Page 21 of From the Ashes

My heart aches. However, I grit my teeth for a second before forging ahead. “No. I want to make sure you know that you didn’t do a fucking thing wrong. You were perfect. I loved…you were my whole world.”

I wince. We never actually said we loved each other out loud. It seemed too big, too heavy, too important to put into words and make official. In fact, I always just assumed he loved me back, but maybe that was wishful thinking. If he did, it’s clearly long over now. He seems to be ignoring my slip-up, though, so I plow on.

“It’s not an excuse for how I treated you, I know that. But my father had my whole life mapped out in stone. There was no deviating from that path. I considered asking you to move to Massachusetts with me a million times, but you were so happy here with your family and…”

He sighs and shakes his head, looking out over the water. “And your parents wanted you married to a socialite to have two children with and living in a house with a white picket fence before you turned thirty-five.”

The truth of his statement hurts. It sounds so pathetic when spoken out loud like that, but the expectations from my parents loomed over me like a monolith back when I was a teenager.

“If it’s any consolation, all I got was the law degree,” I tell him ruefully. I start walking slowly again in the direction we were going before. “No serious girlfriends or proposals or whatever.”

“No kids?” He’s trying to keep it light, but I can tell behind the joke he’s got a hint of concern.

I scoff. “Yeah, I’ve left a trail of illegitimate babies along the East Coast with all those women I didn’t sleep with.”

Even though I’m laughing, he’s still frowning at me. “But you have been dating women, right?”

I’m not sure what he’s getting at. Does he want to make me squirm and suffer? That’s fair but…it’s also not really the Zahir I remember.

“Here and there,” I say warily. “Enough to keep up appearances. But never seriously. I didn’t want to hurt any of those girls. They were all really nice. Funny, smart, ambitious—all wife material in theory. I didn’t have the heart to lead them or my parents on, only to disappoint everyone in the end. Although I guess I’ll have to let Mom and Dad down eventually. I just…I don’t know. I’m a coward who runs away from things for as long as I can, apparently.”

If anything, the frown on his face has gotten deeper. “Why would you disappoint them? You’ve done everything they dreamed for you.”

The laugh that escapes my throat is on the verge of hysterical. “The law half of it, yeah. But now after Dad’s heart attack they want me to take over the family practice much sooner than anticipated so they’re going to be obsessing over the wife and babies half of the legacy relentlessly now and I just don’t think I can do it.”

We’ve stopped walking again. “Commit to a marriage?” Zahir asks. His words are so sad, like he’s losing something new all over. I’m not sure I understand what’s happening.

“Marry a woman,” I explain, even though I thought that was pretty obvious. “Live even more of a lie than I have been my whole life. I couldn’t deceive anyone to that extreme. It would make a mockery out of her life even more than mine. I’m a lot of things, Del, but I’m not that cruel. I promise.”

He blinks, his jaw slack as his chest rises and falls. “But…you’re bisexual?”

For a second, his words simply don’t register. Stupidly, I blurt out a little laugh before I can catch myself. But his horrified look immediately sobers me up again. My mind races over all the time we spent together, attempting to work out why he would think that.

Because that’s essentially what I told him, wasn’t it? What my parents drilled into me. I treated it like an inevitability when I was young because the future seemed so far away, and Zahir was so very much in the present it felt like it was too distant to matter. But I always thought I’d feel different when I ‘grew up,’ and accepted I needed to fit the shape of the American dream.

He took that to mean I was bisexual. That’s what he’s thought, all these years.

Holy fuck…

Does he think he was just a phase? A dalliance? An experiment to satisfy some kind of bi-curiosity?

How…how can I keep discovering that I hurt him even more than I possibly imagined?

“Zahir,” I say, my voice strangled.

I want to reach out and take his hand so badly, but I force myself to hold back. It would be selfish. He needs space right now. As much as I’m desperate to comfort him, I’d also be comforting myself. After causing this terrible mess, my needs must stay firmly on the back burner.

“I’m gay as absolute fuck,” I continue. “I’ve never even properly kissed a woman. It’s why I broke up with them all so quickly or managed better long distance. I’ve been in the closet this entire time. You’re the only real relationship I’ve ever had.That’swhy I’m never going to be able to marry a woman. I’m not sure I can ever come out, either, without it destroying my parents. It’s not just our family’s legacy and reputation at stake.They’ve made noises about me going into politics, of thrusting me into the public eye. In their eyes, being gay just doesn’t fit with that. But committing to spend my life with a woman truly would be a complete and utter sham.”

For several moments, we just stare at each other. I can practically see the cogs whirring in his brain. “I thought you left me for…” he utters.

“I just did as I was told,” I tell him. “There’s never been anyone else, Zahir. Not in any way that mattered. I…”

Whatever I was going to say, I catch myself before I do. This isn’t why I wanted to finally have this conversation. The damage I’ve done to the love we once shared is beyond repair. I’m not here for forgiveness or to beg for a second chance or even to give Zahir my blessing to move on with his life. I don’t have the right to doanyof that. I simply wanted to set the record straight. Or gay, as it turns out. I’ve done that now.

Without ceremony, I turn on my heels and begin walking back to the group. I’ll give Elizabeth and the kids a hug each, but then I’m leaving without looking back. Zahir Delacroix is still the most important person in the whole world to me, and all I’ve done is cause him pain again and again andagain.

“Colt, wait,” he calls from behind me.

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