Page 36 of From the Ashes

His expression is hard to read as he realizes I’ve picked up. “Colt,” he says, his voice thick with emotion. “I…”

We just stare at each other and I can feel my resolve crumbling as my heart breaks all over again.

“I’m so sorry,” I tell him for the hundredth time. You’d think those words would be meaningless to him by now, but he raises his eyebrows hopefully, like he doesn’t completely hate my guts.

“I’m sorry, too,” he says. Now that blindsides me.

“Huh?” I blurt out before looking around and moving to an even more secluded, shadier area. As it’s a Monday, the salon is closed, so I park myself in front of that. “Why the hell would you be sorry?” I’m genuinely so confused.

He squeezes his eyes shut for a second before looking back at me. “I know you don’t want a relationship. That you can’t…live that life.” He means come out. I appreciate his discretion as much as I hate it. “I made the first move and should never haveput you in that position. I just hope you didn’t feel…” He gulps and looks so distressed I can’t stand it. “I hope you didn’t feel forced into anything.”

For a moment, I don’t understand what he’s saying. Then realization dawns on me as well as horror. “What the fuck?” I cry, then hastily look around to check no one heard me before continuing at a more reasonable volume. “You didn’t force me to do a damn thing. You didn’t take advantage of me or assault me or anything like that, so get that line of thinking out of your head right now.”

He looks a little stunned, but I’m sure it’s nothing compared to the fury I’m feeling toward myself, so I push ahead before he can continue beating himself up for no good reason.Holy crap.How I keep finding new and exciting ways to fuck him over, I don’t know.

“What we did was incredible, okay?” I tell him fiercely. “I loved every second of it, but that’s exactly why I had to leave. I knew it was shitty to run, but it would have been even shittier to stay and mess with your expectations any further. You deserve a million times better than me, Zahir. I treated you so horrendously I don’t even have the words. And I can’t offer you anything different now. I’m…” The truth of my words hit me as they fall out of my mouth, twisting the knife even more through my heart. “I’m stuck in this hollow life and as much as I’d give anything to be with you, I will never, ever drag you back into the closet again. You deserve to be free.”

The moment stretches out as he stares at me. “You’d give anything to be with me?” he utters in disbelief. I don’t blame him, because it’s obviously bullshit.

I roll my eyes. “Other than disappoint my bigoted parents and blow up my career, yeah,” I say sardonically. But he’s already shaking his head in exasperation.

“Colt, stop. We’re adults now, not teenagers. If we really wanted to see each other, we wouldn’t have to throw a parade. I’d just ask that I could maybe tell my friends. But your parents could remain oblivious and I don’t see how it would stop you from being an amazing lawyer.”

“How do you know I’m an amazing lawyer?” I quip back so I don’t have to deal with any of the real feelings bombarding me right now.

He tuts. “Because I knowyou,asshole,” he growls. “Of course you’re amazing at it.”

I swallow, not sure what to say. Not sure what I’m allowed to want or have. “You deserve so much more than to be anybody’s secret,” I rasp.

He looks away for a second before addressing the screen again. “So you’re telling me that’s why you abandoned me yesterday? Because you think you know what’s best for me?”

“Uh…I was trying to protect you,” I defend myself weakly.

He narrows his eyes. “Well, just so you know, that’s bullshit and I’m still mad at you for making me feel worthless.”

“Again,” I mutter.

But he wags a finger at me. “Colt, life is long.”

“I thought it was short,” I counter with a frown.

He huffs. “It can be both. The point is, I’m tired of dancing around this thing between us when it’s clear we both still feel the same. You keep saying I deserve someone better, but I don’twantanyone else, not until we’ve given us a real shot. If you keep cutting things off prematurely because you’re afraid of whatmighthappen, we’re never going to find out whatactuallyhappens.”

Words fail me. He doesn’t want anyone else? He’s still willing to give me another chance, even though I can’t be everything he needs?

“Unless you don’t want that,” he says, his enthusiasm deflating slightly.

“Zahir, fuck,” I hiss. Shaking my head. “I want that more than anything. I wantyou.I told you there’s never been anyone else, not in any way that mattered. I don’t know if I can be enough for you but…holy shit, if you’re seriously willing to let me try, I’ll give you everything I possibly can.”

He presses his lips together, his eyes shining. My heart is thumping in my ribcage.

“Have dinner with me,” he blurts out. “I want to just sit andtalk.I want to get to know you again and find out some of what I missed when we were apart. Just spend some time together. Does that…how does that sound?”

I exhale, feeling a little dizzy. “Would you be my first houseguest?” I ask, nerves flaring like I’m asking him to prom. Of course we didn’t get to do that either, but if he’s really asking to give our relationship some kind of chance…

I could cry with relief and happiness.

“I’ll cook for you—for us,” I continue. “No interruptions. Just peace and the whole night to get reacquainted.”

---