Page 49 of Make Believe

Now there’s Kadence.

I punch my pillow, flip it over to the cool side, then sigh as I lay my head back down. Here, in the dark of night there is no escaping the truth of my thoughts. I’m fully aware that this was supposed to be some fun at a party, then a debaucherous weekend, then a summer fling. I’ve treated the fact that it will have to end at some point relatively soon as just that: a fact.

But why?

I have no loyalty to a marriage that’s been dead for years. We’re not doing anything illegal.

I’m being held hostage by my own fears.

Logically, I am fully aware that there’s nothing wrong with being gay or bi or whatever it is I am. I know it doesn’t matter that I’m old enough to be Kadence’s father. He’s an adult, and so am I. We’re both of sound mind. It doesn’t matter that we’re kinky—I’m sure a lot of people are as well in their private lives. That never needs to become public knowledge.

But deep inside, am I worried that my board will look down on me if I announce I’m dating someone who’s not only much younger than me but also male? ‘Worse’ than that—he’s not simply male, either. He’s complex. He wears beautiful make-up and isn’t afraid to don a dress or a skirt.

There are at least a dozen men I know in my professional circle who would rip him to absolute shreds for those things.

The realization dawns on me that I’m not just afraid of any potential consequences for myself.

I want to protect Kadence.

Puffing out my cheeks, I exhale long and hard. Now that makes much more sense. I haven’t ever been a coward, not once in my whole life. Calculated before taking any risk, yes. But the fear churning in my gut hasn’t been for me all along.

I don’t want any of those phony socialite vultures coming for my boy and picking his choices and values apart like an autopsy. It’s painfully obvious to me how desperately he’s trying to find himself right now, not to mention that he’s still clearly moving past some previous trauma. He was just looking for a good time. He doesn’t deserve to have his life ruined.

So does that rule out a future for us? I mull over that kiss again in my mind, my hand rising almost subconsciously to touch my fingers to my lips.

Is it possible that Kadence sees a future for us in any shape or form?

I’m aware I’m reading a lot into a single damn kiss, but I can’t help but feel like it’s changed everything. That the last ‘I love you’ changedeverything.

There are too many factors I’m uncertain about. Would Kadence be interested in dating or going public? Or is he enjoying this because it’s all clandestine? Secrets are alluring. Would the mundane, everyday existence as a couple interest him in the slightest?

Although…isn’t that exactly what we’ve been doing these past couple of weeks? Our time together hasn’t felt like a vacation. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been incredibly exciting. But I’ve also been working. He’s been pursuing his own interests. I’d be happier if he had a career he was passionate about, but the idea that I could give him the room to discover what that is in time is appealing to me.

Is what we have just a glimpse of how life could actually be?

Groaning, I rub the heels of my hands against my eyes. Nothing is getting resolved until I speak with Kadence and gauge how he’s feeling. He could very well wake up and regret the kiss entirely. He could regret the wholenight.

Somehow, I doubt it. I know what I saw. But it feels too dangerous to get my hopes up.

No. The only thing I can do is what I’ve been doing this entire time. I need to lay down my wishes without any bullshit. Give him all the facts. Then he can make up his mind as to where he stands and what he wants. If he still wants to take his money and part ways…I think that might really give me an understanding of what people say when their heart is breaking.

Hell, who am I trying to bullshit now? I’d be fucking devastated.

But if he wanted to stay…to try being a real couple…well, we wouldn’t have to do everything all at once. It’s not like I’d have to hold a press conference about coming out of the closet orintroducing him to the world. Perhaps I could just quietly and calmly inform Charleen that we both know that this marriage is over, and I’ll be starting divorce proceedings. It won’t screw either of us, after all. We’ll both still be filthy rich.

The main difference is we’ll also both be free.

I respect the woman. She is my partner and the mother of my child. I want her to be fulfilled and content just as much as I want those things for myself.

But above all else, I want Kadence.

Who knows if he really is just my exciting new toy and the shine will dull in time. All I know is right now, I need him. I refuse to let him go.

Tomorrow, I’ll find out how he feels about that. Yes, I will still wait for him to start the dialogue. But you better believe that I will be leaving the door open for him and giving him all the encouragement. He can think about how he feels, but my emotions are going to be laid out with nothing to hide.

Because I’m not afraid of him.

Or I should say I’m not afraid of beingvulnerablewith him, which is an entirely new experience for me in my own home.

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