Page 31 of From the Ashes

“Colt?” he says sharply, and I gulp, my mouth suddenly dry.

“I’m sorry,” I rasp. “I shouldn’t have…I’ve made everything worse. Zahir, I…”

Words fail me. All I do is fuck him over. I’m a selfish, morally bankrupt asshole who doesn’t deserve to get what he wants, especially when it’s only going to hurt the most important person I’ve ever known. I should never have careened back into his life. Nothing good was ever going to come from it.

“Please forgive me,” I manage to say through my thickening esophagus, scrambling off the bed to get my poisonous presence away from him.

I don’t actually expect him to forgive me as I stumble through the house, snatching up my damp clothes from the bathroom so I can at least get my shorts back on before I run out the front door. He had no reason to forgive me for what I did fifteen years ago. But this?

This is it. There’s no way he won’t hate me now and never want to speak to me again. That’s what I get, though, for daring to think I could fly this close to the sun. Just like Icarus, my hubris is my undoing, and I have no one to blame but myself.

No matter how much he’s going to hate me, I’m certain I’m going to hate myself even more for a long, long time to come.

Possibly forever.

CHAPTER 14

Zahir

‘Please forgive me.’

Those words have been going around my head nonstop since yesterday, haunting me.

If Colt regretted having sex that fast, it’s me who should be begging for forgiveness. I never should have been so stupid as to kiss him. I definitely shouldn’t have invited him into my home, or my life for that matter. Yara was right.

And she knows it. At least she’s not calling me out on it.

Yet.

The past is the past and I was a naïve fool to think anything could possibly be different this time around simply because we’re adults now. I have worked so hard to find peace in my life. Yes, there might be some solitude as well, but I’ll take that over the earth-shattering disappointment that’s been dragging me down from the moment Colt sprinted out of my home, leaving me covered in both of our cold, drying cum.

The shame was almost unbearable as I eventually dragged myself into the shower to get rid of the evidence. It still is, but at least it’s easier to stand it with clothes on.

The crushing blow no doubt felt worse because for just a few minutes, I was flying high in utter bliss, the kind I hadn’t feltbefore, not even as a teenager when we first got together. Back then I didn’t know what pain was yet to come. The euphoria of reclaiming our connection was so much sweeter as it was much harder to earn.

Except it was gone in a flash, and the pain is now as excruciating as I feared it would be. The added layer of humiliation isn’t helping, either. I should have known better. I let my hope override the truth.

The thing is, though, that in that moment, I absolutely felt that Colt wanted the intimacy as much as I did, if not more. He was desperate, considerate, loving, caring…all the things I remember his younger self being. He was absolutely in it with me until the end.

Then it was as if someone yanked the wool from his eyes and he realized where he was and what he was doing, and everything dissolved in an instant.

Butwhy?He asked me to forgive him, but he didn’t do anything wrong. Not this time. I was the one who made the first move. I’m guilt stricken worrying that he was naked and vulnerable and I somehow took advantage of him. Did he truly consent to what happened? I pulled back from that initial kiss to take my shirt off. I would hope that was enough opportunity for him to have told me to stop if that was what he wanted.

I keep replaying every second, trying to figure out if there was a point at which I missed a sign or a look he could have given that meant he was unsure. If there was something, I can’t for the life of me recall it. That doesn’t mean it didn’t happen, so anxiety still twists in my guts. However, all I can picture is the way he pushed me around the way I used to love, and how he asked to make me come and to come all over me. Heasked.

If I try and stay calm and rational about the whole encounter, I genuinely don’t think I crossed a line with him. But that doesn’t mean something didn’t go wrong anyway, because it clearly did.

Colt wanted forgiveness. That means he knew sleeping together was a bad idea as soon as the orgasmic high dissipated. Which means that even if he’s into me the way I’m into him…it’s not enough.

Nothing’s changed, has it? I knew it logically before, but I guess now I’ve had a practical demonstration. I’m certain the attraction between us is mutual. By leaving my place the second that common sense came crashing back down, though, he’s making it clear that he still has no intention of coming out.

Even if he is gay and not bi like I thought for all these years. So if I can’t be enough for him to live authentically…will anyone?

I’m angry at him for treating me like this, but if I hadn’t made the first move, perhaps he could have resisted temptation. We’re both to blame. That just leaves me agonizingly sad for him that he’s refusing to stand up to his parents and be the person he wants to be, the person heshouldbe. Is his whole life destined to be a pale imitation of happiness and achievements? I see all too frequently how a person can lose everything in an instant, oftentimes without any warning.

When Colton Ross’s time on the planet is done, is he going to look back and see nothing but regret?

I know I should be more concerned with my own tattered heart and conflicting feelings. However, my world is rich with family, friends, and a career that I know is my true calling. Sure, I could possibly open myself up more, but maybe now I will. The hurt I’ve been afraid of all these years has reared its ugly head and I might be drained and devastated today, but I am still standing. I’ll recover. Perhaps this will finally allow me to try entering into a relationship with someone new?

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