Page 24 of From the Ashes

I don’t want an out. I want to see him again.

And that scares the absolute shit out of me.

With a jolt, I realize that Yara has stopped the car outside of my place and killed the engine. I turn and look guiltily at her, fully aware that I’ve been zoned out for the last few minutes. If she spoke to me, I didn’t hear it at all. But she gives me a sympathetic smile and squeezes my knee.

“You’re right,” she says gently. “I can see it’s complicated. I guess you have to reevaluate some things, huh?” I nod and rest my hand on top of hers, grateful for her support and understanding. “Just promise me one thing, Del, okay?”

I raise my eyebrows. “What?”

“That you’ll look after yourself, first and foremost,” she says, her tone completely serious. “You’ve said this guy can be manipulative.”

“That’s what I thought,” I say, my words trailing off. I was working with so much misinformation. Things I thought were set in stone are crumbling away like sandcastles as the tide comes in. I’m not sure what to believe anymore.

More than that, I’m scared to hope. What I’ve seen of Colt in the past couple of weeks makes him seem like a good man, who is genuinely ashamed of his past behavior and is trying to do the right thing now in so many ways. I see a brave, caring person who risked his life to save a little girl’s. Someone with a mission to finally tell me the truth, even at the expense of his own happiness and dignity.

There’s just too much I don’t know. Which is why spending more time together in a safe, public environment doesn’t seem too crazy to me. Surely with Elizabeth and the kids around, Colt won’t try anything underhand with me. Anton also said he, Meagan or Brent would be around to watch Rebecca as well, so I’ll be even more insulated from any bullshit Colt might try and pull.

I need time to see which version of Colt is the real one and which is the mask. I need to work out if I can trust him and…

And what? Am I seriously considering letting him back into my life? Being friends?Dating?No, that feels like several steps too far, even for my imagination. But the idea that he didn’t intentionally screw me over and use me back when we were teenagers is alluring. It would be nice to reflect back on those times and not feel like I’d been the world’s biggest fool. If I could trust that what we shared was real and that he’s now sincerely remorseful, I think that could give me some peace.

What do I really have to lose? So long as I keep my guard up and protect my heart like Yara’s asking me to, what’s the worst that could happen? I’ll either get my low opinion of Colton Ross confirmed, in which case I’ll be the same as I ever was. Or I’ll discover that he’s perhaps also been a victim in this situation.

It’s difficult not to be optimistic for the latter. Instead of dwelling on it too long, I smile at my partner and squeeze her hand. “I promise not to let myself get duped. I’ll keep my wits about me when it comes to Colt.”

She exhales and nods, then peeks slyly at me. “I mean…I don’t blame you for being blindsided by him. That man ishawt.”

I drop back my head and laugh. Yara isn’t usually one to talk about crushes or be sexual in any way. I guess that’s Colt’s power, isn’t it? He’s so ridiculously good-looking that he gets away with so much shit other people wouldn’t, and he makes those around him lose their common sense, even if just for a minute.

To think someone like that would hold me up as the standard to which he’s been judging everyone in his life ever since is slightly preposterous, but…that’s what he said. I don’t think anything’s changed much since school, though. Everyone wants him, and it’s flattering to think it’s me he’s chosen over anyone else. It turned my head before.

I can’t allow that to happen this time. It will hurt too much if he leaves again. In fact, I think it’ll break me.

But I have to find out for myself, once and for all. Who is Colton Ross, really? What kind of man has the boy grown into? How does he act when his father isn’t looming over him, controlling his every move and judging his every mistake and indiscretion?

The safest thing would probably to walk away from him and never look back. But I run toward danger for a living. It’s my calling in life. And I’m tired of holding myself back from that life just because a boy broke my heart and made me feel worthless and replaceable so many years ago.

By spending some more time together, I’m taking charge of my destiny. I can gather more information and make an informed decision on how I feel about the past and how that’s going to affect the direction I take in the future. It’s like I’ve been stumbling around in the dark for too long, telling myself truths that might very well turn out to be lies. How can I live an authentic life if it’s built on broken foundations?

So, yes. I’m going into this arrangement with open eyes but also an open mind. Maybe at the end of it all, I’ll still resent Colt and not have it in me to forgive him.

But he said he didn’t want or expect forgiveness.

And I might come out of it seeing why I loved that boy in the first place. It’s possible I’ll be able to reassure myself that my judgement back in school wasn’t completely misplaced.

If I don’t give him a second chance, I think I’ll regret it forever. So long as I don’t let him have any power over me, I should be able to keep myself safe, right?

Realizing I’ve drifted into my thoughts again, I shake myself and lean over to hug Yara. “Thank you for your support.”

She scoffs. “Hey, any time. That’s what I’m here for, partner. Just remember your promise, and we’ll be good.”

“I will,” I assure her.

Finally, I get out of the car and wave her off before heading inside my place. It feels unusually quiet for some reason. Yet again, the urge to paint is overwhelming, but I do the next best thing instead. I find a sketch pad, pencil and eraser, then head out to the back porch to curl up in the armchair as twilight falls around me. My mind wanders as I idly capture snapshots of plants and wildlife, filling the page with little drawings that don’t really mean anything, but help soothe my soul, nonetheless.

The world is beautiful, but if I’m being honest, I know I’ve been hiding myself away from it, too afraid of getting hurt again like I was before. Is that how I want to spend the rest of my days? I doubt it. If I don’t change something now, when will I?

It’s almost like I put everything on pause when Colt left. Now he’s back, I’ve finally pressed the play button once more. I wish I could fast-forward and see how it all turns out, but that’s not how it works. I just have to be patient and trust that I’m doing the right thing. Or at least that I have enough wisdom not to let myself get burned like before.

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