Page 22 of From the Ashes

Shaking my head, I don’t pause. “I just needed you to know that you didn’t do anything wrong and apologize once more for being the biggest asshole this town has ever seen. I won’t bother you anymore, I promise. You won’t see me again. It was selfish, but I just had to explain myself. And now I’ve made it worse. Who knows? Maybe I’ll grow a backbone and tell my parents I’m a dirty queer. Apparently, that’s acceptable in some parts in this day and age. Perhaps they won’t disown me or drop dead of shock.”

I’m rambling and I know it. But it’s better than turning around and facing Zahir when I’ve just turned his world upsidedown. Did he really think I’d left him without a second thought? That I’d settled down with a girl I met in college? Pretending like he never existed?

Likewenever existed?

It seems so.

Instead, he’s lingered like a ghost in the back of my mind without fail for over fifteen years.

Somehow, this misunderstanding makes my betrayal so much worse.

I want to stop and ask him ifhe’shappy. I haven’t noticed a wedding ring on his finger, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t with someone special.

The look on his face just now tells me that’s not the case. In my gut, I know that in some way, he clung to the memory of us as well.

It kills me that we can never be together, that I can never make him happy. But I’m not so much of a douchebag that I don’t admit that he absolutely deserves to be happy. I want that for him. I want the very best of everything for him.

Even though that can’t be anything to do with me.

I arrive back at the group before I know it, already opening my mouth to give my excuses. But before I can make an exit, one of the women who isn’t Zahir’s partner props herself up on her elbows where she was sunbathing, grinning up at me.

“Speak of the devil, and he shall appear!” she cries with a mischievous grin. “Or…devils, I should say.”

Zahir stumbles to a halt beside me. “Huh?” I say dumbly.

“Del,” Elizabeth calls out as we step into the shade so we can see everyone clearly. “Your team was just informing me that you’re an accomplished surfer, just like Colt.”

We glance at each other. For a second, my heart pangs knowing that he’s kept up our passion after all this time. It feelslike something that will tether us together even when I intend to keep my promise to never see him again.

“Uh, yeah,” Zahir says with a hint of confusion. “It’s great exercise but also kind of like mediation.”

I beam at him. “That’s exactly it,” I say softly.

A little hand grabs mine, and I look down to see Nevaeh swinging between me and Zahir. “Can you teachme,then?” she asks earnestly, practically vibrating with excitement. “Mom’s got me extra swimming lessons. But I bet if I could surf, I’d never be afraid of the ocean again!”

“Uhhh.” I look back up at Zahir before down at Nevaeh again. “You want one of us to teach you?”

“Why not both?” she squeaks innocently. “That way, you can be friends again, like me and Becca. Oh! Can you teach her, too!”

“And me!” Dashel adds, jumping up and down, making the dogs bark.

The moment stretches out. Zahir appears dumbstruck, so I dig deep and pretend like I’m in court. You can’t freeze in court. “Oh, I’d love to, sweetie,” I tell Nevaeh. “But I’m not qualified?—”

A sandy foot kicks my ankle. I whip my head around to see the bikini-clad firefighter smiling fiercely at me. “You know how they charge a fortune for classes on this beach, Mr. Lawyer Man. Help a single mom out, huh?”

“If I supervise, you don’t need special qualifications, right?” Elizabeth chimes in hopefully.

“And Del’s literally a paramedic,” his chirpy partner adds. “What could go wrong?”

This is my fault. I allowed a nice woman with too much on her plate to convince me that this ruse would be worth it to get the chance to talk with Zahir. But it’s all blown up in my face. I’ve made everything worse, and now—now—I can’t let a little girl down or embarrass Zahir in front of his colleagues, especially not when it’s easy to tell they’re also his good friends.

I made this mess. So I’m just going to have to suffer the consequences, no matter how painful they might be for me.

But not for Zahir.

“Sure,” I say, plucking my best smile out of my ass and acting like everything’s just hunky-dory. “I can teach you to surf, and all mycoolesttricks, too. But maybe one of the other paramedics can help me?—?”

“I’ll do it,” Zahir blurts out, cutting me off. I turn to look at him and our eyes meet. He nods at me before glancing down at Nevaeh. “Colt and I will train you guys to be the best surfers on the entire beach.”

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