for her hand before pausing. Her knuckles were slightly red and swollen from me crushing them. My teeth gnashed together, just another thing to hate myself for. She noticed my face in that direction, and she immediately brought it up, rubbing the area. “It’s okay—“

“Don’t you fuckin’ dare,” I snapped at her, grabbing her hand that I didn’t just damn near break and dragged her to the room I lost control in. My eyes scanned the now colorful walls. The more I looked, the more my heart raced. I wanted this to be Joslyn’s safe place as well as mine. She wouldn’t be satisfied with no color in her home. She spread joy and laughter. These walls were painted just like that damn smile on her pretty fucking face.

I stopped, turning towards her. We stood in the middle of the living room, my hands wrapped around her forearms and her hands resting on mine. My mind felt far away, like I wasn’t here with her, but somewhere descended into the void without the capacity to feel or care about anything. My brain automatically went into a coping mechanism of numbing myself whenever it came to whatever made me Sarge, Sergeant in Arms of the Unforgiven Souls MC.

Darin Huxley died six years ago. The ghost of him just lingers unwantedly with the living.

“Darin.” The name I usually loved her calling me, settling like a pit in my stomach. Madison coming back reminded me that I wasn’t Darin anymore. A part of me wanted to be him again, just for her. He would be so much better to her. “What was she talking about?”

I looked away, not wanting to infect her light with the darkness that shrouded my eyes. This was it. This was the moment she would leave me, killing me all over again. “She was talking about my sin.”

I didn’t want to tell her anything beyond what Madison said. She already knew I was a murderer, but the people whose lives I took deserved it. Hell, I deserved it. But my purpose was to live in a never-ending purgatory where my sin haunted me every time I looked in the mirror. I could never escape from it. The scars on my body prevented it.

“I’m here,” she whispered, eyes sympathetic as her thumbs began to rub my forearms. My eyes darted to them. I don’t know why focusing on the pale yellow color of her fingernails was easier than looking at her beautiful face. “I’ll always be here.”

No, you won’t, not after this.Her words earlier were too good to be true. She was too focused on comforting me to think about what Madison was actually telling her. I sucked in a breath, preparing to ruin my life for the second time.

Chapter 25: Sarge

Six years ago

I limped over to Karev. He was struggling to breathe, his skin hot to touch. I slumped to my knees, using whatever strength I had left to heave his upper half up so he could take a sip of water. “Drink.”

He greedily took it, coughing as I lowered him to the ground and turned him on his side so he didn’t aspirate as he passed out again. I prayed for mercy for him, but they cauterized where they cut his foot off so he wouldn’t bleed out. The agony of having three of my teeth pulled was nothing in comparison to what they did to him.

“D-Darin.” I heard Michael wheeze. I looked at him, not having enough strength to make it over to him. His skin was pale, his eyes distanced away. My heart seized in my chest looking at him this way. His skin was dirty, blood still seeping out of the gashes on his thighs and wrists.

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