Page 18 of From the Ashes

I don’t deserve that.

But this guilt is eating away at me now I’ve seen him again. It was much easier to ignore when he was on the other side of the country. But it’s obvious he’s still incredibly hurt by what I did. I don’t blame him, but I can’t sit back and do nothing either. I have to make it right. That’s the part of my job Idolove. Seeing justice served. I have to do right by Zahir, even if he’s reluctant to let me.

So, yeah. Maybe we need one more meeting. It’s a free beach and he can turn around and leave the second he sees me if hewants to. I hope he’ll stay for a minute, though. Just long enough for me to say my piece. I’ll rehearse it this time, like a closing argument in court. I’ll be quick and concise, and then…

And then perhaps that really will be it. Perhaps we’ll spend the next however many years awkwardly avoiding each other in the grocery store. Perhaps we’ll actually never cross paths again. But at least I will have done everything in my power to convince Zahir that none of it was his fault. It was all on me. I didn’t present my case properly outside of the office. I just need one more chance to get the words out, and then I’ll shut up about it.

I’m like an addict jonesing for a final hit before committing to rehab. If I can see Zahir one last time, then perhaps I can find a way to let him go.

For good.

CHAPTER 8

Zahir

“This is so nice!”Yara says happily as we pile out of her Barbie-pink Honda Civic. I told her I could probably just walk to the beach like usual, but she argued the whole point of a group excursion was to carpool.

Lili and Teddy exit the back seats, and Lili shields her eyes to look out toward the ocean. “It’s windy, but hopefully that means most people will be in the water making the most of the waves rather than on the beach.”

“I brought sunscreen,” Teddy says earnestly, hefting an impressively big bag onto his shoulder. “And plenty of snacks and water.”

Lili snorts. “Thanks, Probie. I brought my bikini, a six-pack, and not much else.”

I chuckle as Yara locks up the car and we start our decent to Redwood Bay’s namesake beach. I’ll admit, itisnice to have an excuse to get everyone together and make a day of it. That’s probably why Captain Valentine approved the meet-up in the first place, even if he couldn’t make it himself.

Usually, it’s not encouraged for first responders to socialize with people we’ve tended to. However, the invitation from the Adamses came via Anton, as his daughter, Rebecca, and Nevaehare good friends at school. Apparently, Mrs. Adams is keen for Nevaeh not to become afraid of getting back into the water after her ordeal, which I wholeheartedly agree with. She invited Yara and I along for a beach picnic so we can help assure her it’s perfectly safe, as well as the rest of Rebecca’s family. That then turned into a general invite for the entire One-Thirteen, most of whom jumped at the opportunity.

It’s sweet that even though we work together, we spend a lot of our free time in each other’s company, too. They really are like a second family to me. But outside of events like birthdays, it’s unusual to have such an enthusiastic turnout, especially at such short notice.

For Nevaeh’s sake, I’m grateful. What better way to prove to her that she has nothing to worry about when it comes to swimming again? So long as she stays closer to the shore and away from the riptides in the future, of course. I don’t doubt she’ll have a lifelong respect for the water now, though.

“Hey, guys!”

I turn and pause halfway down the path that leads to the sand, smiling at the now familiar sight of Lochlan and his boyfriend, Dario. They wave as they start to follow us, their two dogs eagerly bounding in front of them to greet us before charging on ahead. Queenie is a stocky, slobbery British bulldog who rocks down each step like a little tank. Whereas Rocky is a gangly Dalmatian pup who careens up and down several times at lighting speed, barely managing to stay upright as he tries his best to take everyone’s legs out from under them.

“Oh, be careful!” Dario cries at us with a wince while Lochlan laughs apologetically.

“Sorry,” he tells us. “My son still doesn’t have any manners, but we’re working on it.”

“It’s fine,” I assure them as we all begin our climb down once more. “They’re just having fun.”

My heart warms seeing Lochlan holding hands with his new boyfriend. He took a slightly scenic route recently into discovering his true sexuality. But now he’s found his man, he’s never seemed happier. I wish them nothing but the best.

And if I feel a minuscule pang of regret in my chest in that moment, that’s nobody’s business but mine. I can acknowledge to myself if no one else that this whole Colton Ross incident has been tough. Hearing Yara’s commentary on it has been even tougher. She’s brought to life a couple of home truths that I’ve done my best to ignore for years.

Coming face to face with Colt made them almost impossible to hide from any longer.

I’ve never loved so freely or so fiercely like I did with him. I’ve tried convincing myself that was mostly down to teenage hormones and the throes of the many firsts we shared together. But after all this time, I think I finally have to admit that a part of me has consciously held back ever since, terrified of getting burned the way I did with him.

There were always good excuses to break up with the guys I dated in my twenties and then the ones I refused to even bother getting close to in my thirties. Or at least, that’s what I told myself. But deep down, I knew it was because I didn’t trust they weren’t lying about how they really felt. Because I believed Colt when he told me I was the most important person in the world to him. I believed him when he said we’d be together forever.

I know we were just kids. But his sudden departure left an indelible mark on my soul, a fissure in my heart that has never fully healed…and it’s possible it never will.

This pivotal moment in my life felt like a warning that to be loved was to be vulnerable. He’d been the only one I’d trusted during that time in my life. Everyone else at that school—students, parents, teachers—they all treated me like an outsider for my religion, my class, my skin tone, and even if they didn’tconsciously know it, my sexuality. Colt was the only person I let see my true self.

And it wasn’t good enough for him to come out for or to stick around town or to even keep in touch with.

So, yeah. When I look at Lochlan and Dario as they walk hand in hand, I feel proud for them and wish them nothing but the best for their future ahead. But I also see a glimpse of the kind of life I’m not sure I’ll ever allow myself to have.

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